Hospital, Day Service, Relapse.

So, as most of you probably know through my Facebook or Twitter, this past couple of months have been an insane whirlwind. I've been in the nut hut for a month, the general ward for a few days, and then completely left, unsupported.

Before going in to hospital, i was on an Intensive Outpatient Programme which was having some effect :

• I was managing to eat more regularly
• I was leaving the house more
• I went out for a birthday meal
• My laxatives had gone down by quite a bit.

The only problem was, all of these changes were not just happening and then having no other effect, they were having a counter-effect on other areas of my life:

• Despite having more 'regular' eating, i wasn't eating what i was meant to be so it was becoming more restrictive. Bingeing was becoming more and more rare but the restricting was kind of cancelling out any of the other 'progress'
• I was leaving the house more but the main focus in my head was to ensure i was getting more exercise and blahblah.
• I went out for the birthday meal, yes. The clinic was obsessed with me managing it and i did feel proud of myself. However, they don't know any of the compensatory behaviours that happened in the days before and those following. They weren't even interested in asking whether i kept the meal down or not which, call me daft if you like, i think is a pretty important thing to find out when treating a Bulimia patient.
• Although my laxatives had reduced, i was overcompensating for this with the restricting so again, i feel like this would cancel out a lot of that progress.
• Whilst at IOP, i was struggling with my meal plan and really wasnt being very successful in that part of the programme, despite finding the groups very helpful.

- - - - -

When i was in the hospital, i realised just how horrid things actually have been and how i have been kidding myself. Things weren't THAT great at all. I think i was kind of buzzin' off of not having the bingeing such a regular part of my life and that was helping me hide everything else. It wasn't even like it was a conscious decision to hide anything or be secretive because i feel like that part of my eating disorder is behind me - a far away memory or summat. Its just that it happened. Its like i was moving up in some ways, on the outside; the ways that everyone wanted to see. And then, behind the closed doors of the bathroom or of my flat, i was not doing great at all. However, nobody could see that part for how bad it was so i was being bombarded with support and praise (which was lovely, for a change). That just helped to paint over another eating disordered crack on the outside and just...i can't explain it. It turned in to a bit of a double life.

As part of the realisation, i decided the support i have been getting has not been working like it should. It's an amazing programme, dont get me wrong, and i have seen successes come from it and yaddayadda. However, it just was not working for me. It was 3 days a week- 9:30am to 4pm. It wasnt the night times. The 7 night times of being with myself. It wasn't the 4 days of being alone with my disorder; my comfort. It wasn't in my head the whole time or there for constant support, which, of course, led me back to the old faithful ed who is 'always there'. Lol. Im kidding, it wasn't so much that. Its just that it feels easier to fall in to the arms of my eating disorder than to try and work through the other stuff on my own. That's the reality of it.

I asked for Inpatient help.

We (me, Chantelle and MG) went into a big meeting on the ward round at the hospital (when i say big, we counted 17+ people in there!) and decided to ask for IP. The answer i got? 

'IP places are mainly reserved for people of a lower BMI.'

'Normally, people are DISCHARGED from hospital at your point'

NORMALLY, PEOPLE ARE DISCHARGED AT MY STAGE?! So, taking boxes upon boxes of laxatives a day is encouraged? Being unable to eat without knowing where and when i can take my next dose is normal? Passing out is normal? Feeling so utterly hopeless and alone with my ED is okay?

Right. So that's cool

Message i got from that meeting?

Lose weight and we will help you.

That's obviously not what they said and wont be what they meant but the ED side was rubbing the metaphorical hands with glee. Yay! Lets lose weight. Everything will be better a few pounds lighter.

Bull.

Absolute bullshit

So, despite saying i feel utterly alone with my eating disorder, i have been left on a '2-3 week break from the day service' which has so far lasted about 6 weeks or something. Thats only the start.

I have had one appointment at the ED service which didn't go well. They decided to change my keyworker to a man. Ive been fucking assaulted for fuck sake. I have NEVER worked with men in a therapy situation and don't wish to start now. I don't want to hear all this crap about doing it so that i am not avoiding. Its not about avoidance. When, apart from in therapy, is that going to come in useful? Its not like i avoid being in a room with a male at any other time in my life. Its nothing like that. Im not havin' it. Plus, they never even told me that this would be a possibility.

I had another appointment booked at the ED service but, due to problems with passing out, crapping myself in public (yes, glamourous) and general anxiety around being out and about, i cancelled. That was my fault for sure.

My CPN has been SO supportive. When i was first discharged from the general and psych ward, i was referred to the Crisis Team and my CPN encouraged me to ask to see their psychiatrist so that i could ask for IP through him. I agreed and kind of felt a bit hopeful. That was a right waste of time. Wanna know the big conclusion he came to?

'It seems to me that your main problem is your eating disorder'

Well, slap my arse and call me Sally! I never even realised! Pfft. He may as well have just said 'I can see that you have a nose' for all the good it did. He then said he would report his findings back to the ED team (lol-bet they loved that).

Anyway, now SuperCPN has arranged an appointment for us both to go to with the ED service to ask again and, if they refuse, to find out a reason. Honestly, i can't even explain how lovely my CPN has been but she is pretty powerless when it comes to IP places and referrals. The best she could probably do is get me an appointment with the devil shrink that works with her. I DO NOT WANT THAT. Plus, it would be about a six month wait so it's pretty stupid.

And seriously, the Devil Shrink is one of those that makes the ever so helpful observations like, 'So, you have gained some weight since i last saw you then?'. But its rhetorical. She has these idiot eyes that just stare at your arse and hips and she is basically A SHIT BUCKET. Fuck that. I am triggering myself enough at the minute, thanks.

So, i wanna round this off now because its turnin' in to a right ol' essay!

Where am i now?

Well, i have been playing a waiting game. As i said before, SuperCPN arranged an appointment for tomorrow but that has now been cancelled. Brilliant. Not just cancelled but they also can't rearrange until the end of May. I don't have an actual date yet.

