You're going to have to forgive me because my head is such a mess and i am pretty sure that this is going to translate in to words and probably make no sense. I need to just hammer away at the keyboard or something because otherwise i will start ripping at my skin or something. I am scared. Really really scared. So here goes...
Let me start by telling you my normal weekly routine. You'll probably think i am a lazy bitch but, quite honestly, i do not care:
Monday: Home Day.
Tuesday: Laxatives in the early hours and late afternoon + I have recently started having dietician appointments every three Tuesdays but otherwise it is a Home Day.
Wednesday: Home Day
Thursday: Laxatives in the early hours and late afternoon squeeze all of my appointments in for the morning and then see my friend and her little girl in the afternoon.
Friday: Home Day
Saturday: Home Day
Sunday: Home Day
And the way this past week has been and is set to be:
Monday: Home Day
Tuesday: 9am appointment with shrink. Home for lax.
Wednesday: Home Day
Thursday: Lax in the early hours of the morning, met my friend. Lax at night.
Friday: Lax throughout the morning and then my friend in the afternoon.
Saturday (my birthday): Laxatives throughout the day, going to see a comedy show with my friend in the evening and then out to some bars in town.
Sunday: Laxatives throughout the day and then staying at my sister's house to give her some support.
Monday: This fucking body image group screening thing (worrying myself stupid and probably will end up not going). Home and then lax to the max. (I know, i know. I shouldn't but i need it)
Can you see that? FIVE DAYS IN A ROW of leaving the house. FIVE FUCKING DAYS!
I am in extreme panic mode
I had a panic attack in Mozzas
I cried and had to be helped by this bloody woman
I can't stop crying tonight
And the worries aren't just about one thing. There are so many
Tomorrow, the comedy thing is something i am definetly going to and i am looking forward to it. I will be sat down, able to hide my legs from myself, in the dark...loads of things that should make that okay.
Then, the night out afterwards - Well, i want to go. I proper proper WANT to go. I haven't been out on a night out with my bff for over three years. This is a massive thing. The whole three years is not because of ED stuff though. She was pregnant, had a baby and so on...but the past year and a half to two years has been all to do with my ED stuff.
I know that she would love for me to go out with her more often and stuff.
There's a few things yuo should know - she is GORGEOUS. Very in to how she looks, loves fashion, always looks like she could be on the inside of a magazine in some streetstyle section or something. Literally, the lovely things she wears in the day time are things that i would probably wear at night. Well, back when i was 'well'.
She is only teeny tiny and she is self conscious about this so she always has to wear heels in the evening, bless her. And dresses are the norm for her and stuff. So basically, my fat fucking arse is going to look VILE next to her. I am not wearing going out clothes. I was planning on wearing my Dr Martens, a GIANT jumper and body shaping tights. Just basically what i wear every single day but without the coat and two scarves thing i have been working! I am going to be out in town where there are people of a similar age, with bodies and skin on display...just...i can't even ARGH
Then, Sunday...well, i will be having the day as a 'Home Day' and then the time with my sister is something that wont be changing but it is another thing put on the pile.
And Monday - Monday is just unimaginable to me. I am promising that i will set my alarm with the full intention of going to this screening thing. I am not being weighed, if i do go. They can fuck off.
And if i get there to a waiting room full of people that are the exact opposite of me, weightwise, then they can fuck right off. I will walk straight back out. I don't give a shit.
Someone come and turn the power off me because there are too many thoughts! ARGH jfhigsfiugeiubkjsb
I text my friend and she said i don't have to go and have drinks in town after if i don't want to. But i proper wnt to
And yet i really really don't
I hate this so much
The laxatives are going to kill you.
ReplyDeleteThey really are.
You need some structure and support in your day, to enable you to realise you can cope without using behaviours.
You are in a downward spiral, and having been there myself, it only gets worse.
I hope you get the help you so clearly need, soon.
Or that you can at least ask for it.
This is going to kill you dolly.
You deserve more than that xxxxx
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, darling. Don't lose sight of it. This too shall pass. Keep on keepin' on, and begin your upward climb. Sending much love and positive energy your way :)
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