This time, last year

Im quite in to reminiscing and holding on to dates, comparing then to now and this to that. I wouldn't normally post a blog about it though. This is a bit different to the post-holiday reminiscing where you think. 'this time last week, i was in universal studios baking to death'.

On this day last year, i was discharged from eating disorder treatment. I was discharged with no experience of overnight home leave and thinking 'WHEN CAN I LOSE WEIGHT?'

I downloaded an app a while back which, truth be told, can be a bit annoying but when i got the notification last night, it really made me muse over the past year and really give myself a metaphorical high-five for how far i have come.

This year could have gone a little better but it could have gone a whole lot worse too. Ive been out of treatment for two months now and am managing to keep things above water. Some things are harder than others, i wont lie, but the things that are better far overshadow the shitty bits.

Im now three months laxative free. THREE MONTHS. In three months, with my rough calculations, before i went in to hospital, id have taken 8,400 laxatives. Let me just let that sink in for a minute. Wow. I don't think i need to even comment on that right now. Thats just...well, wow.

Im struggling with self harm but managing to keep myself out of danger and am sticking to my meds every day which is something i haven't done in a long time. I never used to take them because i couldn't see the point in anything. This time, it feels like they're helping and i am being listened to and ... i don't know. i guess its what comes from a change in psychiatrist and a willingness to make things WORK.

When it comes to leaving the house, things arent as good as they could be but i am trying. Ive applied for a couple of voluntary jobs and am waiting to hear back from those and i am making a real effort to say YES when people ask me to do something.

This past week, my mum has been critically ill in Intensive Care and, if this was the me from last year, that would have been the perfect excuse to ditch it all and go hurtling downwards, in to that old, familiar rabbit hole where everything is backwards and my life revolves around purging and restricting and using my eating disorder to numb down my feelings. Admittedly, this past week has not been the best and i have had a few stumbles but i haven't fallen completely and you know what?

Im fucking proud of this past year

I think i might finally be starting to pull my shit together