I am bingeing almost daily. Nowhere near as bad as it was at the height of my bingeing before, most of the time, but still pretty bad.

My laxatives are out of control. I can't actually stop taking them. This is having an effect on my body in so many ways. I have been passing out (even though my bloods came back okay-weird) and crapping my pants. Ive had the most insane stomach pains and all the rest.

Ive been trying to get an appointment with my GP for over two weeks. I finally got one for tomorrow. Then, on Thursday, the surgery called me to say another dr wants to see me as well. He just wants to have a look at this lump if got to see about chopping the bitch off lol. Doctors appointments, it seems, are like buses. You wait weeks for one and then two come along at the same time!

My finances are fucked. I really wasn't in any position for things to get this bad but the addition of some bingeing coupled with about £40-£50 a week on laxatives is killing me. I have no money left by the end of the week and just...well, its bad. I have borrowed so much off my Dad for bills in this past couple of months which is so difficult for me. I never borrow money like that. I hate doing it because its important for me to be seen as being independant.

Oh i dont know

everything, is fucked.

i am not falling.

i am down

and i can't fucking work out how to get back up

especially when i have no professional support

all that keeps going round in my head is

'if none of the professionals care enough to talk to me, then i sure as hell don't fucking care about myself.'

but then, at the same time, i do care. I must do. Otherwise i wouldnt want this IP thing. Otherwise i wouldn't have gone to the appointment with the idiot dim crisis team shrink. 

I am a walking contradiction at the minute.

Whatever

NAILED IT.

If you know me, you know that i am not that much of a Topshop fan. I haven't bought anything from there in years and years. I think the last time was probably about two or three years ago and i think it was a pair of jeans, which have now been donated to my wonderful sister. Anyways, i am really excited about these things. And it IS my birthday this week so if i can't treat myself now then i don't know when i can! I am not a fan of the clothes, not because i don't like the style or the fashion direction or anything like that, i just really am not a fan of wearing shit that a million and one other people will be wearing but i have an absolute weakness for their jewellery - mainly their rings. I adore them. Any ring that is massive is a winner to me but, if you don't know already, i am a turquoise and deep green freak.

I can't wait for my weekly shopping trip with my best friend this week. It is literally my weekly highlight. It is just lovely to walk around with her and her little girl and to just distract. I think that, when i am in a deep Depression like this, distraction is the key. Whether i am painting my nails (see later in this post) eating (definetly a negative one at the minute), drawing, writing, tweeting, facebooking, doing my makeup or whatever, it just helps to force my mind to do something else. I don't like to admit this though because i don't like to give all of the countless CPNs and Mental Health Workers to have the satisfaction that they were right.

with the heart tips.

Tonight, for example, i spent hours doing my nails. Literally. I started off wanting to do a bit of a valentines day mix. I saw this nail post and wanted to give them a try. I wanted to have a go at doing some roses on my nails for the first time though and they just didn't mix very well together. As you can see, they just didn't look right. I would have felt silly to leave the house with these nails and decided to save the heart tips for another day.

 My nails are not actually going to be like this for that long anyway because i am going to be buying this beautiful new nail polish when i go shopping later in the week. I am SO excited. I want to think of a way to mix it up a little but we will have to wait and see what happens there :) I spotted it in-store on a model in a picture and knew instantly that it needed to be a part of my life, immediately!

The finished rose nails :)

 I ended up redoing the nails with the tips on and the finished result looked much better. I really like them and am excited to work on the roses and make them look even better next time :)

Part of the reason for doing something a little different today is that i was looking for a cutical stick and having some serious problems with locating the one i bought the other day. I had to go in to 'the box'. Its like an endless pile of odds and ends like an old nail extension set, endless lip balms, nail files, cuticle oils, cotton buds, tape and goodness knows what else.

Well, i went in there knowing i would be digging around for ages. I didn't find a cuticle stick but i found so many other things. To be precise, i found seven nail varnishes, five lipsticks, my old favourite Body Shop lipbalm, my glass nail file and a nail art brush that i thought i had lost. not only that though, I FOUND MY 219 brush! I thought i had lost it at my Mum and Dad's house and if this would have been the case, i would have never ever seen it ever again. My sister has a dog that likes to chew anything and everything in the world so WOO for finding that! I can't wait to use it tomorrow!

- - - 

It may strike you that this is a 'weird' post because i am not talking about feelings but, as i mentioned before, distraction is the word of the day. I can't cope with anything else. I don't want to talk about my (still very very low) mood and so this is my explanation.

I want to take my blog in a different direction. I am very much about expressing myself and about not feeling any shame about my mental health problems but i also want to stress how important it is for me to reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness.

 I am no and i will never again be ashamed of my mental health problems. I just feel that its important for me to be able to discuss whatever i want to discuss on this blog. If i want to talk rubbish and chat about my latest nail art or what book i might be reading, then this is what i am going to do. Just so you know, i am going to try and mix things up a little because i am boring myself so goodness knows what it must be like for all of you.

Its a case of this is me. All parts of me. Its important for people to be able to accept all parts of all people...simple.

Secrets.

I do this everytime. I hide, i laugh through the pain, make jokes through the tears, hide myself behind this facade of a smiley, happy freak that seems carefree. I make the conscious decision to do it, it doesn't always just happen. Sometimes i actually think, 'better start making jokes now. I don't want people to see how sad i am. Can't have me making them sad' and i let myself close in. I know deep down that every single time i do this, it will make things go further up shit creek and it will overturn my boat in the end until these people get the shock of their lives as they try to pull me out of the murky waters and save me from myself. Every fucking time.

Its like i can't help it. I can see what has happened, i can see where this could go and it all feels inevitable. Something feels like it has to happen before i can even dream of a time when i don't feel like this. I need to scare off some of these feelings or something. Its too intense. It's kinda like when you have filled up your bag with your shopping (good little metaphor here seeing as how this is all i seem to do at the minute) and you realise that as soon as you pick the bag up, the bottom is going to fall out. You need to take something out to make it more manageable...

