Hospital, Day Service, Relapse.

So, as most of you probably know through my Facebook or Twitter, this past couple of months have been an insane whirlwind. I've been in the nut hut for a month, the general ward for a few days, and then completely left, unsupported.

Before going in to hospital, i was on an Intensive Outpatient Programme which was having some effect :

• I was managing to eat more regularly
• I was leaving the house more
• I went out for a birthday meal
• My laxatives had gone down by quite a bit.

The only problem was, all of these changes were not just happening and then having no other effect, they were having a counter-effect on other areas of my life:

• Despite having more 'regular' eating, i wasn't eating what i was meant to be so it was becoming more restrictive. Bingeing was becoming more and more rare but the restricting was kind of cancelling out any of the other 'progress'
• I was leaving the house more but the main focus in my head was to ensure i was getting more exercise and blahblah.
• I went out for the birthday meal, yes. The clinic was obsessed with me managing it and i did feel proud of myself. However, they don't know any of the compensatory behaviours that happened in the days before and those following. They weren't even interested in asking whether i kept the meal down or not which, call me daft if you like, i think is a pretty important thing to find out when treating a Bulimia patient.
• Although my laxatives had reduced, i was overcompensating for this with the restricting so again, i feel like this would cancel out a lot of that progress.
• Whilst at IOP, i was struggling with my meal plan and really wasnt being very successful in that part of the programme, despite finding the groups very helpful.

- - - - -

When i was in the hospital, i realised just how horrid things actually have been and how i have been kidding myself. Things weren't THAT great at all. I think i was kind of buzzin' off of not having the bingeing such a regular part of my life and that was helping me hide everything else. It wasn't even like it was a conscious decision to hide anything or be secretive because i feel like that part of my eating disorder is behind me - a far away memory or summat. Its just that it happened. Its like i was moving up in some ways, on the outside; the ways that everyone wanted to see. And then, behind the closed doors of the bathroom or of my flat, i was not doing great at all. However, nobody could see that part for how bad it was so i was being bombarded with support and praise (which was lovely, for a change). That just helped to paint over another eating disordered crack on the outside and just...i can't explain it. It turned in to a bit of a double life.

As part of the realisation, i decided the support i have been getting has not been working like it should. It's an amazing programme, dont get me wrong, and i have seen successes come from it and yaddayadda. However, it just was not working for me. It was 3 days a week- 9:30am to 4pm. It wasnt the night times. The 7 night times of being with myself. It wasn't the 4 days of being alone with my disorder; my comfort. It wasn't in my head the whole time or there for constant support, which, of course, led me back to the old faithful ed who is 'always there'. Lol. Im kidding, it wasn't so much that. Its just that it feels easier to fall in to the arms of my eating disorder than to try and work through the other stuff on my own. That's the reality of it.

I asked for Inpatient help.

We (me, Chantelle and MG) went into a big meeting on the ward round at the hospital (when i say big, we counted 17+ people in there!) and decided to ask for IP. The answer i got? 

'IP places are mainly reserved for people of a lower BMI.'

'Normally, people are DISCHARGED from hospital at your point'

NORMALLY, PEOPLE ARE DISCHARGED AT MY STAGE?! So, taking boxes upon boxes of laxatives a day is encouraged? Being unable to eat without knowing where and when i can take my next dose is normal? Passing out is normal? Feeling so utterly hopeless and alone with my ED is okay?

Right. So that's cool

Message i got from that meeting?

Lose weight and we will help you.

That's obviously not what they said and wont be what they meant but the ED side was rubbing the metaphorical hands with glee. Yay! Lets lose weight. Everything will be better a few pounds lighter.

Bull.

Absolute bullshit

So, despite saying i feel utterly alone with my eating disorder, i have been left on a '2-3 week break from the day service' which has so far lasted about 6 weeks or something. Thats only the start.

I have had one appointment at the ED service which didn't go well. They decided to change my keyworker to a man. Ive been fucking assaulted for fuck sake. I have NEVER worked with men in a therapy situation and don't wish to start now. I don't want to hear all this crap about doing it so that i am not avoiding. Its not about avoidance. When, apart from in therapy, is that going to come in useful? Its not like i avoid being in a room with a male at any other time in my life. Its nothing like that. Im not havin' it. Plus, they never even told me that this would be a possibility.

I had another appointment booked at the ED service but, due to problems with passing out, crapping myself in public (yes, glamourous) and general anxiety around being out and about, i cancelled. That was my fault for sure.

My CPN has been SO supportive. When i was first discharged from the general and psych ward, i was referred to the Crisis Team and my CPN encouraged me to ask to see their psychiatrist so that i could ask for IP through him. I agreed and kind of felt a bit hopeful. That was a right waste of time. Wanna know the big conclusion he came to?

'It seems to me that your main problem is your eating disorder'

Well, slap my arse and call me Sally! I never even realised! Pfft. He may as well have just said 'I can see that you have a nose' for all the good it did. He then said he would report his findings back to the ED team (lol-bet they loved that).

Anyway, now SuperCPN has arranged an appointment for us both to go to with the ED service to ask again and, if they refuse, to find out a reason. Honestly, i can't even explain how lovely my CPN has been but she is pretty powerless when it comes to IP places and referrals. The best she could probably do is get me an appointment with the devil shrink that works with her. I DO NOT WANT THAT. Plus, it would be about a six month wait so it's pretty stupid.

