Man Flu

Okay, so i might not be hooked up to an IV or calling Intensive Care every few minutes but i do have a case of the flu. I think it is pretty accurate to describe my symptoms as resembling those of man flu. I wouldn't go as far as saying it is anywhere near as serious as most case of the man flu, which we all know is completely terminal and pretty much touch-and-go for the whole of the male species. However, i basically feel like death. My head is all floaty but heavy and bunged up at the same time, if that makes sense(?). My nose is running and blocked up at the same time, my glands in my neck are swollen as shit, my stomach feels like that of a fucking elephant but that's probably more to do with the seemingly unstoppable flow of food i have been consuming today. I am proper knackered but i can't sleep because, like most people, i quite enjoy breathing through my nose and it keeps waking me up. Plus, when i am poorly, i snore. I obviously can't snore when my nose is fucked up like this so my body is like, 'fuck this shit mate. wake the fuck up'.

As most of you will have seen by now, i have been really struggling with my sleeping in that i am barely getting any sleep whatsoever. Some nights, i don't even get to sleep at all. It is driving me mental. I went to the doctors to try to get some sleeping pills and the idiot doctor gave me four. FOUR. What the hell am i meant to do with four fucking sleeping pills? I don't understand why she only gave me that many. Like, i understand that people get addicted and stuff but i am a long-term chronic insomniac and i have not picked up any pills from the doctors since September so, i am sorry but that doesn't actually give out the message that i am a pill-head. I don't even take them every night when i do get prescribed them. Plus, i am worried that, because the idiot Dr wouldn't listen to me when i told her that i have been asked to get a bucketload of tests, it is going to somehow be seen as me not asking for them or something. One thing i do not do to my therapists is lie. I don't say i have eaten more than i have or that i weigh less or more than i do. I just don't lie to them so for them to think that i was lieing would be really upsetting for me. I am just...well, i have an appointment on Thursday and i guess that is what this blog was heading for anyway.

On Thursday, i have two appointments. I can't remember which order they are in but i THINK that the first is my CBT appointment and the second is my appointment with my nurse which has now changed into a weigh-in and health check appointment. This would be okay but i have gained and i have managed to convince myself that i can't go and i know that nobody is going to convince me otherwise. I am not prepared to go in to that appointment and i have managed to come up with two different plans:

1 - I could call up my nurse and say that i haven't been able to get the ECG, blood test and all the other tests she wanted from me. She allowed this appointment to have a bigger gap to enable me to get the test results and all that jazz. She also wanted to weigh me and i refused. I am sick and tired of being fucking weighed. I do not want to be weighed. I don't understand what the obsession is with weighing me at the minute. To look at me, i am not at a worrying weight so i do not need my weight to be monitored. Its pissing me off. I don't understand how they can't get their heads around the fact that i am ashamed of my weight.

I am ashamed of how i look, of how i am. I am fucking ashamed. Eurgh.

Okay, no, i actually have three choices.

2 - i could go in and point blank refuse again. I know that the pressure is going to be put on me but as long as i keep saying no, i should be okay. I feel like wank. I am just...meh.

3 - I like the dramatics of this option but i am pretty sure it has the potential to go tits up. It sounds fun in the planning stage but when i am putting it into action, itll probably fuck up. i will explain it anyway though. Basically, i have every intention of going to my CBT appointment. Its not going to be the start of CBT anyways. It is just going to be where she outlines what she thinks we should do and yeah...i am compliant with all of their wishes in those areas. I am open to suggestions. I may not feel able to do them yet but i am open to the suggestion of change, if you understand? So i will be going to that and everything. Then, straight after that appointment, it will be my appointment with Andrea (the nurse lady). I was thinking of coming out of CBT and literally just making a run for it.

Cons of this plan:

-Andrea could already be waiting to take me into the weigh-in room which is right where i will have to walk past.

-My next appointment with her will be uber awkward

-She will know i have been to my appointment with my CBT therapist so i wont be able to excuse my escape

-Jackie (my CBT lady) will mention that i have an appointment with Andrea afterwards so i can't say i forgot

Basically, there are loads of cons and the only pro is that i am not going to have to be weighed.

I am not being weighed.

And the anxiety is building up so badly

I haven't stopped thinking about it since Friday. I am absolutely shitting bricks.

I am thinking that plans 1 & 2 are the only ones that can be considered. There is literally not a chance that i will agree to being weighed. I just have to decide how the hell to go about it

eurgh.