This is how i feel. I feel like i am going to have to wait until the bottom falls out and i fall completely to pieces, smash into oblivion and take longer to fix back together or do something to alleviate the pressure. But i don't want to do anything. I just don't know how much worse i could feel. All of these feelings are smashing at the sides of my head. Every time i move it kinda hurts. I know exactly what is coming when i go to sleep at night - nightmares. And when i wake up in the morning, i lay there and i consider all of the possibilities for that day. Not who i could meet or where i could go but what extra lengths i could go to to rid myself of, well...me. What behaviours will i engage in today? What time will i take my normal pills of choice? If i have to eat, what time will be acceptable as a last resort? How can i rid myself of this stuff all over me the quickest. I sit and i work out BMIs, play with calories. I bend and stretch the possibilities. From bare minimum to absolute maximum. I stretch them until it feels like i have stretched my mind.

I try to change my train of thought. What else can i think about?

Hurting myself.

How would i do it? When would i do it? What would i do? WHY WHY WHY.

This hurts too much so i run to the shop, buy foods i have not allowed myself to eat in months, throw them down the hatch, keep on going. I spend maybe £15 on cheap, nasty ass foods that are going to end up...eurgh whatever...Then, oh god, what am i doing? Throw up? Throw the food away? Stop eating, stop. Where's the vinegar, throw it over everything. No. I can't keep this in the house, throw it away. Lay in bed. Cocoon myself in blankets, hide from myself. Hide from the possibilities. Lay there. Wait. What am i waiting for? Who am i waiting for? Surely the only person i can possibly be waiting for is myself. But i don't know where i am anymore.

I am under this mound of calories and weights and moods, depression, thoughts of hurting myself, of finishing...

Oh gosh i don't know

I just need to hold on until Tuesday, when i see this emergency psychiatrist. Just wait until Tuesday. Three days, just three more days...

Keep

Holding

On.

Oh god.

This morning's appointment with my CBT therapist was such a waste of time. I thought that i would go in, tell her my decision on whether or not i have decided to go with therapy (i have). But it didn't go like that. I was late (long story) and didn't get in until just after twenty past. I got out at half past.
Not even joking it was ridiculous

And with how i am feeling, i really needed longer

I am now on a waiting list
and part of the deal with having CBT is that i am going to have to have weigh-ins


I have a feeling my mind changed at the exact moment she told me that...

DEVIL CHEESE

Today was all about coming clean to people. I had three appointments and, lets just say that they were pretty intense.

I was picked up by my support worker from my place and we drove in to town for a drink. I know this is not important but i had Sprite Zero and it was lush. Remember how i would inject Coca-Cola or Dr Pepper if i could - Sprite is a big change. It was really yum. A lovely change and it tasted soo lemon-y. Anyways, i was talking to Kim and, like usual, it was easy. She is a lovely woman and really easy for me to talk to, thank goodness. I mentioned how shit things have been and how i have felt like i have nobody and blahblah. She said i could call her office and talk to someone and so on...

After my appointment with her, she dropped me off up at St. George's for my appointment with the dietician. The plan for this week was for me to be told all about how energy is used and to work out my Basal Metabolic Rate. It didn't quite go like that though, to say the least. She asked about my eating and i suddenly turned in to a nice little cliche, 'I can't stop eating' was how i replied and i started crying as i was saying it. Bloody idiot.

She went out to try and see whether there was a shrink that could come and see me but she was in clinic. She then went up to get Andrea (the ed nurse woman) who came down and we made a deal that she would call my new CPN and explain what i had said had been going on...

I know what the main problem is here. As i mentioned a little while ago, i have stopped taking my pills. Well, i only just admitted it today and lets be honest, it needs sorting.

Hmm...I am meant to be getting a call from my psychiatrist to try and sort shit out and to get some advice on taking my pills again. I did try to get on to them again but they were making me vom and it was getting to the stage where i was taking them TO vom. Ugh. So not good.

My mood is lower than it has been in over a year. Its horribly low and i kinda admitted to being a bit too FML today. That's what got the alarm bells ringing for everybody... hmm

Just before my appointment with the Dietician, i had a right scare.

I was sat in the waiting room and this guy comes stumbling in with a fucking slice of cheese on toast. He was so weird. Pardon me for my fail at being PC but i couldn't work out whether he was drunk or just plain crackers. He was stumbling all over the show. The receptionist looked pretty fucking scared too. I was absolutely crapping it and giggling my nervous giggle and basically, i was reaching a right anxiety point. jesus. Anyways, he slaps the cheese on toast down on the desk and bends down to tie his laces while muttering some shit. I couldn't understand a single word. He didn't even TIE his laces, he was just putting knot-after-knot-after-knot in them. It was so funny/terrifying. The lady called up to whoever he was seeing once he had barked his name at her. She then asked him something like 'do you pronounce it...?' and he goes, 'what?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!' and she just dropped it.

He was told to take a seat but just decided to carry on stumbling around the waiting room giving me a near heart attack.

He fell back up to the desk and barked again, 'what the hell is meant to be happening now?!'. The lovely receptionist told him to take a seat and someone would be down. She saw that i was scared and had been pulling 'wtf' faces at me and me to her.

She told me to come through and buzzed me through the locked door to let me sit in a room until my dietician was ready for me.

I didn't actually realise how anxious i was until i got out of the situation and was shaky as fuck and kinda light headed. My heart was racing pretty quickly but i didn't properly realise until i had come out of the situation that my anxiety levels had risen so much if that makes sense. Like, i knew i was scared and nervous but i didn't recognise the physical symptoms. Bloody good job for that absolutely wonderful receptionist. Honest to god she has worked there for years. I remember her being there when i used to go the first time round and she is an absolute delight!

Thank goodness for her today. Especially with how i was feeling. I was more bloody worried about getting cheese thrown at me than getting killed lol. That was the funny bit. He was dropping it all over the place. When he first got in there, he put it on the table and the receptionist was like, 'do you want that putting in the bin?'. He couldn't have picked it up fast enough! He then informed her that he did not want this putting in the bin and that it was his dinner. He then said it was a sandwich but he was drunk/crackers so we will forgive his stupid mistake on that one!

