The Littlest Things

This week has been very much like the last few months. I am out on Tuesday and Thursday and in on the other days.

I went out to meet my friend on Tuesday. I had an appointment with my nurse on Tuesday morning but i cancelled. Nobody 'professional' is allowed to see me at the state i'm at. Nobody. It takes my absolutely everything just to leave the house to see my friend, so anything else is a bonus.

I honestly believe that the only thing that makes seeing my friend 'bearable' is her little girl. She's 21 months old and she is one of the things i literally live for. She is absolutely amazing. When i am with them, she acts as a bit of a coping strategy if you will. Like, if i look down and see the size of my thighs and become sad/upset/triggered etc then i just play with her. I play games, run around, make her giggle, do everything with her. She can walk and is just starting to talk so its dead fun and i keep getting her to repeat things. I have lost count of the number of times i have got her to say 'sky' and 'bird' and 'cute' in the past couple of days lol. She is an absolute...wow!

It's weird to think that my eating disorder has been 'back' for nearly the same amount of time that she has been alive. Gosh that is crazy to even think about. It seems like the shortest space of time and then the longest too. Its so strange.

Anywho, i can't be bothered to talk about food food weight weight depresso blah blah blah today.

The important thing about Annabella is that she is a focus for me. She is one of the things i can put on my 'reasons for carrying on' list. I feel this intense need to protection her from everything negative in the world. Sometimes, i find myself telling her things i wish people would tell me. I tell her she's perfect, i tell her she is beautiful and that i love her more than anything. I get kisses from her (when she doesn't play the 'let me bite off your nose' game). I honestly don't smile more than when i am with her. And they are real smiles. It is real love. You can see the bond that i have with her just by looking at us and i can see it too. I find it hard to admit that others love me but i can admit it with her. I see the way she looks at me, looks for me and looks up TO me. I love her so much. She honestly is just so perfect

The point of telling you all of this all goes back to Tuesday.

I saw them both and we had our normal blast! I played and laughed and we fed her. We had fun and i just...let go for a bit. I mean, obviously the ED stuff is always there...me not being able to touch her food or finger feed her or anything and having to sanitise if i do touch food but its still fun. It doesn't overshadow everything because the level of love i feel for her outweighs anything i could possibly think. I don't have many times i feel like this. I think it is the pure innocence. I am, without a doubt, certain that the love she feels for me is genuine. It is not forced or a load of shit. It is not a facade, it's bloody real and its fecking beautiful.

After seeing them on Tuesday, my BFF text me and told me that she had been trying to get Annabella to say my name ('Cha Cha') and SHE SAID IT! I was at the till of Morissons and i can't even explain the smile i got. My stomach was fluttering and i had tears in my eyes. Even writing about it now, it has gone in to my 'feel good memory bank' along with the moment i saw her take her first steps.

Love her.