Depresso.com

My friend sometimes asks me how things could possibly get worse within my disorder. She worries about me. The other day she told me she had been reading an article in some magazine a couple of weeks ago and had been terrified to talk to me about it. She is always worrying that she will upset me. I on't want this to be the elephant in the room though, and she does know that. She knows how open i am about things but she also knows that i often get all teared up and stuff - she just finds that really upsetting... Anyways, she told me the other day that this article was about a girl who's best friend was a laxative abuser. She was taking like 200 (i can't remember) laxatives a week and she just dropped dead. Like, literally just had major heart failure and yeah...she lost her life. I was kinda thumped in the face by this. I didn't expect it. I know she is really scared for me and, truth be told, i would be exactly the same if i was in her situation, watching my friend mentally waste away before my eyes. I don't know...it must be hard...

Anyways, things ended up getting a bit heated. Not in an argument sort of way but but just...i got my stupid gay smile which i get whenever there is some sort of uncomfortable feeling that i need to mask in some way or another. It always happens and it annoys the shit out of me. I can't help it though. Anyways, i started getting annoyed. No. I didnt. My ED was seething. You know when you are so worked up that you kinda think out loud with your poisonous tongue and you see the words hurtling through the air in front of you but they kinda slow down at the same time? Like that scene in The Matrix (i've only ever seen that one scene lol). I kind of want to press rewind and grab all the words back and shove them back in to my mouth but it is always too late. Anyways, i said that i was going to be okay and that i was different. 'Its different because i am bigger. I bet that girl was tiny' and OMG this went down like a fucking lead balloon.

Anyways, i saw her face and i swear to god, the hurt in that girl's little face broke my heart. I love her so much and i hate that i am doing this. I am doing this to my friends, to my sister...this is happening to everybody around me. Its true what they say about Eating Disorders. They really aren't just about the patient, they suck the life out of everybody that comes in to contact with this person's heart. Everybody that holds a piece of the person dear to them gets punched in the face and then feels the need to hide it because, god forbid they should show that its hurting them too.

I can't even remember what i wanted to write this blog about. That all was unplanned and just kinda fell out of my fingertips.

Tonight has been a big far sack of wank. I have been in bed most of the day. Been effing my ell again. I might just change it and tell you when i am NOT FML. Yes. That might be a better idea...eurgh.

I started the day with one of my 'never eating again' plans and ended with eating. Good one batman. Then, i ended up channel hopping and catching a minute of a piece of shit triggering programme. Eurgh. I can't even use it as an excuse but yeah...ended up doing idiot things. 'Behaviours' if you will. I wont go in to it but yeah...yet again i seem to have been beaten. I honestly don't seem to fight the shit anyways these days.

God, i feel lonely tonight. It is just me and my behaviours. Nice.

Fuckinghell.

I want a coffee...