Reflection.

Right now, do i actually want to change?

It sounds like a stupid question when you read back through my blog and see how bloody pathetically low i am the majority of the time and how much of a fucked up life i appear to be living at the moment but the more i think about it, the less of a stupid question it seems.

I had an appointment with my knew dietician today. It went okay, but like i said in my last blog, i was down as shittery and just really didn't want to be out of the house or anything. I went though and i suppose i should give myself a pat on the back for that...

It wasn't what i would call 'helpful', we just spoke about what my intake is, she wanted to ask weight questions but i refused to answer them properly. I fucking hate weighty numbers. 'What's your lowest weight?', 'What's your current weight?', 'What is your 'perfect weight'?' blahblahblah. Stupid questions.

I could have guessed that my head was going to be a dick to me and sure enough, i was right! Everything she said was immediately twisted and distorted to make me feel as bad about myself as physically possible. I don't think she was actually saying anything wrong and it was almost like i could see it being twisted and manipulated as if to affirm that how i am feeling is the exact truth. At one point, she was asking about when i went through my 'better' patch. I mentioned that my weight did remain quite stable and stuff and she latched on to that to try to see whether i could use that as motivation to change things because if i was relatively stable then, surely i would be stable now... I just replied with, 'yes. but i was a higher weight then.' She simply said 'were you really?' And immediately the words were floating in front of my face, being stretched and underlined and insert imaginary eyebrow lifts and just generally being manipulated to within an inch of their lives. Its like a small part of my head can see it happening but the rest of me is so obsessed that its kinda...i can't explain it. I can see it happening and i can write it like this but even whilst typing my head is being all 'don't be stupid. you know that's what she meant' and so on and so forth.

Then, later in the appointment, she asked something that has kinda confused me today.

'Well, you obviously want to change and that's obvious because you're coming to see us here...'

I am confused.

Do i want to change? Yes.

Do i feel like i am in a position to make changes right now? No.

Do i need to? Hmm...

I know that the way i am existing right now is extreme in that the laxatives and stuff are mental but then the ED steps in and is like, 'well, you're obviously not thin' and then my mind begins this war with itself. Its like i can't contemplate change because the physical manifestations don't correlate with the behaviours.

I have to make a decision about my CBT and i feel pressured. Everybody knows what's going on with me at the moment and it's making me feel like by me not commiting to this therapy, i am letting people down and disappointing them. But then what do i do? Do i do the therapy even though i know i wont commit fully or do i disappoint people and try my best to explain i am not ready? I am so torn.

Between my head and my family/friends. Between my eating disorder and what little it feels like is left of 'me'.

I don't know what to do.

And of course, because i am finding this decision so hard, i am attempting to mask these feelings with my behaviours.

Ever since Friday especially, i have been struggling. Three days of bingeing and yeah...other shiz that i am not going to go in to.

I am just struggling, okay. And by admitting this to the blogosphere, maybe i will be able to admit it to somebody else...

I am scared

and struggling, okay?!

And that's okay. it is okay. I am allowed to struggle, i know i am.

I just need others to see it that way too and to try to understand that i don't think i can do this right now...

and that i am sorry.