And seriously, the Devil Shrink is one of those that makes the ever so helpful observations like, 'So, you have gained some weight since i last saw you then?'. But its rhetorical. She has these idiot eyes that just stare at your arse and hips and she is basically A SHIT BUCKET. Fuck that. I am triggering myself enough at the minute, thanks.

So, i wanna round this off now because its turnin' in to a right ol' essay!

Where am i now?

Well, i have been playing a waiting game. As i said before, SuperCPN arranged an appointment for tomorrow but that has now been cancelled. Brilliant. Not just cancelled but they also can't rearrange until the end of May. I don't have an actual date yet.

I am bingeing almost daily. Nowhere near as bad as it was at the height of my bingeing before, most of the time, but still pretty bad.

My laxatives are out of control. I can't actually stop taking them. This is having an effect on my body in so many ways. I have been passing out (even though my bloods came back okay-weird) and crapping my pants. Ive had the most insane stomach pains and all the rest.

Ive been trying to get an appointment with my GP for over two weeks. I finally got one for tomorrow. Then, on Thursday, the surgery called me to say another dr wants to see me as well. He just wants to have a look at this lump if got to see about chopping the bitch off lol. Doctors appointments, it seems, are like buses. You wait weeks for one and then two come along at the same time!

My finances are fucked. I really wasn't in any position for things to get this bad but the addition of some bingeing coupled with about £40-£50 a week on laxatives is killing me. I have no money left by the end of the week and just...well, its bad. I have borrowed so much off my Dad for bills in this past couple of months which is so difficult for me. I never borrow money like that. I hate doing it because its important for me to be seen as being independant.

Oh i dont know

everything, is fucked.

i am not falling.

i am down

and i can't fucking work out how to get back up

especially when i have no professional support

all that keeps going round in my head is

'if none of the professionals care enough to talk to me, then i sure as hell don't fucking care about myself.'

but then, at the same time, i do care. I must do. Otherwise i wouldnt want this IP thing. Otherwise i wouldn't have gone to the appointment with the idiot dim crisis team shrink. 

I am a walking contradiction at the minute.

Whatever

NAILED IT.

If you know me, you know that i am not that much of a Topshop fan. I haven't bought anything from there in years and years. I think the last time was probably about two or three years ago and i think it was a pair of jeans, which have now been donated to my wonderful sister. Anyways, i am really excited about these things. And it IS my birthday this week so if i can't treat myself now then i don't know when i can! I am not a fan of the clothes, not because i don't like the style or the fashion direction or anything like that, i just really am not a fan of wearing shit that a million and one other people will be wearing but i have an absolute weakness for their jewellery - mainly their rings. I adore them. Any ring that is massive is a winner to me but, if you don't know already, i am a turquoise and deep green freak.

I can't wait for my weekly shopping trip with my best friend this week. It is literally my weekly highlight. It is just lovely to walk around with her and her little girl and to just distract. I think that, when i am in a deep Depression like this, distraction is the key. Whether i am painting my nails (see later in this post) eating (definetly a negative one at the minute), drawing, writing, tweeting, facebooking, doing my makeup or whatever, it just helps to force my mind to do something else. I don't like to admit this though because i don't like to give all of the countless CPNs and Mental Health Workers to have the satisfaction that they were right.

with the heart tips.

Tonight, for example, i spent hours doing my nails. Literally. I started off wanting to do a bit of a valentines day mix. I saw this nail post and wanted to give them a try. I wanted to have a go at doing some roses on my nails for the first time though and they just didn't mix very well together. As you can see, they just didn't look right. I would have felt silly to leave the house with these nails and decided to save the heart tips for another day.

 My nails are not actually going to be like this for that long anyway because i am going to be buying this beautiful new nail polish when i go shopping later in the week. I am SO excited. I want to think of a way to mix it up a little but we will have to wait and see what happens there :) I spotted it in-store on a model in a picture and knew instantly that it needed to be a part of my life, immediately!

The finished rose nails :)

 I ended up redoing the nails with the tips on and the finished result looked much better. I really like them and am excited to work on the roses and make them look even better next time :)

Part of the reason for doing something a little different today is that i was looking for a cutical stick and having some serious problems with locating the one i bought the other day. I had to go in to 'the box'. Its like an endless pile of odds and ends like an old nail extension set, endless lip balms, nail files, cuticle oils, cotton buds, tape and goodness knows what else.

Well, i went in there knowing i would be digging around for ages. I didn't find a cuticle stick but i found so many other things. To be precise, i found seven nail varnishes, five lipsticks, my old favourite Body Shop lipbalm, my glass nail file and a nail art brush that i thought i had lost. not only that though, I FOUND MY 219 brush! I thought i had lost it at my Mum and Dad's house and if this would have been the case, i would have never ever seen it ever again. My sister has a dog that likes to chew anything and everything in the world so WOO for finding that! I can't wait to use it tomorrow!

- - - 

It may strike you that this is a 'weird' post because i am not talking about feelings but, as i mentioned before, distraction is the word of the day. I can't cope with anything else. I don't want to talk about my (still very very low) mood and so this is my explanation.

I want to take my blog in a different direction. I am very much about expressing myself and about not feeling any shame about my mental health problems but i also want to stress how important it is for me to reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness.

 I am no and i will never again be ashamed of my mental health problems. I just feel that its important for me to be able to discuss whatever i want to discuss on this blog. If i want to talk rubbish and chat about my latest nail art or what book i might be reading, then this is what i am going to do. Just so you know, i am going to try and mix things up a little because i am boring myself so goodness knows what it must be like for all of you.

Its a case of this is me. All parts of me. Its important for people to be able to accept all parts of all people...simple.