DEVIL CHEESE

Today was all about coming clean to people. I had three appointments and, lets just say that they were pretty intense.

I was picked up by my support worker from my place and we drove in to town for a drink. I know this is not important but i had Sprite Zero and it was lush. Remember how i would inject Coca-Cola or Dr Pepper if i could - Sprite is a big change. It was really yum. A lovely change and it tasted soo lemon-y. Anyways, i was talking to Kim and, like usual, it was easy. She is a lovely woman and really easy for me to talk to, thank goodness. I mentioned how shit things have been and how i have felt like i have nobody and blahblah. She said i could call her office and talk to someone and so on...

After my appointment with her, she dropped me off up at St. George's for my appointment with the dietician. The plan for this week was for me to be told all about how energy is used and to work out my Basal Metabolic Rate. It didn't quite go like that though, to say the least. She asked about my eating and i suddenly turned in to a nice little cliche, 'I can't stop eating' was how i replied and i started crying as i was saying it. Bloody idiot.

She went out to try and see whether there was a shrink that could come and see me but she was in clinic. She then went up to get Andrea (the ed nurse woman) who came down and we made a deal that she would call my new CPN and explain what i had said had been going on...

I know what the main problem is here. As i mentioned a little while ago, i have stopped taking my pills. Well, i only just admitted it today and lets be honest, it needs sorting.

Hmm...I am meant to be getting a call from my psychiatrist to try and sort shit out and to get some advice on taking my pills again. I did try to get on to them again but they were making me vom and it was getting to the stage where i was taking them TO vom. Ugh. So not good.

My mood is lower than it has been in over a year. Its horribly low and i kinda admitted to being a bit too FML today. That's what got the alarm bells ringing for everybody... hmm

Just before my appointment with the Dietician, i had a right scare.

I was sat in the waiting room and this guy comes stumbling in with a fucking slice of cheese on toast. He was so weird. Pardon me for my fail at being PC but i couldn't work out whether he was drunk or just plain crackers. He was stumbling all over the show. The receptionist looked pretty fucking scared too. I was absolutely crapping it and giggling my nervous giggle and basically, i was reaching a right anxiety point. jesus. Anyways, he slaps the cheese on toast down on the desk and bends down to tie his laces while muttering some shit. I couldn't understand a single word. He didn't even TIE his laces, he was just putting knot-after-knot-after-knot in them. It was so funny/terrifying. The lady called up to whoever he was seeing once he had barked his name at her. She then asked him something like 'do you pronounce it...?' and he goes, 'what?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!' and she just dropped it.

He was told to take a seat but just decided to carry on stumbling around the waiting room giving me a near heart attack.

He fell back up to the desk and barked again, 'what the hell is meant to be happening now?!'. The lovely receptionist told him to take a seat and someone would be down. She saw that i was scared and had been pulling 'wtf' faces at me and me to her.

She told me to come through and buzzed me through the locked door to let me sit in a room until my dietician was ready for me.

I didn't actually realise how anxious i was until i got out of the situation and was shaky as fuck and kinda light headed. My heart was racing pretty quickly but i didn't properly realise until i had come out of the situation that my anxiety levels had risen so much if that makes sense. Like, i knew i was scared and nervous but i didn't recognise the physical symptoms. Bloody good job for that absolutely wonderful receptionist. Honest to god she has worked there for years. I remember her being there when i used to go the first time round and she is an absolute delight!

Thank goodness for her today. Especially with how i was feeling. I was more bloody worried about getting cheese thrown at me than getting killed lol. That was the funny bit. He was dropping it all over the place. When he first got in there, he put it on the table and the receptionist was like, 'do you want that putting in the bin?'. He couldn't have picked it up fast enough! He then informed her that he did not want this putting in the bin and that it was his dinner. He then said it was a sandwich but he was drunk/crackers so we will forgive his stupid mistake on that one!

As he was stumbling, he was dropping bits and fuck me...i think that's when Miss Lovely Receptionist decided enough was enough. I nearly fucking passed out as this big lump of cheese splodged on the floor.

I am bored so i decided a nice visual thing would really capture the cheese feeling! So much talent, i know!

So that was it really.

I met Lucie after my appointment and that was okay. I just don't feel like i am being myself with anybody right now. Everything is intense inside but i am pretending so much when with people. Its kinda ... i don't know.

Could have been worse - the bloke could have attacked me with the devil cheese, i suppose.