Kind words and smiles.

Today was difficult but it didn't end up being anywhere near as disastrous as i had imagined. That's one of my problems these days. I am constantly at such an elevated level of anxiety that i tend to panic over the smallest of things. I reckon this is one of the reasons why i haven't been sleeping. My mind just can't switch off. I go from panicking about my next appointment to worrying about how much weight my last meal will have made me gain or how much liquid actually weighs and what effect that last Diet Coke is going to have on my weight. What will my BMI be tomorrow now that i ate more today. What if i can't control the stupid urges to 'binge'?! I just panic about everything, blowing it up to be something so much bigger.

This morning would have made the calmest of ED-ers panicky but i am surprised by how okay it was. I think that that was massively down to how Andrea had faxed a letter through to my doctor. I didn't read it all but saw the general jist. Basically, it said i had 'body dysmorphic issues' and that Andrea was sure my doctor would be 'extra sensitive' when it came to my stomach examination. It was ok. I thought she would have to touch my actual stomach which was the main thing worrying me. I mean, most people would be worried about someone seeing their stomach and don't get me wrong, i would have been but i know how to say 'no' and i knew that i sure as hell was not going to lift my top up for anybody. It was okay - the Dr was able to do the examination through my clothes so there was no skin-to-skin contact. Fabulous :)

I spoke to her about my sleeping and she gave me some pills (thank you, jesus!) so tonight is going to be a 'normal' night (i hope). I am not going to waste one of the pills though because i am actually struggling to keep my eyes open anyways, considering i have had about six hours sleep in two nights. She checked my BP just so she could put it on the form thing for the Cardiology department, which i have to go to to get an ECG. I spoke to her about my worries that i am having panic attacks and she said it very much does sound like them and that she will give me some beta blockers to try out but cannot prescribe those until my bloods and ECG results come back in, which is fine because i wasn't even fishing for pills or anything anyways.

When she looked on her system, she saw that there was a cancellation with the nurse so i could go and get my blood test done as soon as i had finished with her. Wicked :). I waited around for the nurse to get herself out of whatever flap she was in and then was called through to the little room. I expected it to just be the normal Urea and Electrolyte test which, if i remember correctly, is just a bottle of blood. Nice and simple. My Dr even asked what it was that my ED nurse wanted me tested for, bloodwise. I told her that normally it is just Us and Es but she sent me in for FBCs, Us +Es, LFTs, ABCs, XYZs, 123s and cod knows what else. I thought my arm would drop off or go all wiggly or something. Unfortunately it didn't. We only had to try for blood once as well because i told her right at the beginning that the only way she will get blood from me was by using the butterfly needle. Sometimes they don't listen and i get great pleasure in watching them fail multiple times but this nurse listened. She was very nice.

I am one of those freaks that actually really like getting their bloods done. I like needles. I am always really fascinated when they're taking the blood. I always watch the needle go in, watch the blood come out and everything. They don't phase me...

So, four bottles later and we were done and dusted.

The nurse did the face. You know the one where they have seen your notes and just want to say 'i care'? I love that face. I don't care how patronising it is. I like it haha. AND she said she liked my hair, which is a winner whichever way you look at it :) She goes, 'Take care of yourself and have a lovely day' to which i replied with 'awh thank you. you too'. She then felt the need to say it again but with more concern. It was weird but dead sweet. I couldn't work out why she was saying it though. I decided it was one of two things:

1) She had just read my notes and seen the recent talking between the doctors and every fucking ED doctor ever...lol. You know what i mean

2) She saw the scars on my arm and, like any 'normal' human, it made her sad...

I don't know...it was weird but kinda comforting. Props to you, nursey. You did good!

I am absolutely pooped. I was planning on blogging about the rest of my day but, not gonna lie, i can't be bothered. My eyes are burning because i am so tired.

So, if you did read this, thank you :)

And goodnight =]

Sweet, sweet dreams xxx