Freedom

This past week has been a strange one. I was discharged from Inpatient care on Tuesday and it feels like it was about a million years ago. I cant believe it has been less than a week.

I wont lie, things are bloody hard on the outside - especially when you have spent the last 12 weeks of your life surrounded by people and, when you havent been, you have had 24 hour around the clock support. Its a bit of a shock to the system, i wont lie.

However, considering how much of a big change it has been, i have not been doing too badly. There have been a few wobbles but eating disorder-wise, ive actually been doing better than i have done in a long time. And NO LAXATIVES. I am not even going to say 'yet' because i honestly am not even planning on touching them.

When you consider that a few months ago, in just five days, i would have taken 600 laxatives, im pretty proud that i have taken none.

The only thing that is worrying me at the moment is that my mental health is teetering right on the edge. Im dissociating constantly and it scares me. The other day, i made phone calls to my team (none of whom were at work, apparently) and then had a barrage of returned calls. I was so confused because the only record i have of making any contact with anybody is in my call history.

This scares me because, when im dissociating, thats when shit can go really badly wrong. I keep having panic attacks over the most ridiculous things. Like, for example, i went to the supermarket with Dad the other day and the fact that he was buying 24 packs of bloody sweets sent me in to a raging panic attack. I don't have the slightest bit of understanding why because i would never normally react like that.

In the past, when ive been dissociating to this level, ive ended up in some really dangerous situations with no memory of how i got there.

It kinda scares me...not gonna lie

All in all though, ED-wise, i reckon this week has gone as well as it could. Its not been a perfect 100% but ive never been one for getting top marks at positivity and could always do that much better.

Plan for this week:

• attend every appointment without fail
• open up to the people i have around me if i am struggling
• get out of the pissing house and stop ruminating
• get hold of some bastard wool to finish my blanket (random!)
• keep on keeping on.