As he was stumbling, he was dropping bits and fuck me...i think that's when Miss Lovely Receptionist decided enough was enough. I nearly fucking passed out as this big lump of cheese splodged on the floor.

I am bored so i decided a nice visual thing would really capture the cheese feeling! So much talent, i know!

So that was it really.

I met Lucie after my appointment and that was okay. I just don't feel like i am being myself with anybody right now. Everything is intense inside but i am pretending so much when with people. Its kinda ... i don't know.

Could have been worse - the bloke could have attacked me with the devil cheese, i suppose.

whoosh.

This weekend has seriously flown by. It seems like it was only two seconds ago that it was Friday and i was awaiting a long, drawn out and boring weekend. However, it turned out to be quite fun. I didn't do very much yesterday apart from a little bit of housework but then last night i went to see Tangled. It's only recently been released in the UK but i have been dieing to see it! My friend, Liv, knew this and she decided she would take me as an early birthday present! Wicked!

We got there ridiculously early but it didn't matter too much as we got to have a gossip and some giggles. I got to tell her all about the proposal i got from a drunken friend on Friday night (don't ask! so stupid) and we just sat and giggled.

Don't ask me why, but she's on the wagon (loser, much?! (I kid, i kid)) so i was the only one drinking. That coupled with how they only had the choice of Diet Pepsi or Pepsi Max (two of the worst drinks in existence - apart from Coke Zero which is the devil incarnate) made pretty much a drunken fail. I took some vodka with me, like the gangster that i am, but only had a bit. I just couldn't drink the shit. It was horrible. I tried adding some Diet Coke with Cherry but it couldn't get rid of the piss! lol.

Afterwards, we ended up missioning to Tesco just so that we didn't have to spend the time waiting in the freezing cold and gusting winds

She left mine this afternoon and then a friend turned up (totally forgot id planned it) for me to do her makeup. I did that quickly and have been grazing ever since.

I have appointments galore this week - three of the four appointments are on Tuesday. I have a new CPN/Social worker that i am meeting on Tuesday and i also have an appointment with the bloody dietician where we are apparently working out my metabolic rate. I kinda think that at the moment, this is going to be more triggering than anything. Just because i am so fucking bingey. I can't stop eating. Its horrible.

Andi am going to stop this blog now because just writing that has brought me to tears. Nice one.

All madeup with no place to go

oh dear

This new Mac collection is going to kill me.

I swear it is such a good job that i don't like fashion because i would never be able to keep up with the trends.

I have been waiting for the Mac Peacocky collection for longer than you could imagine. Well, not that long actually. Unless you have an imagination comparable to the memory of a goldfish.

So, i heard about this collection at some point last year and near enough jizzed my pants. I have been looking at promo shots and swatches online for months now. Its due to be released in stores on Thursday but is available online as of a couple of hours ago. I have literally been checking the website twenty times a day from both my computer and my iPhone. It is rather ridiculous but, you know when you have something to look forward to? Well, i can't help it!

Anywho, my friend LK has said she will buy me two (that's a bloody star right there. And she's fit) and then i have managed to narrow the list down to these five beauties. I had been saving for a month or so because i knew that this collection was made for me. Odalisque especially.

If you know anything about me, you will know that i would basically have sex with the colour turquoise in all of its forms if i could. Literally. It is my favourite colour in the actual universe. Admittedly, i do have more than enough different versions of turquoise eyeshadows but...In fact, no. no i do not. I will never have enough. I am always needing more more more. Its the beauty in makeup. You always have new, inventive ways of creating something that you have never done before. Playing around with what you have done a thousand times but mixing it up a little...

So yeah. Odalisque was a cert.

Noir Plum is another fit one. That's gonna be a sell-out, FYI so get your finger out of your arses and order that one. Nom

You can see all the others i have decided on. They're all bloody beauts. I can't wait to get my hands on them on Thursday. I'll be creamin' all over the shop.

There are a whole load of lipglosses in this collection as well but i don't have a budget that masseeeeev. I love Love Peck and i have an odd curiosity when it comes to Peacocky. I sort of want it just so that i have it. I am just curious, that's all!

Roll on Thursday. I will have a massive grin on my face and i am sure the people of Mac will be expecting me bang on opening time.

plus, i get Sky TV tomorrow.

BAM

Life feels nice this evening. I like it.

Ill bask in its greatness whilst it lasts =]

Morning or Night.

It doesn't really make much difference. I don't seem to ever sleep so the different stages of the day just blend in to eachother. When i manage to steal an hour or so, i can't even tell. I am in such a light sleep that everything...i can't even explain it. Like, you know how they say that there are different stages of sleep and you can't really dream in any stage before the fifth one. Well, i have these micro dreams and my fuck, they're horrid. I swear, yesterday, i woke up from one of these weird dream things (it had lasted for about five minutes) and had a panic attack. It was the weirdest thing ever.

I had been crying before falling to sleep and am pretty sure i fell to sleep whilst still crying (i know, i know. FML). I woke up and i just wanted to ... i can't even explain it properly. It lasted for such a long time and i swear i blacked out at one point because there is a window where i can't remember anything. I can't really remember very much from the whole thing to be honest but i never really can. Gosh it was awful.

I am proper fucking things up right now. And i want it to stop. But then idk...

oh shut up for goodness sake

- - -

Anywho, fantastic news now!

I WILL BE GOING TO SEE JOHN BISHOP!

Crikey on a stick!

I thought i had lost the reference and, me being me, i couldn't remember what site i had ordered them from. I thought that i would maybe not be able to go and i was shitting it, pal. I bought Lucie a ticket as one of her Christmas presents and obviously i am going with her. As luck would have it, the show is on my birthday. Yippee.

