Proper trippin'

I haven't had anything to eat all day and have just got home. When i was in the shop, i had the desire to buy me some sexy ass pink and blue fizzy bottle things. I have literally eaten two bags of them in ten minutes. I am pretty fucking hyper if i am honest. Ah well. I will have a sugar crash in about half an hour and fuck knows what ill do then!

I had appointments this morning. Proper fucking horrid first one. Well, not HORRID but like, i don't know, it just gave me a paranoid feeling. I have this thing with my neck/chin where i have to try and hide it all the time because its all round and double and blah blah. I was doing it in my appointment with the nurse, just like i ALWAYS do and she was like 'are your glands hurting' and, to be honest, my glands hurt a lot of the time so i told her that. But then i just couldnt help thinking she was trying to tell me they had grown or soemthing, like it was more noticeable. And i am past the point of not saying shit now so i was sat there for a minute or so, completely not listening to anything she was saying and then i was just like, 'can you tell?!'. Erm. no. She couldn't. She thought i was a cock probs.
She is basically just going to be monitoring my physical health now. She asked to weigh me but i was like 'No.' and she asked why, but i just told the truth. 'I am not having you spoil the rest of my day'. Haha. Fair enough though. At the end of the day, i was going to be seeing my homies and i don't want some gayboii number being known by a team of ED people to cloud my day. its already hard enough for me to be out so yeah...I just couldn't be coping with it.
We made a compromise and i let her take my blood pressure, which was okay. Quite high at first but it came down by the third time she did it. She did my temp and that was all good :) So that's all fine and dandy :D
Now, i have to make arrangements to have some right tests. She wants me to get a blood test, a shit sample AND a fucking ECG. Brilliant.
Plus, i am now being warned of the effects of drinking so much liquid. Nice. Meh.

Ah well. I feel like things are...erm...well, they're worrying too much at the minute. My heart is fine, or at least it feels it. My blood is bionic. No fucker is going to find owt wrong with that. And my poo...well, i don't really wanna be giving a crap sample when well, its bloody gross. Plus, i don't understand how the fuck you get it in to the bloody pot. They seem to be getting thinner and thinner those bloody things!

TMI

After my appointment with her, i had an appointment for my final part of my assessment thing for CBT. That went okay. It was bloody hard though. I was struggling to put things in to words and we were talking about body image and stuff. LOADS. She mentioned BDD. I don't reckon i do have that but she was on about doing some work on it and stuff. Whatever.

I had to tell her of the things i think i could realistically change. I honestly thought she was going to be jumping in with the whole 'stop taking laxatives, eat a pie and shut yo mouf' but she didn't. I know! Shock. :P She actually said that we would probably have to strip the whole thing right back. She even wants to look at changing things surrounding like, food rituals and beliefs. Like how i wash my knife and fork and plate and how i sanitise like a wanker. Just all that shit.
A right fucking relief because i was shitting myself.

I have another appointment with her next week where we will decide what will happen and i have to decide whether i WANT to work on CBT. I don't really see myself having much choice. If things don't start changing soon then i reckon i am going to be fucked up to shit. Like...i can see things getting proper proper erm...dangerous. And i don't want that. I have things i love in life, i do. Like friends, my family, little darling Annabella...all that stuff is so important to me and i just want this stupid shit to stop clouding everything and to make it go away so that i can focus on enjoying the beautiful things that i do have around me.

I don't know why i even post these bloody things these days. Trust me, if i do your head in, i do my own in a thousand times more!

So, plans for this weekend:
Tomorrow is a home day.
Saturday, i am meeting my sister and Liv. Nervous like i always am for a night without lax and without...oh idk...too many cals in alcohol and all that shit.
Sunday will be the normal
And i am basically, yet again, going to be in the house again until this time next week when i have therapy and will be seeing Lucie afterwards.

Today was lovely.
Annabella makes me chuckle. Her and Lucie...god. I don't even know where the fuck i would be without those two.
i met my sister and my dad for a bit too.
I don't feel close enough to my dad anymore. It makes me feel really sad to be honest. Like, he is just...he doesn't do anything wrong but i am so closed off and closed in that i just can't reach out. Its sad because i know he would and will do anything to try to help. i guess that's it  though. Do i even want the help? Do i even need it?

God head. You are gay. Shut the fuck up.



- - - - -

Right, Kissmass stuff :D
I have nearly finished ALL of my Kissmass shopping! Yes! All of it.
I have like...maybe three or four more things to get and then i am done and dusted. I am so happy about this. Thank heavens that i started early.
:D
Plus, i managed to score me and Lucie a pair of tickets to see John Bishop. It isn't until my birthday (i know! faboosh) but i am so excited about that.
My sister has got a load of shit. She is going to love it
Thomas has boy crap. And i mean CRAP. Annuals and bloody...what else? Erm...oh yeah. Sims bloody games. I have done quite well for everybody this year. I am happy i started so early.

:D
I went to try and pick up a bang bang dead war dvd set thing for my Dad today. I went up to the man in HMV and was like 'do you have a war section?'. Shockingly, they dont. And he really didn't appreciate how cool it is that i am about the least...warish person in the world. I thought it was funny though. And that is all that matters :)
I am going to get my Momma that bloody daft Coronation Street DVD thing. She loves that sort of shit. Says a lot when all i have managed to get her is that (not that ive bought it yet) and a bucket-load of smelly shower stuff. That should say a lot to her. Here, stinky, have a bath and watch a dvd. Lol. She better know it isn't meant like that.
I have bought so much random shit. Like a bloody Dr Who annual and a friggin' model aeroplane. God. I am just...wow.


I am also now coming down off the sugar. I reckon ill be a granny tonight and get an early one :D


Ps. BOREDDDDDDDD