Invisibility

I am a contradiction, a walking contradiction. I work so hard for people not to notice me, to blend in to the background and not have people second glance me or remember my presence and now that i am sat here with this feeling of invisibility, i don't want it.

I am scared of myself today. I have been for the past week. I seem to have proper hit a mega major dip in the road. Like a proper mega dip. So much so that it feels like somebody has smacked me in the face with a shovel and then taken a big shit on my bleeding nose. I proper feel sad. I don't even know where it has come from and it has scared me.

I was sitting effing my ell today when my Dad called me. He told me what he had bought for my brother for kissmass and i don't know why but i had to grasp on to the annoyance and blow it out of proportion. I know what i have done- i didn't know what was making me so sad, so i needed to make something up. Who even cares what we get for Kissmass. I mean, i do know that kissmass presents are a big thing these days and i DID want to get loads and embrace my inner child where the more presents you get, the happier you will be. I know it doesn't work like that but i had managed to think of all the things i might get and i was getting well excited. I just want to feel a bit more visible. I want to feel a bit of love to be honest.

I have my sister and she shows me her love all the time but i just...i feel really lonely and like i don't matter. I know that this is all the Depression speaking because, truth be told i have a confession.

Ive stopped taking me meds. What a knob. it has been about three weeks. Eurgh. I have totally not taken any because i was 'happier' so i didn't need them no more.

DICKHEAD..,

I think today is proof that i most definetly DO need them badboiis. Fucking fuck sake.

Ah well. I guess i had to learn somehow...

eurgh. gosh im fed up