The worry was killing me though lol. The tickets have still not arrived but once i found out what site i ordered them from (seetickets in case you're wondering) and put in all the details and shit, my mind was put at ease.

I am so relieved.

My birthday is going to be funny as shite.

nom

random fact: Lucie fancies the pants off him.

Personally, i am more partial to a slice of the sex pie that is Michael McIntyre =]

:'|

feeling really poorly again =[

really fed up.

Yesterday was just the same amount of shit as this past week has been.

I have been consuming everything you could possibly imagine and now my head is being all, 'you must be well now' and i am getting pretty fucking pissed with it.

Its scaring me too.

Its been four days since i weighed myself and i swear to god, that's the longest i have gone in months and months.

I have been crying for the past two hours and shovelling more food into my stupid body in an attempt to stop the hurting but its making me feel worse.

I am hammering the laxatives and feeling like an absolute dickhead.

eurgh

sorry.

Reflection.

Right now, do i actually want to change?

It sounds like a stupid question when you read back through my blog and see how bloody pathetically low i am the majority of the time and how much of a fucked up life i appear to be living at the moment but the more i think about it, the less of a stupid question it seems.

I had an appointment with my knew dietician today. It went okay, but like i said in my last blog, i was down as shittery and just really didn't want to be out of the house or anything. I went though and i suppose i should give myself a pat on the back for that...

It wasn't what i would call 'helpful', we just spoke about what my intake is, she wanted to ask weight questions but i refused to answer them properly. I fucking hate weighty numbers. 'What's your lowest weight?', 'What's your current weight?', 'What is your 'perfect weight'?' blahblahblah. Stupid questions.

I could have guessed that my head was going to be a dick to me and sure enough, i was right! Everything she said was immediately twisted and distorted to make me feel as bad about myself as physically possible. I don't think she was actually saying anything wrong and it was almost like i could see it being twisted and manipulated as if to affirm that how i am feeling is the exact truth. At one point, she was asking about when i went through my 'better' patch. I mentioned that my weight did remain quite stable and stuff and she latched on to that to try to see whether i could use that as motivation to change things because if i was relatively stable then, surely i would be stable now... I just replied with, 'yes. but i was a higher weight then.' She simply said 'were you really?' And immediately the words were floating in front of my face, being stretched and underlined and insert imaginary eyebrow lifts and just generally being manipulated to within an inch of their lives. Its like a small part of my head can see it happening but the rest of me is so obsessed that its kinda...i can't explain it. I can see it happening and i can write it like this but even whilst typing my head is being all 'don't be stupid. you know that's what she meant' and so on and so forth.

Then, later in the appointment, she asked something that has kinda confused me today.

'Well, you obviously want to change and that's obvious because you're coming to see us here...'

I am confused.

Do i want to change? Yes.

Do i feel like i am in a position to make changes right now? No.

Do i need to? Hmm...

I know that the way i am existing right now is extreme in that the laxatives and stuff are mental but then the ED steps in and is like, 'well, you're obviously not thin' and then my mind begins this war with itself. Its like i can't contemplate change because the physical manifestations don't correlate with the behaviours.

I have to make a decision about my CBT and i feel pressured. Everybody knows what's going on with me at the moment and it's making me feel like by me not commiting to this therapy, i am letting people down and disappointing them. But then what do i do? Do i do the therapy even though i know i wont commit fully or do i disappoint people and try my best to explain i am not ready? I am so torn.

Between my head and my family/friends. Between my eating disorder and what little it feels like is left of 'me'.

I don't know what to do.

And of course, because i am finding this decision so hard, i am attempting to mask these feelings with my behaviours.

Ever since Friday especially, i have been struggling. Three days of bingeing and yeah...other shiz that i am not going to go in to.

I am just struggling, okay. And by admitting this to the blogosphere, maybe i will be able to admit it to somebody else...

I am scared

and struggling, okay?!

And that's okay. it is okay. I am allowed to struggle, i know i am.

I just need others to see it that way too and to try to understand that i don't think i can do this right now...

and that i am sorry.

Seriously shite sleeping patterns.

I am not even sure my sleeping could be said to follow any sort of pattern, that's how badly screwed it is. Literally, i get a few hours a night and that's it.

I try to remind myself that it is no wonder i struggle with my mood so much when i am tired. You should remember that sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture for years and years. This is like torture. Totally.

My head is asleep most of the time. I don't remember things, i just exist. In fact, i don't even know if i could call it an existance because half of the time i am dead anyways. I just float through the motions, never quite attaching to anything because i don't have the energy. I don't do much that could be considered to be 'worthwile', partly because i am just...i am knackered.

The doctors keep telling me that i shouldn't take sleeping pills every night and i understand what they're saying in that they don't want me to be an addict or owt but i am honestly considering having a sleeping pill every night for a week because i can't go on like this.
Last night, i got a hot water bottle and did all nice things before bed. I chilled and everything.
I got in to bed and my eyes were drooping (i could have wooped with joy at this) so i grabbed my chance and laid down quickly. I fell to sleep quite quickly - i think it was about ten minutes, which is fabulous.
Then, an hour and a half later, i wake up. Wide awake and everything. Eurgh
Of course this means i did a whole shit load of night eating. Loads of pasta. I don't even know what made me want pasta considering i am not a fan and never have been that much of a fan of it. But alas, i did.
And now i have to get ready and actually leave the house and 'exist' in the bustle of the general public, pretending that everything is okay and that i am comfortable with being outside and being with the world and being seen.

I don't want to go to my appointment today. It is taking more than i could possibly tell you for me to even listen to my alarm (which has just gone off) and get up to shower. That's only the first battle. I have the shower and dealing with my stupid body and then the getting dressed, the mirror for my makeup, the body checking, the weighing, the pills, the multiple outfits.

eurgh

today is going to be a long ass mofo

Do not drink. Ever.

This weekend was hilarious. At least, i think other people agree with that and i hope to shittery that people aint annoyed with me. I was still drunk when i woke up on Sunday morning so fuck knows how the shittery people were being with me because i tend to think i am very loved when i am drunk, even though i am most probably being despised. Ah well.

