Shush yo mouf. (probably triggering, lets be honest)

My head is really full. This is a blog-worthy occurrence in itself because i am really rather an empty-headed buffoon. Seriously though, my head feels like it is about to explode and leave a really bloody, blobby mess all over the walls. My stomach is flipping and i feel like i could be sick. Thoughts are swirling around in my head and i have been trying to counterattack them by throwing some cliche shit back but the cliche shit has been sucked up in the tornado that is my eating disorder and now everything is just spinning around and around. Like, you know when you have thought about an upcoming event for so long that you have blown it completely out of proportion? You can't imagine how something so small can now be so big and so capable of controlling your very now and your very future. This seemingly huge appointment can now be the one thing standing in between you and the bigger plan; between you and your future.

In short, i am scared to even leave the house this week. I had just over a week of full-on bingeing. It all started after my CPA review thing and it just wouldn't stop. I just couldn't stop throwing food into my gut and i felt completely unrestrained. I felt like, no matter what i did, i was destined to have more food and kept thinking the 'its okay because after this, i wont eat again' thing. But come on people, we all know that that is never going to work. We are never going to be able to reason with our disorders, not effectively because, in reality, it is not us that is doing the reasoning. It is impossible to reason with a disorder that is already the one doing the reasoning. Does that make sense?

Its like stealing from one negative side, so hellbent on destruction and feeding it to another side that has no other aim than to eat the feelings that you were trying to starve out in the first place.

I feel sad.

That week or week and a half has fucked me over, weight-wise. Its given me a monstrous gain, monstrous in actual numbers, not just in my head. This weekend has been okay. I have been destructive and destructive is better to me right now. Allow me to destruct. I don't find these sorts of behaviours half as distressing as the ones where i binge. Bingeing scares the crap out of me these days, especially such prolonged episodes. I genuinely felt like it would never end. I would feel sad about what was going on but i would just go back to the shop and spend another 20 quid i don't and didn't have in the first place. Electric bill? What electric bill? I would much rather have bought food than had electricity. That's fo sho.

Now i am left to clear up the aftermath and it is making me want to lock myself away from the rest of the world and just wallow. I want to wallow and repair the damage but, come on now, that's fucking stupid. This is not damage but it is. It is to me.

Its making me head feel like kabooming, see.

This week i have two appointments. I have one on Wednesday afternoon and another on Thursday morning. Plus, i have to fit in seeing my bff. I hate that i have to 'fit' that in but, right now, this  is what it feels like. I cannot leave the house for more than two days a week, no chance. Thing is, i would have been okay if i had been able to lax inbetween the Wednesday and Thursday appointments and then was to see my friend on Thursday. She can't do Thursday so i am going to be seeing her at some point on Wednesday instead. How am i going to make this manageable?

That is even assuming that i can get myself to go.

How can i reason with my ED-head and make it realise that i am allowed to go to appointments, despite this weight gain? How am i allowed the help? How am i worth the help?

How can i make myself believe that i do still have an ED when i have gained this weight?

I mean, i know i do still have one but it surely can't be that bad now, can it?

ARGHHHHH

MY HEAD IS GOING TO BOMMMMMMMB