Morning or Night.

It doesn't really make much difference. I don't seem to ever sleep so the different stages of the day just blend in to eachother. When i manage to steal an hour or so, i can't even tell. I am in such a light sleep that everything...i can't even explain it. Like, you know how they say that there are different stages of sleep and you can't really dream in any stage before the fifth one. Well, i have these micro dreams and my fuck, they're horrid. I swear, yesterday, i woke up from one of these weird dream things (it had lasted for about five minutes) and had a panic attack. It was the weirdest thing ever.

I had been crying before falling to sleep and am pretty sure i fell to sleep whilst still crying (i know, i know. FML). I woke up and i just wanted to ... i can't even explain it properly. It lasted for such a long time and i swear i blacked out at one point because there is a window where i can't remember anything. I can't really remember very much from the whole thing to be honest but i never really can. Gosh it was awful.

I am proper fucking things up right now. And i want it to stop. But then idk...

oh shut up for goodness sake

- - -

Anywho, fantastic news now!

I WILL BE GOING TO SEE JOHN BISHOP!

Crikey on a stick!

I thought i had lost the reference and, me being me, i couldn't remember what site i had ordered them from. I thought that i would maybe not be able to go and i was shitting it, pal. I bought Lucie a ticket as one of her Christmas presents and obviously i am going with her. As luck would have it, the show is on my birthday. Yippee.

The worry was killing me though lol. The tickets have still not arrived but once i found out what site i ordered them from (seetickets in case you're wondering) and put in all the details and shit, my mind was put at ease.

I am so relieved.

My birthday is going to be funny as shite.

nom

random fact: Lucie fancies the pants off him.

Personally, i am more partial to a slice of the sex pie that is Michael McIntyre =]

Dieting

It seems like the world and it's brother is on a diet at the minute. I can't go five minutes without seeing some sort of new diet pill, fitness video or some sort of sale on exercise equipment. I wont lie to you, its triggering the shit out of me. I am trying to be level-headed and not let it push things further down but its really hard.

This got me thinking.

How do people 'in recovery' from eating disorders stave off the temptation that comes with this time of the year. If you're lucky enough to have managed to keep yourself relatively 'together' over Christmas, you have to be super super strong to fight off those thoughts over new year, don't you? How do you do it?

It's really scary to think that the world normalises dieting so fucking much. I mean, why do they have to assume that everyone needs to lose weight. I understand that there are shit loads of people that are classified as being 'obese'. For example, In 2008, almost a quarter of adults (24% of men and 25% of women aged 16 or over) in England were classified as obese (BMI 30kg/m2 or over), according to some recent NHS statistics. That's not a majority so why are we treat like it is?

I agree with improving self awareness and encouraging healthy eating but, in a society that normalises dieting to such a disgusting level, it makes me feel sick that so many boys and girls are being diagnosed with eating disorders. I am, in no way, saying that the media is wholly responsible for the rising numbers of eating disorders but they do play a large part. You ask any woman you know (and yes, i know boys have problems too...) and she will have been on a diet. The statistics i have seen in relation to teenagers that have tried laxatives, made themselves vomit or been on a diet are scary.

My friend has a little girl and it terrifies me that she is growing up in a society that normalises this so much.

A friend of mine pointed out the other day that dieting et al have damaged her and caused her so many more problems than alcohol and cigarettes and raised a good question as to why adverts for cigarettes are banned...

Adverts for alcohol are regulated and have to come along with a 'drink aware' logo in the corner. Same with gambling. There should at least be some sort of regulatory board...

Hmm...just something that has really got my goat this past couple of weeks. I keep wanting to cry because wherever i look, i can't get away from it and it scares me. This, coupled with my 'not wanting to be seen by anybody' syndrome i have at the minute is proving to be very distressing.

I am getting better with going out though. However, i just seem to walk around with my head down all the time. I panic and constantly think that people are talking about me, saying horrible things, being horrid in general. I seem to think that everyone hates me. I know they don't when i feel more levelled (normally at times when i am at home) but when i am out, i just can't shake the feeling.

I have started having panic attacks too. Fun times.

I need to go and get an ECG done this week but i am too scared. I went on Thursday morning, thinking it would be just like any normal hospital waiting room. i knew it would be busy and i knew it would be a while but i never expected just how busy it was going to be. I walked in through the doors and stood in the queue. I managed about a minute and i went dizzy and thought i was going to pass out. I was shaking and close to tears. My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest and i was really scared. All i can remember is the smell and the stares. It felt like everybody was thinking horrible things about me. It felt like...just horrible. And the smell was just as bad. I noticed it the minute i walked through the door. I felt like i could taste what people had had for their breakfast. It was probably a crappy smell of BO or something or just the smell that comes along when you have a room of people, breathing their disgusting hot air from their mouths and perspiring and just...eurgh. However, because i couldn't get the breakfast thought out of my head, no amount of deep breathing or sitting down was going to shake off this feeling.

I have this thing about smells at the minute. I used to have it back in the olden days when i was 'A' but these days it's even worse. I am scared that if i smell something, then i have eaten the calories. Written down its bloody stupid but when you have a thought like that in your head and you are so scared, you can't help but gayly manage to rationalise it. its stupid, i know.

So anyways, once the tunnel vision set in (thats the worst part of the panic attack for me because my eyes start darting and i get even more panicked), i decided i had to leave.

I need to get the ECG though and so...yeah...i don't know what to do. All i know is that i can't go there alone and sit in that breakfast stinking room with those sweaty ill people. I know i am 'ill' as well but my illness is not going to infect you. I am not going to fill you up with my germy badness. I just, eurgh.

I thought that by writing for a bit i would be able to forget all the anxieties and kinda sort my head out a bit but it has not worked.

