I was tidying up earlier (trying to find that darn GHD hologram sticker - and failing) when i found a couple of memory cards. They're from a strange time in my life but it was really nice to look through some old memories and to see how much i have changed, in a aesthetic sense. Like my hair. OH MY GOSH, my hair. I have been every flipping colour under the sun. And every different style. Goodness me! It was fun to look through them actually and it was also strange to compare then to now.
I say that it was a 'weird' time because, in the ED sense, i consider myself to have been quite 'well'. I still struggled and, for some reason, it was really hard to admit that things were ever going well so i was kind of 'doing better' in secret, just like before. It was quite strange. I would just avoid talking about it at all because admitting that most days i would eat like a normal person was quite hard for me to do and i could never really get past the shame that came with that. I don't know if that is just something i found. I guess i just didn't feel any sort of pride in my recovery, which i find really bizarre now because all i think i could possibly feel if i was recovered/in recovery, would be pride...
Anyway, as i said, i consider that time in my life to be 'weird'. ED-wise, i was a good bean :). There were times when i would slip up and have a few days of vom'-ing but i would always bounce back from it. I miss this time. However, in my mood, i was bloody terrible. I ended up being hospitalised and threatened with section and an arrest at one point, as well as being found by the police in really bad ways (the last time was the day before being admitted to the ward)...it was a really sad time. I haven't thought about it for ages and i guess going through these pictures brought back some stuff. It has not triggered me but it has made me feel really sad for that person in the pictures. There are some really silly pictures on there. Silly in the good sense, where i am messing around with old friends and playing around with the old favourites - nails and makeup. And then, there are some scattered throughout that are, well, i can't lie, they're body shots. It kinda left me a bit confused. You can use these pictures as a bit of a reference guide as to how things were then. Although i was eating and doing okay in that sense, i was still very much looking to be able to accept my body and using these stupid pictures as some sort of comfort blanket. A comparison kind of thing...i don't know what my thinking behind them was at the time but they are there.
The one GREAT thing i saw in the pictures was a nail art thing. It's shite. I remember doing them. They're just red with a red glitter polish on top (I HATE GLITTER NAIL VARNISH. TAKING IT OFF MAKES ME WANT TO CUT OFF MY FINGERS!). At first, i was drawn to the sparkle but then i noticed something. I noticed the scars on my hand. I smiled.
Bare with me.
I smiled because i never thought they would fade. I remember doing them. I remember doing them in the hospital and, once i was a bit more 'together', thinking that i would never be able to even show my hands, let alone anything else. And yet, looking at the pictures has made me feel really relieved. I feel happy. I hate that i did what i did to myself but, you know what? I can think of worse things than having a few scars on my body. I am actually kind of getting to the stage where scars don't make me feel shame. However, looking at those pictures, i could remember that shame. Just a distant memory but a memory nonetheless. I just smiled because of how different things are now.
Back then, self harm was a part of daily life, when things were really really bad. It was fucking horrible. I was in and out of hospital, discharged and re-referred to the Crisis Team (i am not even going to speak about them wankbags) and seeing psychiatrists more times than i saw the frigging postman! I just, i am SO glad i am not there anymore.
I was drinking more or less every night. I was just putting myself in to some real danger. Going out and waking up in a heap at the bottom of the stairs and worse...i don't wanna go in to some things but yeah, it was a horrid time.
I like that i can compare these things because, as bad as things are now, it kind of shows that there is a 'better'. Not a 'wow. nothing is wrong with me' because obviously that's not where i am at and i recognise that, as my mood has levelled, my eating disorder has come back with a vengeance but it's okay...
I don't know what i am saying. I am not saying i am going to be well this time next year and i am not saying i am 'ill enough' (stfu brain) but i am saying that it is nice to see some real evidence of change.
EVEN TWINKLE HAS GROWN haha
I was going to post the scar picture comparison thing but i feel like that could be taken the wrong way so i wont. I wasn't going to post it as an OMG moment, just as a wow. Things can change just as much on the outside in that amount of time, or something!
Anyways, take a look at a few random pictures.
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| When i saw this one, i didn't half LOL. Imagine me even considering wearing this now! I look a hot mess anyway! |
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| Totally have a Spice Girls t-shirt on in this :) |
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| Absolutely smashed out of my head. If i remember rightly, this was possibly the night i pierced my own lip... |
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| The cardigan is too small, the makeup looks like drag and, well...i was confident. I really kind of was. Sort of. |
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| this picture makes me wanna vommmmmmmmmmm' |
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| Lol. My pose face makes me laugh out loud. Glad i don't have that beast anymore, do i?! |
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| This picture will always make me laugh. We cut my friends hair and there was that much of it that i decided it would look really nice rolled up in a ball and it would be hil-hairy-arse to pretend it was pubes. SO mature. |
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| The look in my eyes in this picture makes me feel really sad. I like the hair though. NEVER AGAIN WILL I GO FULLY BLONDE. NOOOOO. But yeah...my face should have one of them bebo scribble things on because it's horrible. |
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| Just after i moved in to my new place. I think this was just as the ED was setting back in, probably. There aren't dates on the pictures so i am going by memory... |
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| Playing around with makeup and failing, dreadfully! |
Also, check out tonight's nails and the little presents Mum and Dad brought back for me, from Bulgaria!
First of all, my nails -
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| I wanted to feature Marie from the Aristocats so there we go :D |
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| The gorgeous new ring M+D bought me. Real Turquoise too. Oooh la la |
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| And a My Little Pony towel. |
Not kidding - i am the easiest person to buy for, on earth EVER!
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| And i just thought i would finish off with this i made on http://makeagif.com/ the other day. Its just two pictures of me and my sister, whacked together in to a GIF. I like it, it's cool :D |
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