Revelations.

I have only gone and come to a realisation!

During one of my many deep-thinking sessions in the shower, i realised that i have been realising things recently. Bare with me on this one.

Right, so you know how a lot of us are guilty of blaming our past and our parents, upbringing and all that jazz on how we are today? Well, i am guilty of that. I have blamed my Mum and Dad for a long time because my childhood was very far from normal, my Mum and Dad have been ill for a long time and blah blah. I feel like i was never bound to go to uni or to have any sort of life that i would consider to be valuable.

I don't want this to be my way of thinking anymore. Just reading that back makes me think, 'god. what a twat'. I mean, since when do we all have to be by-products of our surroundings. Have i been using my past, my family, illness, education and everything as some sort of excuse as to why i am so fucking fucked up? In short, yes. Yes, i have.

I mean, when you do have illnesses like the ones i have, it'd be bizarre if they didn't have some sort of effect on your wellbeing and motivation and all that jazz but it isn't right to blame the illnesses completely. I mean, when i was doing my A levels, i was fucked up. And i mean, i wasn't as bad as i am now, i don't think, but i was fucked. I managed to do the AS levels and i passed but it was nothing to write home about. I cried when i got the results because those badboiis weren't going to take me very far in life. The thing is, i genuinely did try. Well, not in Psychology but that was a mistake. I wish i had never done that course because i hated it with an absolute passion. However, in my English Language, i genuinely did L-O-V-E it. It was one of those lessons i used to look forward to going to because i was really interested in finding out how we learn language and in analysing different writing styles and stuff. I used to love it and it used to give me such a sense of pride and i just enjoyed it so much. I used to get good grades in my coursework and it was obvious i really did try.

I was going through a very low mood part but i would say my ED was starting to become a bit more manageable. I only say this because i remember having a few 'meals' in the Refectory at college; something which i wouldn't even entertain the thought of doing before and something i couldn't ever imagine doing right now. I remember i used to have some little 'treats' and i would eat them in front of people and everything. I vividly remember the time when i was addicted to Snickers chocolate bars. I used to love them so much and would get them at break times. That would be the drill. Diet Coke, Snickers bar and a cigarette, or ten.

At the start of my A2s, i was starting to get bad again. It was more in my mood, i spose. I don't know, im finding it hard to remember the old ED stuff at the minute because it seems so small and insignificant compared to what is going on for me at the minute. Everything is just so sad and low, i have never been this low and deep in my ED (head-wise), Hmm. Maybe i have but when we are IN the moment, we can't remember being inside any other rut or experiencing other pains because the pains we feel now are too great. Hmm.

Anywho, i dropped out of college and, since then, all i have done is a counselling course and sign language. The sign language was a proper mega struggle. My first year took two years to complete because i was too messed up but i didn't give up. I am proud of that actually. I am, however, really pissed off because of how it ended. I failed one module and that means i failed the whole year. I couldn't face going back to do another year when my body crap is so bad so i had to pack it in. Who knows, maybe i will go back next year. i am not sure.

However, i have decided that i think i am going to go back to college for some 'proper' stuff. I can't be pissing about not doing anything with my life or i may as well just kill myself now. There's not much point in just surviving, i really want to LIVE. I am sad all the time. I think a lot of that has to do with the situation i am in. I am in a rut at the minute and i really really want to get out of it and just...feel like there is actually a point in me being here because, being honest with you, i am feeling like if this is how i am then there is not much point in me even living. Shit. I don't mean it like that. I just mean that this is no way to live and i don't want to look back in another ten years and think, 'gosh. When i was 21, it was not 'too late' but now it is' and i don't want to live the rest of my life like that. Its just not really a very nice way to exist, is it?!

So, i need to make plans but i literally have no idea how anything works.

I would LOVE to be able to go to uni and, although i am still very much in a 'yeah right. don't be such a dick' place, i am honestly trying to change it to a 'why not?' sort of mindset. Its difficult though because i honestly am really FML in an ed place but, from a mood standpoint, i am in an okay point. I think that if i was to subtract the eating disorder from my life right now, i would be okay, as long as i kept taking my meds and stuff. Hmm...

So yes, these are my thoughts on the whole 'life' thing at the minute. I keep thinking about it all the time. I don't know why but i am really reflective at the moment.

I am going to do me some research and try my very hardest to make some concrete plans and to know what the hell i am doing. Because like, at school, when people were planning their uni choices and stuff, i was busy with my head down the toilet or standing on some scales somewhere, i don't know very much about like...UCAS or any of that shit.

Right, i'll level with you:

I have ZERO clue when it comes to applying to unis

I don't know anything about credits and all that stuff

I don't understand even what i want to do. I am pretty sure i would like to do an access course to social work but then i don't know how that works? What is an access course? How would it help me? All that shit.

I've been to Connexions and places like that before but i struggle because i feel so ashamed about this situation i am in and that i have never had a proper job and everything.

Seriously, if they were to write a 'university for dummies' book, i even think that that would be too advanced haha

I guess i just need to hold on to hope that things can and will change because, without hope, there aint naffin else lol. I also need to stop waiting for change to find me and get off my arse and go and fucking look for it myself.

I want a purpose. I just want, like i said, something to live for; to feel like, if i was to suddenly disappear, i would be missed and my absence would be felt.

i also need my cat to fuck off and leave me alone. But that's another story for another day :)