Convincing myself that there isn't really a problem.

I gain weight, i leave the house, i meet people for a drink or have someone over for the night when i 'should' be taking lax or doing my upmost to lose weight and i am recovered. I keep thinking it all the time. 'Well, things can't be that bad if i can function like a normal person'. But i can't function like that at all. Let's take last night for an example.

Liv came over to mine and we had a nice time but fucking food clouds my judgement of everything. I don't know how much alcohol i can handle or how much food i should at or whether i can or...i just don't know that much to be honest. All i know is that having someting in your stomach to soak up alcohol is never a bad thing. And so, when i was already really rather intoxicated, i decided to have something to eat. After a drink, i often get to the stage where i could easily eat a house and so, to have something a little bit before this stage is normally a safe bet.
So, i cooked my soup, weighed it out, calculated the calories. Weighed out 15g of Philladephia and grabbed a serving (5) of water biscuits. That's naff all for me. Not normally even an issue. Oh noooo. This time it was a fucking joke. I sat down and Liv was there, all nice and comfy and we were just like two normos having a drink, being friends and watching Outnumbered. In comes me with the food and i can't stop fidgeting, playing with the fucking spoon. Pushing the dish away, pulling it back, stirring the soup, eating a cracker. Throw a cracker away. Have another half. Have five spoons of soup and boom. I can't do it. I panicked, flushed the soup and threw the rest of the cracker things away.

Fucking joker.

I honestly don't even have the slightest problemo with shit like that normally but bloodyhell, these days i struggle to eat in front of my closest friends.
If something touches my lip, i have to scrub it with my cardigan. If i touch food, i have to sanitise (apparently, in my head this will KILL the calories lol) and if i even touch something and think that somebody else has eaten something beforehand, i flip out and can't stop sanitising. Then, as soon as i find a toilet, i will wash my hands. 'Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeeeee. happy birthday to me'. Yep. That should be long enough. No? Okay. So i sing the song five times. A different set of movements each time. I turn off the tap, head for the door, open it. Oh my! Someone else will have touched that handle after using the toilet. That's when the sanitiser comes in to play.
My word it is a proper joke

I am starting to get mega sick and tired of all of my 'me' time is not actually me. It is more another chance for 'me' to torture myself with these bloody irrational, disordered behaviours and to panic over frigging calories.
Its proper ridiculous.

Erm.

I just realised i don't actually have any sort of direction with this post. Good times.

- - -

This morning, i woke up early and was hangin' like a bitch. I whacked Princess & The Frog on and watched that three times, then put The Proposal on and watched that but not for that long. I fell back to sleep and woke up at like...i think it was about eleven o'clock. Got up, got ready and then walked to Hillsborough with Liv. We went to Mozzas and then met my sister, put Liv on the tram and then me and Chantelle went to the pub.
Purple Rain pitchers from Wetherspoons are where it is at.
Its like Parma Violets and soda. FIZZY PARMA VIOLETS. IN THE DRINK FORM.
Nom? Yes. So very nom.
We had one of those, Chantelle had a meal and then we both had a Corona.
I came back and ate too much, felt too guilty and now it is nearly 10pm and i am in bed.

so hardcore.

YuHad2bder