Loveliness

My darling little sister came over on Friday night and we got to spend the night together. It kind of feels like it is becoming a bit of a weekly thing for us to spend time together on a Friday night and i genuinely look forward to it each and every time she comes over. It is beyond nice to have a relationship with her that is so full of love and adoration. I am genuinely overwhelmed by her true beauty and just by close we are in general.

We were talking yesterday. We spoke about her relationships with other people and it made me feel sad. It made me feel sad that people take her for granted, take a fucking shit on her when she's down or don't make her their priority. She is one of those people that will drop absolutely everything for anybody if they need her. She doesn't have anybody that will do that for her. She has me. I would give up my air supply for her without a second thought. But we should all have friends that are there for us.

Friendships are so important. Friendships are things that shape us into the people we are to become. When you put your everything in to a relationship and then receive very little in return, how do you expect to be able to receive any sort of positivity?

My beautiful little sister (www.sneakywaystobehappy.blogspot.com)

In recent months, my sister has made the huge conscious decision to cut the negative people out of her life and to only surround herself with positivity. I am so proud of her for that decision. It has really hit me how strong she is.

She has grown in this past few months in so many ways and she has done it with a minimal amount of support from outsiders. SHE is the one that has grown and blossomed in to a better, stronger person. She has truly grown in to herself and i think that now she has proved she can do something with the support of herself, she can now reach out and hold on to more people but in a much healthier way.

I am jealous of her growth. Not a jealousy born from negativity though. It is a jealousy that is making me think deeply and to plan. I want to plan how i can grow further. I want to learn from her. I want to blossom. I don't want to be clinging on to these behaviours for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to reach for these destructive little pills and other behaviours to be able to deal with the calories i am ALLOWED to consume. The calories i am deserving of. I want to be able to feel deserving and to love myself. Those are my main aims.

I am terrified about my impending new therapy plans. Absolutely TERRIFIED. But there is some positivity in me. It is in here somewhere and i am clinging on to it for dear life. It is the reason i still pick up the phone when an 'unknown' number calls. I always know it will be some mental health team member. I can always screen the calls but i don't. Right now, that is a huge thing for me because i am cutting off so many.

I haven't been to an appointment in weeks and week but i am leaving the house. Maybe a minimal amount but there is some movement. I am not making a 'recovery' effort and i am not under any illusions of that but i am making (very) tiny movements.

I have this weird thing with touching food. I have an addiction to sanitiser - going through it like it is going out of fashion. I see calories in food like germs when i touch them and it clouds massive parts of my life. I always feel safer at home but if i am out and about, it really impacts on things and gets right in the way.

Annabella is the main person i am around food with.

In the past two weeks, i have been working to change things. And i know these steps are so small that i shouldn't even write about them. It's ridiculous but i am proud of them, kind of...

Annabella admiring her reflection.

I love Annabella and i want to have fun with her. 'Normal' things are sometimes ever so difficult and i hate that. The other day i managed to play a game with her. We were playing the 'i got your nose' game and i let her do it to me. I let her get my nose and i managed about thirty seconds with the 'calories' on my nose. I didn't sanitise, i didn't wipe...i just did it back to her and i managed. It was horrid but i managed. Lucie saw. She didn't say anything. Well, that's a lie. At first she goes, 'I'm really sorry' because she knows what i am like but i just reassured her and just played. I felt elated afterwards. I still had to sanitise but not immediately. I didn't cry. i didn't flip out...

Annabella loved it too. She proper did.

And on Friday, when i was looking after her, i touched her food and didn't immediately sanitise.

I want to aim to be able to eat with them but that's going to be a while away.

I like making steps though. They're scary but the after feeling is lovely...

I don't know why i am writing about this but it feels nice.

I know that compared to those of you who are 'recovering' or 'recovered', i sound like a knobhead.

But it just feels like it is big to me because i have only been going backwards for months and months and months. A little glimpse of forward thinking is nice. It's a nice change...a glimmer