I went to York for the weekend to see a friend of mine. We met on Friday and went on a fail of a night to her friend's house where we had like, two drinks and then went home.

Saturday was different.

The drinks i remember:

a pitcher of a cocktail called 'Skittles'

a pitcher of Purple Rain which i shared with one of Stef's friends

3 vodka and Diet Cokes. (i thought i was drinking responsibly because i only got singles! lol)

At least four double vodka and J20s

I think this might be it but i have a feeling i am missing a chunk of the night lol. Come to think of it, I am absolutely certain i had more but i just don't remember. haha.

Apparently, i ended up passed out on the street, asleep.

if you know me at all, you will know that i am the most annoying sleeper ever. You wont be able to wake me up once ive gone and if you add alcohol in to the mix, i may as well be in a coma.

Stef apparently had suspected mid-level hypothermia at one point so we ended up going to the hospital. 

If ever there was a moment to say i am never drinking again, this is probably it.

But i totally am, so i wont bother

What a sticky night.

I know this is random but it made me mega miss my friend. She is a mega drunk as well and we always used to have the most fun and stuff. Now she lives way down yonder in the deepest depths of Essex and this is sad. I miss messy biscuit munching.

She is as much of a drunken lout as me which is obviously a mad mixture but bloody fantastic.

I think i should arrange some sort of trip soon...

I never would have hitchhiked to Birmingham if it hadn't been for love

Adele's new album has got some absolute stunning tracks on it, my favourite of which is this little gem.

Her voice never fails to amaze me. I am rather partial to those songs that you can't help but cry to. I have a bit of a silly obsession with them even though i cry like a bitch.

Two of my favourite 'guaranteed to make me sob' songs are:

 and then there is this absolute heartbreaker that honestly does me in every single time but it is just such a beautiful song.

I used to listen to it whenever i was FML just to try and...well, i don't know what the point in it was but the beauty of a song that is about such ugliness just touches me deeply.

I am now getting really excited for tomorrow. Hell, i am even excited for the train ride there. I like train rides. I like to just sit and watch the trees whizzing past and just think. Sometimes i will take a book with me but it often makes me feel sick to read on a train. I will probably have one with me though, just in case the mood should take me :)

I haven't even packed yet. its going to just be a case of grabbing some knickers, chucking some jumpers in a bag, finding enough pairs of tights and then leaving. I am not one to worry too much about what i wear but that's only because my 'style' is just messy chic. Haha. Less of the chic. More like your grandads jumper, your Dad's steel toe capped shoes and your Mums makeup bag, that sort of thing. =]

I am excited to meet new people and just to be somewhere so beautiful.

I love York. I have been a couple of times but only on school trips or one of my Dad's 'educational' trips where we wouldn't even go in to any clothes shops (i know, its sickening)!

Excited.

I am going to be functioning on very little sleep again. I managed to get an hour and a half which is really stupid considering i was bloody knackered after only sleeping for three hours last night. Its ridiculous that my body can't understand that I AM TIRED and this means i need sleep. Its not like its a bloody priviledge. I HAVE A RIGHT TO SLEEP, BITCH!

Ahhh.

This weekend is going to be too fun for words

There will be lots of pictures, don't you worry!

Drunken daze.

I think that those two words are going to be the only two i will be able to pluck from the air to describe this weekend. I don't even know what the plans are yet, all i know is that i am going to be drinking drink after drink after drink. It's going to be beautiful. A three day bender. I haven't had one of those in about, gosh, a year or something?! Weird. I used to have one of my benders every other weekend and my gosh they didn't half used to get messy. I feel like a grown up with my 'weekend only' drinking and my 'limits'. When did i get so middle aged? i am 21, I feel like about 17 and act like i'm 45!

All i know about this weekend is that i am meeting my sister tomorrow to give her my keys and she is going to look after Twink for me. Then, i am going to go and leap on to a train to York, meet Stef, walk back to hers, dump my bag and then start drinking. Who knows where it will take us. I hear vague mentions of places like Lowther (?). Don't worry, these places don't mean anything to me either. Well, i have heard of them because Stef has mentioned them before and apparently, they have a killah atmosphere and drink deals to boot. I am really excited to get away from Sheffield for a few days. i feel like it's sending my crazier!

I have bon bons and they have turned my tongue bright blue haha.

I can't wait for this weekend

Going to get SO drunk :D

Listen up, kids. Take your pillzzz.

Why i stopped taking my pills, i will never know. I don't understand my logic, ever. 'Maybe the pills are making me so fat?!'. Yes, Lil-Dawg, that will be it. Its not like the pills are the only thing keeping you together.

I stopped taking them a while back and i have been trying to get back on them. As well as me vomming every two fucking minutes from taking too many laxatives (i think that is the reason), i am vomming whenever i take those. So now i have to play games with my eating disorder.

I have a choice. Do i want to take the pills and risk vomiting or do i want to take the laxatives? I can't take both because then i vomit the laxatives and that's just daft. Eurgh. its driving me mental because i truly do want to get back on the pills and sort out my mood. I don't know what the hell to do.

I have an appointment with Andrea tomorrow. Its only a half hour one. She will want to do my BP and maybe weigh me. She likes to not warn me about weigh-ins now, i think, because i have been cancelling appointments whenever i have been due to be weighed. Naughty girl.

I am not nervous. She will want to know about my blood results (came back as 'no further action') and be interested to hear about my ECG. I have not had it done. I don't want it doing. FUCK OFF. I am not having an ECG in that place, they can bollocks. Arrange me an appointment or suck my balls.

So, in other news, i am a happy puppy.

I ordered a new powder blush from Mac last week and, when it arrived, they had sent me the wrong colour (fukmalyf). I was just going to go and take the colour in to the Mac store tomorrow and exchange it but i decided to send a quick email to Mac to see if they could get hold of the original blusher for me instead. I expected to have to send back the one they sent me in error (Sur) and then for them to resend me the original order (Gana).