I have an appointment with my nurse on Thursday and i think i am just going to tell her that i can't go. They're going to have to find a way to get me an appointment or something because i can't do it. it wouldn't be as bad if they had bloody windows or something but they have NOTHING.

Bollocks to it. I was meant to be asking Kim to take me tomorrow but i don't think i dare.

Ah well.

So the plan for this week:

Monday: Appointment with Kim (support worker)

Tuesday: Home

Wednesday: Home

Thursday: Appointment with Andrea (ED nurse)

Friday: Home in the day and then going to Stef's for the weekend. We are going to be pretty smashed all weekend so its going to be bloody amazing, not that i will remember any of it :)

I am bored out of my mind tonight. Need to get me a hobby. I am considering taking up running again but i am lazy as fuck. I wish i could do exercise just by thinking lol.

with Liv last night. Dammit i missed her!

Why...? (triggering)

I don't understand why i continue to want something so negative. I don't understand why i seem to be chasing this uncatchable thing. This bloody black cloud that seems to give me more comfort than any other thing in this world right now. It maddens me that i would much rather feel so bad that i am vomiting and screaming in pain, than sit up and deal with whatever feelings i am trying to mask with this ridiculous illness.

As soon as LK left on Sunday, i grabbed for the old faithful and i could not take them fast enough. 20, 40...and wait. In total, i took one hundred and forty tiny pills yesterday. Tiny pills that resulted in me throwing up and nearly passing out. Then, when i managed to steady myself to be able to stand up longer than a few seconds, i decided to have a quick meeting with my old faithful friend; the scale.

When is this ever a good idea? I don't think i know of a single time where this has been shown to be a good idea.

I saw a number i didn't expect but it wasn't a surprise. I knew that with the Christmas period, i had no chance of seeing anything lower but i still hope. I don't know...i just hoped :(

Thursday is my appointment at St. George's. I haven't been to the last three because i cancelled. I have a weigh-in appointment due. Eurgh. I haven't had one for ages and i promised i would agree to it last time. Fat chance. Pardon the pun.

I am proper fed up and i don't even know if i can be arsed to fight this feeling. I don't understand...

I just feel scared of everything. But, as much as the outside scares me, the biggest thing is that i am terrified of myself.

But i dont appear to be scared enough to pull my finger out of my arse. :(

The details of my Christmas

I went over to my Mum and Dad's house on Christmas Eve and practically passed out because i was so tired. I was literally in bed and asleep by half past eight.

Christmas morning came and i got on everybody's tits because i took a couple of hours to do my makeup. Haha. I started getting ready before they even got up and all i heard for the last half an hour was 'are you nearly done now, sweetheart?'. They didn't get stressy with me though so that was nice.

When we went downstairs, we were greeted by rather a large amount of presents - it was wonderful. I don't do the whole Jesus thing and don't buy in to the idea of church but my gosh i believe in presents. Materialistic? Yes. Bovvered?

Presentssssss

We spent a good 45 minutes opening presents and giving kisses and stuff.

Chantelle and I shared a moment and got a bit teary from telling eachother of our love. And this was before the drinks.

My darling sister sat in Mum and Dad's room :)

Dinner was erm...well, i don't want to dwell on that too much because christmas dinner in a house where there is someone with an eating disorder that is very much in control of them is never going to be shits and giggles. But, well...in true US style, we managed to take the piss instead of dwelling on how sad stuff was. There were a few tears over the gravy (and i am not even joking) but then that was fine. I stuck with having boiled veggies and gravy. Nothing more and nothing less. There was a massive pile on my plate and i ate it all up like a good little girl. It was so yummy.

The only point where i felt really really sad was when Mum was like 'I didn't realise how bad it had got until today'. That was not nice. But hey...que sera, sera.

Yesterday was one seriously messy messy day. I started drinking at 2 and got absolutely wrecked from one drink. I hadn't eaten much so it went straight to my head. Passionfruit Daiquiris are the work of the devil. SO YUM though.

I don't remember getting home and i have absolutely no idea how the hell we even got home.

All i know is that i was way too drunk

Today was mostly spent in Meadowhall which took mental to a whole new level. Not even joking, it was absolutely fecking rammed. I wanted to scream. But i didn't because it was fun. It started to calm down at about four and then it was okay, thank heavens.

I bought a new eyeliner and five new eyeshadows plus a little gift for a friend of mine whos in hospital. I shall have to send that soon but i don't know when i am next going to be going to a post office. Probably Wednesday.

my christmas nails

Speaking of Wednesday, LK is coming up.

O

M

F

G

Its been a lifetime since i last saw her. SEPTEMBER is about three years and twelveteen months away.

Wooop

Eurgh. I hate that food has to make me so nervous though

Last time was a bit sad and i want to do whatever i can to make it okay but, truth be told, i am scared about that.

Bloody good job i love her and that she makes up for it :)

Awhh. Bless. I am excited :D

Christmas day panics.

I am really getting panicky about tomorrow now. Today has been made all the more difficult because i have been trying to work out a plan of when and how i will get to my momma's house. I can't leave Twinkle for long and my friend wont answer me whether she can feed her for me

Eurgh.

I am getting so fucking stressed out

And don't even get me started on the food shit. I am not scared as much about the planned Christmas dinner but im terrified if i start grazing around eating all the shit.

I swear i am the only person in the universe who does not buy random shite to eat over Kissmass. Yesterday, when i went to Mozzas, there were people with two and three trolleys of shopping and me stood there with my soup and crackerbreads lol

People get right on my wick at Christmas.

In fact, no. No they don't. I really like it. Its my bloody self that i hate. .I am getting right on my tits.