Friday, 12 November 2010

Bittersweet moments.

Yesterday, i had two appointments; the first of which was with my my new CBT therapist. I love the initial appointments. Normally, people hate them and really don't like reciting their seemingly scripted monologues to their therapist and recieving similar nods and that all too reminding straight lipped, upward glance.


Well, i don't tend to experience this that much anymore; or maybe i just sort of play in to it and believe that that straight lipped face is actually a face of recognition, of empathy and of understanding, instead of it being possible that it is just a well practised face for the awkward silence that is to follow the bomb you just dropped.


This therapist seemed to be more interested. She wanted to pick through the who what and whys of what i was saying and she kept stopped me to make sure she was clear on things or to maybe make an observation. It was really good. I could have kept on going all day!
Alas, it had to finish and we had just one hour. She knows it is difficult for me to leave the house sometimes so we have arranged it so that i see her on a Thursday which is the day where i nearly always leave the house. It just feels safer for the moment.
Straight after the appointment with her, i had an appointment with my nurse. We went through the behaviour monitoring sheet that i had actually done (shock, horror!) and just spoke about it really. That was helpful because it did help me to realise that (contrary to my prior beliefs/denial) there are some patterns in my behaviours and in my laxative use. Like, after a binge, i will make up for it and stuff. I don't know. It seems really obvious now but seeing it in front of me sort of brought it home.
We also had some words about the amount of laxatives and how it did shock me that it is more than i actually thought it was in the first place. We had a chat about my feelings around this and made a deal that i would only take x amount of laxatives and try my hardest not to go over. Hearing the amount coming from my lips seems okay. I don't feel shocked, i just find it normal because i am the one taking these every single day and stuff. But when she said 'Can we make a deal that you only take [x] laxatives a day and no more?', i wanted to lol. It wasn't funny but it just sounded like some ridiculous made up number, plucked from the air between us. It shocked me and i deal with shock with my 'awkward smile'. I did that and she asked me why and i just told her straight that its pathetic how bad this has got in those respects.
When you're spending the same amount (maybe more) of money on laxatives, as the average smoker spends on cigarettes a day, you really can't be denying you have fucked up and been fucked up by something pretty bad.


Ah well. That was the bitter part.


The sweet bit, however...


I like myself as a person. We were sat there and the CBT therapist was asking me about the effects of my eating disorder on my life and stuff. She wanted to know everything, which is easier said than done when you are living in the disorder and everything seems really normal. I find it kinda hard to work out where i start and the eating disorder stops. She asked about my self esteem and stuff and these exact words came from my mouth; 'I don't know if i would say i had low self esteem because, as much as i loathe everything about my body and how i look and all that shit, i actually know that i am a good person. I don't think i am a horrid person, and i used to think that.'


I like those words, i do.


I then went on to describe this book thing i used to have to do when i was first diagnosed as being 'a'. I used to have to take this book away with me every week and i would (at first) have to write five things a day that i had 'achieved'. My god, i used to struggle like a bitch. It was so hard. I couldn't think of anything i was doing as it being a positive. Within a couple of weeks, Amy (my old therapist) had worked out that there was absolutely no way i was going to manage five things a day. It went down to five a week, and then eventually 3 a week. I genuinely couldn't think of anything. I used to have to write ridiculous things like 'ate dinner' or something gay like that. Or i would go back with a page-full of writing, scribbled over in biro, over and over again. You couldn't tell what it ever said but you could see that there was no way i was comfortable with seeing or sharing these things. I don't know why this was...it's really weird.
I don't know when it exactly changed but i genuinely do see myself as being a nice person. Admittedly, i do still start sentences with 'you know i am not being big-headed or GOD FORBID - i'm not saying anything nice about myself but...' and then continue with whatever it is that i want to say. It is still like i have to apologise for what i am about to say and stuff but, you know what? I'm okay with that because that's not a bad thing. That is just my way of being able to say those things at the minute, nevermind think or write them down.


And so...the sweet sweet truth is that i actually like the person i am at the minute. I like the way i am. I hate that i don't have a job and that that is totally not a possibility at the moment but i like that i can make people laugh. I like how open i am about things. I like (although i am still shocked a lot of the time) that people seem to like me.


I just like it :)
I think this is part-therapy and part-medication.


Magic medication. Maybe i have found the right dosage. Maybe it has worked and has actually lifted me high enough to grab ahold of something and pull myself the little way that i needed to be able to see the lip of this well. I can more than see the frigging top of the well, i am pretty much balancing up there. I feel stabilised. Thats good, huh?
I don't think it is just one of those one-week things either.
Is it just me or do you find that there is a difference between Depression and the Depression that comes hand in hand with an eating disorder? My eating disorder can make me suicidal, lack motivation and concentration, isolate myself and shiz and it often does on a daily basis but i honestly only feel that around the eating disorder things. It is always there but then also, i can stand and say 'okay. I am a nice, good person and i do deserve my friends' and that is really a big sort of thing for me to say. I didn't use to think i deserve anything. And that's when i was hurting myself all the time. Trying to kill everything deformed on the outside, just because what was on the inside was so untouchable.


Oh. I don't even know...i am just rambling.


Basically, i am feeling stable and i like the person i am.


Sorry to say...;)

1 comment: