Hindsight

When i take time to look back at this past year, i think id be forgiven for being kind of sad about it. This time last year, i was determined to make recovery work and was in an inpatient unit for my eating disorder. This year, im in the same position but my words have something behind them. Im not one for bigging up recovery and starting with the whole ninja spiel but i am one for trying to be truthful with myself and, when looking back at last year and where i was, i can't help but want to give myself a hug. I wish i could have been prepared for the fall and for the disaster that followed but what is it that they say? 'Hindsight is a wonderful thing'

Well, thats wrong. Hindsight sucks.

I would do absolutely anything to turn back the clocks even to six months ago and to stop myself from hurtling downhill. Id do anything to go back to a year ago and tell myself that recovery is going to take some fucking hard work and to pull up my socks and get on with finding it rather than waiting for it to find me.

I am sick of making excuses for my disorder and for what it turns me in to. When i strip it all back and peel off the layer of bullshit from the top, it comes down to me making false promises and getting my hopes up and waiting for some big revelation that will mean i don't want to lose weight anymore. Fuck that. I need to be realistic about this this time and accept that, yes, i do want to lose weight and yes, restricting makes me calmer but it does fuck all good for my life. There is not one positive thing that hasn't been somehow tainted by my eating disorder in recent years and i am not prepared to let that continue.

Lerring my friends and family go through this, helpless in their positions and devastated with worry, is one of my biggest mistakes. Losing my girlfriend because i couldn't just TRY is definitely my biggest regret and i don't think i will ever be able to forgive myself for what i did to that relationship and how much pain i caused.

I am now in a completely different mindset to last year though, which is good. I haven't gone all 'recovery ninja' or anything like that and would rather eat a crusty toenail than turn in to that kind of person.

When i look back to where i was last year when i was about to be discharged, i just remember how not ready i felt. I wanted to stay in the cocoon of the hospital because, if i'm honest, i knew something was going to give and it was going to be my recovery. I was unhappy with where i was living and HATED going on leave back to my flat. This time however, i have Bambi and i have my bungalow where, despite how tits up this past few months have gone, i am happy. It feels like a home which was never the case with where i lived before and i love that. I love the feeling of actually wanting to be in my home environment and more or less demanding to have more and more leave.

I feel ready to leave this unit now. I feel like i've milked it for all it is worth and like the only way i'm going to actually know how to make this work is to live it and to find ways to fill in the chasm that my eating disorder will leave behind.

Im not saying i am happy with my body because that is far from the truth and 99% of my thoughts right now are surrounding the need to lose weight but the difference is that i am trying my hardest to resist these thoughts as much as i can...

I guess all i can do is jump in first and just keep trying, no matter what...