Seriously shite sleeping patterns.

I am not even sure my sleeping could be said to follow any sort of pattern, that's how badly screwed it is. Literally, i get a few hours a night and that's it.

I try to remind myself that it is no wonder i struggle with my mood so much when i am tired. You should remember that sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture for years and years. This is like torture. Totally.

My head is asleep most of the time. I don't remember things, i just exist. In fact, i don't even know if i could call it an existance because half of the time i am dead anyways. I just float through the motions, never quite attaching to anything because i don't have the energy. I don't do much that could be considered to be 'worthwile', partly because i am just...i am knackered.

The doctors keep telling me that i shouldn't take sleeping pills every night and i understand what they're saying in that they don't want me to be an addict or owt but i am honestly considering having a sleeping pill every night for a week because i can't go on like this.
Last night, i got a hot water bottle and did all nice things before bed. I chilled and everything.
I got in to bed and my eyes were drooping (i could have wooped with joy at this) so i grabbed my chance and laid down quickly. I fell to sleep quite quickly - i think it was about ten minutes, which is fabulous.
Then, an hour and a half later, i wake up. Wide awake and everything. Eurgh
Of course this means i did a whole shit load of night eating. Loads of pasta. I don't even know what made me want pasta considering i am not a fan and never have been that much of a fan of it. But alas, i did.
And now i have to get ready and actually leave the house and 'exist' in the bustle of the general public, pretending that everything is okay and that i am comfortable with being outside and being with the world and being seen.

I don't want to go to my appointment today. It is taking more than i could possibly tell you for me to even listen to my alarm (which has just gone off) and get up to shower. That's only the first battle. I have the shower and dealing with my stupid body and then the getting dressed, the mirror for my makeup, the body checking, the weighing, the pills, the multiple outfits.

eurgh

today is going to be a long ass mofo