Sunday Morning, Rain Is Falling

So, i need to get an appointment with my GP to get a form so that i can go and get an ECG at the hospital. They have been wanting me to get one for ages and i did go with the intention of going through with it but had a mammoth panic attack and bolted. The only reason i was sent for the ECG is because of the lax abuse but they also have decided that, because of how the panic attacks are, i can go on beta-blockers, but only as long as my ECG is clear. My ED nurse has been trying to get me to go back over there but i am just too scared so she has offered to go with her. I have agreed to this. She spoke to the consultant at the ED place and she has prescribed me some Diazepam to take before i go. To summarise - i need Diazepam to get me to a point where i am able to sit in a room with people and have an ECG to determine whether it is safe enough for me to have beta-blockers to enable me to be able to sit with people and generally function at some sort of 'normal' level. Following?

Exactly.

CBT starts on Thursday and i am having constant flutters and negative thoughts surrounding that. One of the main ones being the very real threat of a weigh-in. I just...i can't be bothered to even try to stop my thoughts from whizzing around in my head and try to untangle them in to some sort of sense on here...Basically, i am recognising a lot of thoughts that i haven't experienced in quite a long while have returned and it's making me feel really uneasy.

I am still going to the appointment. I will go. I will go. I will go.

I am not allowing the possibility of cancelling to enter my mind. It is not a possibility. I have to go.

I have to admit, some things that people have been saying have kind of started sinking in with my recent physical symptoms showing that this disorder IS having an effect on me now and that i am not immune.

I think i may be starting to realise that...i think you know what i'm saying.

I can't quite say it out loud or type it. I can't admit it to others directly but i am sure you get me...?

If not, soz pal.