Eating Disorders are just SO glamourous.

This past week has been absolutely horrible. It has consisted of the same behaviours being repeated over and over again.

On Thursday morning, i got up after slipping in to some sort of insomnia induced daze and everything came to a head.

I had a shower and cried like a beast all the way through.

I tried to get dressed and ended up in a crumpled mess on the floor, smacking at my legs, pulling at my stomach, just punching myself and wailing. Actually wailing.

It was such a depressing one of those Hollywood Moments where you end up feeling like the biggest cliche ever to walk the earth.

I was having panic attacks about leaving the house to go to my CBT appointment and, because i made a deal not to just cancel, i decided to call my therapist. I got through to St George's and was told that she wasn't going to be in that day. erm. WHAT? She was meant to have a session with me at 11 o-freakin'-clock! Nice of them to inform me that she was ill and that my session was cancelled. It pushed me straight over the edge and i collapsed on my bed crying. I just kept frantically trying to call people in my team to talk to them, to get some support for just how terrible my week has been and for...yeah...

I either couldn't speak to the person because they weren't in, or they weren't answering.

I finally managed to get through to St George's again and left a message, through crazy sobbing, asking for my nurse to call me. She was in a meeting so the lovely receptionist said she would pass the message on. Andrea called me and i did manage to calm down.

I forced myself to get out to meet Lucie and Annabella and i cried randomly whilst walking around Meadowhall. Catching sight of myself in mirrors made me tear up, need to escape...just, wow.

This weekend, i have been planning my ... well, you know how it goes. Can't be bothered to go in to it.

and this is hardly the place...

I spoke to a friend who was coming up to Sheffield. She lives down South and only ever gets to come up here every so often. I have not seen her for about a year and really did want to meet with her.

I just couldn't leave the house. I couldn't do it.

I could't even get out of my PJs today. Everything was too intense.

Things are scaring me.

I can't stop bingeing and purging and the like.

And it's affecting me and pushing me in to the same old patterns.

I hate this.

I can cope with the other things more than i can cope with this damn eating disorder ruining friendships and cancelling important plans.

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Wow. Depression central!

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I shall finish this with a tale of my absolute idiot ways!

I was putting a load of towels on to wash this evening and, when i put the box of powder back underneath the sink, i must have knocked the hot water stopcock and turned it to the 'on' position. I didn't realise until fifteen minutes later when i had to almost swim in to the kitchen! I didn't know what to do. I went underneath the sink and saw what the problem was so obviously turned the stopcock off. Luckily, i have a box that organises all my cleaning crap underneath the sink. That had filled with water and i am pretty sure that, if it had not been there, i would have been in rather deep trouble. Literally!

I was laughing like a bitch, which i tend to do in all situations that do not require laughter as an automatic reaction. 'My foots fallen off' I laugh. 'I think i might have fleas' I laugh. 'My great auntie's uncle's brother's sister's fish is dead' I laugh. I am awkward. Simple.

So i pulled out the big box of washing powder (which was literally FULL. I only opened it this morning and it was a 2KG box!) so that i could sort out underneath the sink. I didn't think it through and realise that the box was absolutely soaked so, as quickly as i picked it up, the bottom fell out and 2KG of washing powder emptied all over the floor. Genius. It was like there had been a bomb in a cocaine factory or something. A very nice smelling cocaine, if i do say so myself (not that i even have a clue whether cocaine even smells...)

I spent the next 45 minutes scooping up the mess with a dustpan and window squidger.

I couldn't find my other welly so ended up paying homage to Helena Bonham Carter and whacking a cowboy boot on as an odd shoe option! Might be on to a new thing there, don't you think?! haha

Midway through the clean up, i was asked by my friend to take some pictures

I don't even think she believed it was this bad.

It took my SUCH a long time to do. 

And the best bit.

I HAD JUST PUT ALL THE TOWELS IN TO THE WASHING MACHINE

fml

lols a million

i ended up giving up because i am just so tired and blahh right now. I have been moving my furniture around and cleaning and organising all day long. I decided to leave the rest of it until tomorrow. :)

How are you all doing?