I checked my emails this evening and saw that this lovely lady had replied to my email to tell me that she had ordered Gana to be sent to her desk ASAP and that she was going to send it out to me, free of charge and i could keep Sur with compliments from them.

That has got to be the best customer service i have ever recieved.

I'm so happy because gana sold out one hour after i bought it so I would not have been able to buy it at all. gosh!

That put me in a good mood for a start.

I went to the shops and spent way too much money on munchies like sweets and chocolate. I can deal with eating sweets but chocolate freaks me out a bit. Ah well.

I slept most of the day away because i didn't sleep last night. Finally dropped off at about 7am.

Yeah, so when i got back from the shop, i got a phone call. I contacted someone about getting Sky TV last week bu decided not to sign up for it because i needed the payments to be due out around the middle of the month so i didn't die (lol). Anyways, the Sky people called me again today to see where i was with my decision. I had sweeties in my hand and had just recieved the email from Mac so was overly lovely.

I signed up right there and then.

I wont notice the pennies gone now but wait until mid-February haha.

However, i will have kids tv to keep me happy =]

Nice.

Dieting

It seems like the world and it's brother is on a diet at the minute. I can't go five minutes without seeing some sort of new diet pill, fitness video or some sort of sale on exercise equipment. I wont lie to you, its triggering the shit out of me. I am trying to be level-headed and not let it push things further down but its really hard.

This got me thinking.

How do people 'in recovery' from eating disorders stave off the temptation that comes with this time of the year. If you're lucky enough to have managed to keep yourself relatively 'together' over Christmas, you have to be super super strong to fight off those thoughts over new year, don't you? How do you do it?

It's really scary to think that the world normalises dieting so fucking much. I mean, why do they have to assume that everyone needs to lose weight. I understand that there are shit loads of people that are classified as being 'obese'. For example, In 2008, almost a quarter of adults (24% of men and 25% of women aged 16 or over) in England were classified as obese (BMI 30kg/m2 or over), according to some recent NHS statistics. That's not a majority so why are we treat like it is?

I agree with improving self awareness and encouraging healthy eating but, in a society that normalises dieting to such a disgusting level, it makes me feel sick that so many boys and girls are being diagnosed with eating disorders. I am, in no way, saying that the media is wholly responsible for the rising numbers of eating disorders but they do play a large part. You ask any woman you know (and yes, i know boys have problems too...) and she will have been on a diet. The statistics i have seen in relation to teenagers that have tried laxatives, made themselves vomit or been on a diet are scary.

My friend has a little girl and it terrifies me that she is growing up in a society that normalises this so much.

A friend of mine pointed out the other day that dieting et al have damaged her and caused her so many more problems than alcohol and cigarettes and raised a good question as to why adverts for cigarettes are banned...

Adverts for alcohol are regulated and have to come along with a 'drink aware' logo in the corner. Same with gambling. There should at least be some sort of regulatory board...

Hmm...just something that has really got my goat this past couple of weeks. I keep wanting to cry because wherever i look, i can't get away from it and it scares me. This, coupled with my 'not wanting to be seen by anybody' syndrome i have at the minute is proving to be very distressing.

I am getting better with going out though. However, i just seem to walk around with my head down all the time. I panic and constantly think that people are talking about me, saying horrible things, being horrid in general. I seem to think that everyone hates me. I know they don't when i feel more levelled (normally at times when i am at home) but when i am out, i just can't shake the feeling.

I have started having panic attacks too. Fun times.

I need to go and get an ECG done this week but i am too scared. I went on Thursday morning, thinking it would be just like any normal hospital waiting room. i knew it would be busy and i knew it would be a while but i never expected just how busy it was going to be. I walked in through the doors and stood in the queue. I managed about a minute and i went dizzy and thought i was going to pass out. I was shaking and close to tears. My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest and i was really scared. All i can remember is the smell and the stares. It felt like everybody was thinking horrible things about me. It felt like...just horrible. And the smell was just as bad. I noticed it the minute i walked through the door. I felt like i could taste what people had had for their breakfast. It was probably a crappy smell of BO or something or just the smell that comes along when you have a room of people, breathing their disgusting hot air from their mouths and perspiring and just...eurgh. However, because i couldn't get the breakfast thought out of my head, no amount of deep breathing or sitting down was going to shake off this feeling.

I have this thing about smells at the minute. I used to have it back in the olden days when i was 'A' but these days it's even worse. I am scared that if i smell something, then i have eaten the calories. Written down its bloody stupid but when you have a thought like that in your head and you are so scared, you can't help but gayly manage to rationalise it. its stupid, i know.

So anyways, once the tunnel vision set in (thats the worst part of the panic attack for me because my eyes start darting and i get even more panicked), i decided i had to leave.

I need to get the ECG though and so...yeah...i don't know what to do. All i know is that i can't go there alone and sit in that breakfast stinking room with those sweaty ill people. I know i am 'ill' as well but my illness is not going to infect you. I am not going to fill you up with my germy badness. I just, eurgh.

I thought that by writing for a bit i would be able to forget all the anxieties and kinda sort my head out a bit but it has not worked.

I have an appointment with my nurse on Thursday and i think i am just going to tell her that i can't go. They're going to have to find a way to get me an appointment or something because i can't do it. it wouldn't be as bad if they had bloody windows or something but they have NOTHING.

Bollocks to it. I was meant to be asking Kim to take me tomorrow but i don't think i dare.

Ah well.

So the plan for this week:

Monday: Appointment with Kim (support worker)

Tuesday: Home

Wednesday: Home

Thursday: Appointment with Andrea (ED nurse)

Friday: Home in the day and then going to Stef's for the weekend. We are going to be pretty smashed all weekend so its going to be bloody amazing, not that i will remember any of it :)

I am bored out of my mind tonight. Need to get me a hobby. I am considering taking up running again but i am lazy as fuck. I wish i could do exercise just by thinking lol.

with Liv last night. Dammit i missed her!

