Secrets.

I do this everytime. I hide, i laugh through the pain, make jokes through the tears, hide myself behind this facade of a smiley, happy freak that seems carefree. I make the conscious decision to do it, it doesn't always just happen. Sometimes i actually think, 'better start making jokes now. I don't want people to see how sad i am. Can't have me making them sad' and i let myself close in. I know deep down that every single time i do this, it will make things go further up shit creek and it will overturn my boat in the end until these people get the shock of their lives as they try to pull me out of the murky waters and save me from myself. Every fucking time.

Its like i can't help it. I can see what has happened, i can see where this could go and it all feels inevitable. Something feels like it has to happen before i can even dream of a time when i don't feel like this. I need to scare off some of these feelings or something. Its too intense. It's kinda like when you have filled up your bag with your shopping (good little metaphor here seeing as how this is all i seem to do at the minute) and you realise that as soon as you pick the bag up, the bottom is going to fall out. You need to take something out to make it more manageable...

This is how i feel. I feel like i am going to have to wait until the bottom falls out and i fall completely to pieces, smash into oblivion and take longer to fix back together or do something to alleviate the pressure. But i don't want to do anything. I just don't know how much worse i could feel. All of these feelings are smashing at the sides of my head. Every time i move it kinda hurts. I know exactly what is coming when i go to sleep at night - nightmares. And when i wake up in the morning, i lay there and i consider all of the possibilities for that day. Not who i could meet or where i could go but what extra lengths i could go to to rid myself of, well...me. What behaviours will i engage in today? What time will i take my normal pills of choice? If i have to eat, what time will be acceptable as a last resort? How can i rid myself of this stuff all over me the quickest. I sit and i work out BMIs, play with calories. I bend and stretch the possibilities. From bare minimum to absolute maximum. I stretch them until it feels like i have stretched my mind.

I try to change my train of thought. What else can i think about?

Hurting myself.

How would i do it? When would i do it? What would i do? WHY WHY WHY.

This hurts too much so i run to the shop, buy foods i have not allowed myself to eat in months, throw them down the hatch, keep on going. I spend maybe £15 on cheap, nasty ass foods that are going to end up...eurgh whatever...Then, oh god, what am i doing? Throw up? Throw the food away? Stop eating, stop. Where's the vinegar, throw it over everything. No. I can't keep this in the house, throw it away. Lay in bed. Cocoon myself in blankets, hide from myself. Hide from the possibilities. Lay there. Wait. What am i waiting for? Who am i waiting for? Surely the only person i can possibly be waiting for is myself. But i don't know where i am anymore.

I am under this mound of calories and weights and moods, depression, thoughts of hurting myself, of finishing...

Oh gosh i don't know

I just need to hold on until Tuesday, when i see this emergency psychiatrist. Just wait until Tuesday. Three days, just three more days...

Keep

Holding

On.

Oh god.