Why...? (triggering)

I don't understand why i continue to want something so negative. I don't understand why i seem to be chasing this uncatchable thing. This bloody black cloud that seems to give me more comfort than any other thing in this world right now. It maddens me that i would much rather feel so bad that i am vomiting and screaming in pain, than sit up and deal with whatever feelings i am trying to mask with this ridiculous illness.

As soon as LK left on Sunday, i grabbed for the old faithful and i could not take them fast enough. 20, 40...and wait. In total, i took one hundred and forty tiny pills yesterday. Tiny pills that resulted in me throwing up and nearly passing out. Then, when i managed to steady myself to be able to stand up longer than a few seconds, i decided to have a quick meeting with my old faithful friend; the scale.

When is this ever a good idea? I don't think i know of a single time where this has been shown to be a good idea.

I saw a number i didn't expect but it wasn't a surprise. I knew that with the Christmas period, i had no chance of seeing anything lower but i still hope. I don't know...i just hoped :(

Thursday is my appointment at St. George's. I haven't been to the last three because i cancelled. I have a weigh-in appointment due. Eurgh. I haven't had one for ages and i promised i would agree to it last time. Fat chance. Pardon the pun.

I am proper fed up and i don't even know if i can be arsed to fight this feeling. I don't understand...

I just feel scared of everything. But, as much as the outside scares me, the biggest thing is that i am terrified of myself.

But i dont appear to be scared enough to pull my finger out of my arse. :(