Drama

Last night was ridiculous. It was the second night in a row where i have been ill. For the last few days i have been feeling poorly - not quite with it. I've been passing out, going dizzy, vomiting from the laxatives (i think) and just feeling like death. I am just about over the cold i had last week so it is definetly not that.

Last night, my stomach was in such intense pain, i can't even begin to tell you. I was violently sick and just not well at all. I passed out again and it was after that that i decided to call the GP collaborative.
A doctor called me back and asked that i go straight in. He sent a medicar to pick me up and off i went. He did all different tests. There was mention of colitis but because i haven't noticed any blood in my stools, that was ruled out...he tested for any sort of urine infection, that came back clear...
He poked around on my stomach, he did my blood pressure (which was really quite low) and just did a few basic tests.
I was shaking like a leaf, dizzy as hell and just felt like someone had come along and kicked all trace of health from my body. It was horrible.

I ended up arriving home at about 4.30 this morning but couldn't sleep so i decided to get ready and trot on out to pick up a package that is waiting for me at the local Royal Mail place. I swear i spend more time in that damn place that anywhere else these days.

I then walked in to Hillsborough to this sign language thing. Just a group of my old classmates meet for a coffee and to practise signing.
I managed to stay all of 30 minutes but i had to leave because i felt too unwell. I just felt so sick and dizzy and it was horrible.
I left and came straight home. I've been sleepy again since arriving back at mine. Its ridiculous how tired i am
There has got to be something wrong...

I don't get my bloods back until Monday because they did the whole lot and it takes a bit longer...I have to have an ECG tomorrow. I am going to go to the drop in ECG place at the Hallamshire before my appointment for CBT. I am nervous about that because i am scared that i will have to show too much flesh but ill do it because i need to work out what the hell is wrong. I know how to say no anyways and i will just get up and leave if they decide to be dickish to me!

Then i have cbt and then i am meeting Lucie. I am back to only seeing her once a week again because i literally stay in the house six days a week, restricting and laxing. Its gay. Very gay

Hmm...i am so over feeling this poorly. Its been a long while since my ED has had this much of an effect on my health and i think the abuse i have been giving myself may actually be catching up on me

ugh

xxx

Kind words and smiles.

Today was difficult but it didn't end up being anywhere near as disastrous as i had imagined. That's one of my problems these days. I am constantly at such an elevated level of anxiety that i tend to panic over the smallest of things. I reckon this is one of the reasons why i haven't been sleeping. My mind just can't switch off. I go from panicking about my next appointment to worrying about how much weight my last meal will have made me gain or how much liquid actually weighs and what effect that last Diet Coke is going to have on my weight. What will my BMI be tomorrow now that i ate more today. What if i can't control the stupid urges to 'binge'?! I just panic about everything, blowing it up to be something so much bigger.

This morning would have made the calmest of ED-ers panicky but i am surprised by how okay it was. I think that that was massively down to how Andrea had faxed a letter through to my doctor. I didn't read it all but saw the general jist. Basically, it said i had 'body dysmorphic issues' and that Andrea was sure my doctor would be 'extra sensitive' when it came to my stomach examination. It was ok. I thought she would have to touch my actual stomach which was the main thing worrying me. I mean, most people would be worried about someone seeing their stomach and don't get me wrong, i would have been but i know how to say 'no' and i knew that i sure as hell was not going to lift my top up for anybody. It was okay - the Dr was able to do the examination through my clothes so there was no skin-to-skin contact. Fabulous :)

I spoke to her about my sleeping and she gave me some pills (thank you, jesus!) so tonight is going to be a 'normal' night (i hope). I am not going to waste one of the pills though because i am actually struggling to keep my eyes open anyways, considering i have had about six hours sleep in two nights. She checked my BP just so she could put it on the form thing for the Cardiology department, which i have to go to to get an ECG. I spoke to her about my worries that i am having panic attacks and she said it very much does sound like them and that she will give me some beta blockers to try out but cannot prescribe those until my bloods and ECG results come back in, which is fine because i wasn't even fishing for pills or anything anyways.

When she looked on her system, she saw that there was a cancellation with the nurse so i could go and get my blood test done as soon as i had finished with her. Wicked :). I waited around for the nurse to get herself out of whatever flap she was in and then was called through to the little room. I expected it to just be the normal Urea and Electrolyte test which, if i remember correctly, is just a bottle of blood. Nice and simple. My Dr even asked what it was that my ED nurse wanted me tested for, bloodwise. I told her that normally it is just Us and Es but she sent me in for FBCs, Us +Es, LFTs, ABCs, XYZs, 123s and cod knows what else. I thought my arm would drop off or go all wiggly or something. Unfortunately it didn't. We only had to try for blood once as well because i told her right at the beginning that the only way she will get blood from me was by using the butterfly needle. Sometimes they don't listen and i get great pleasure in watching them fail multiple times but this nurse listened. She was very nice.

I am one of those freaks that actually really like getting their bloods done. I like needles. I am always really fascinated when they're taking the blood. I always watch the needle go in, watch the blood come out and everything. They don't phase me...

So, four bottles later and we were done and dusted.

The nurse did the face. You know the one where they have seen your notes and just want to say 'i care'? I love that face. I don't care how patronising it is. I like it haha. AND she said she liked my hair, which is a winner whichever way you look at it :) She goes, 'Take care of yourself and have a lovely day' to which i replied with 'awh thank you. you too'. She then felt the need to say it again but with more concern. It was weird but dead sweet. I couldn't work out why she was saying it though. I decided it was one of two things:

1) She had just read my notes and seen the recent talking between the doctors and every fucking ED doctor ever...lol. You know what i mean

2) She saw the scars on my arm and, like any 'normal' human, it made her sad...

I don't know...it was weird but kinda comforting. Props to you, nursey. You did good!

I am absolutely pooped. I was planning on blogging about the rest of my day but, not gonna lie, i can't be bothered. My eyes are burning because i am so tired.

So, if you did read this, thank you :)

And goodnight =]

Sweet, sweet dreams xxx