Yesterday was just the same amount of shit as this past week has been.
I have been consuming everything you could possibly imagine and now my head is being all, 'you must be well now' and i am getting pretty fucking pissed with it.
Its scaring me too.
Its been four days since i weighed myself and i swear to god, that's the longest i have gone in months and months.
I have been crying for the past two hours and shovelling more food into my stupid body in an attempt to stop the hurting but its making me feel worse.
I am hammering the laxatives and feeling like an absolute dickhead.
eurgh
sorry.
your past couple of blogs make me feel sad; i wish i could wave a magic wand & make all this go away for you, or at least make these decisions for you.
ReplyDeletei wish you could see that you'd never be 'letting anyone down', the cbt & stuff is for you & you only- if you 100% don't feel ready to commit then that's YOUR choice, & it doesn't matter what anybody else says about it. i did the whole of my cbt for my mum & got zero gain for it. just try to be as level minded about it all as possible, i know mr ed makes these things hard, but you need to try & be objective. i mean, i know how hard you're struggling right now, but how much worse do you feel it will need to get before you feel like you're ready for change? maybe you are, but it's all just so scary. trying to change such embedded behaviours & thoughts is never going to easy, i know you know that. but i have 200% belief in you, i know you can do it- i know you're strong, you're living testiment to that.
i love you, just try to love yourself & look after YOU, whilst trying not to fuel mr ed.
<3
"your past couple of blogs make me feel sad; i wish i could wave a magic wand & make all this go away for you, or at least make these decisions for you" this.
ReplyDeletei never really know what to say because i don't understand and i won't pretend i do.
just know that no matter what you're my role model because you're so wonderful. so kind.
i love you no mattter what, i really do. if you need a chat you know where i be, or if you need to go for a drink or anything and have a break from everything (which wouldn't happen cause there's never a break) but we could try and get so drunk that you didn't remember anything.
honestly charlene i'd give both my arms, both my legs and my left ear to make you feel better because you're the most important person in my life.
it scares me too.
i love you forever always and eternity <3