Relief

Today, i had my first appointment with the new shrink at the eating disorder service and i'm not over-exaggerating when i say that i was a mess. I was having nightmares all night and it took three Diazepam to get me out of the door.

When i got there, i was remembering just how awful the last psychiatrist was and how many really horrible experiences i have had with her. Thankfully she is now on maternity leave. Thats where the new lady comes in.

I went in and she was one of those people thats a bit too happy for words. I get put about by people that are that happy. Its not normal. But all judgement aside i just went in and told the truth. It took most of the appointment to build up to opening up about how unstable my moods are to her and i was expecting to get another door slammed in my face and to leave feeling demoralised and completely unheard.

Much to my surprise, she listened, asked the appropriate questions and then gave me a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder - something i've known i've had for years.

A few people have asked how i feel about it, maybe expecting for me to break down and cry, leaving others to clean up the aftermath. But i'm relieved. Ive waited so long for somebody to hear what im saying and to recognise that this is not just Depression and that something else is going on.

So many people look at getting psychiatric diagnoses as being similar to being diagnosed with cancer or something. But its different. Mental health is almost always treatable and getting a diagnosis can sometimes open doors rather than leave you rocking in a corner wondering which way to turn. Thats how it feels to me anyway. I know that some people struggle with it and part of me can relate to the fear of being put in a box and pigeon-holed. This is different though.

I just feel so relieved. I have a name for what is going on. I am not 'just depressed'. Theres a reason the billion SSRIs i have taken over the years have not worked.

As well as changing my medication to include mood stabilisers, she discussed how crippling the anxiety has been for me and has said that once i have adjusted to the medication, if anxiety is still a problem, we can talk about Beta Blockers which i have been on before but was taken off when i was ill because of the effect on my heart and so on.

Heres to being listened to and my new shrink being the bees knees!