Thistle & Weeds

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes

I struggle to find any truth in your lies

And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know

This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all

But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall

Lend me your eyes I can change what you see

But your soul you must keep, totally free

Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die

Where you invest your love, you invest your life

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die

Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul

Awake my soul

You were made to meet your maker

Awake my soul, awake my soul

Awake my soul

You were made to meet your maker

You were made to meet your maker

Mumford & Sons have a funny effect on me; a pleasant and yet strange effect.

I was sat here, just browsing the internet like i normally do. I have been living up to my facebook stalking abilities and just having one of those nice reflective days where i look at pictures from the past year and look through all the things i have done and stuff. It wasn't making me happy but it wasn't depressing me. I am indifferent because i don't know if there is any point in me feeling sad about the past year because, as sack of shit-ish as it has been in some ways, in comparison to a couple of years ago, this aint shit. I was actually just sat reminiscing and thinking about the experiences i have had with friends and the laughs, just the general nice memories that facebook pictures have a way of holding so perfectly.

At this time last year, i was in a different place but i guess it was kinda the same as well. Like how black and white are so different but they're the same because they are both colours, relevant in their own ways.

Last year, i was bingeing multiple times daily and vomming at what seemed like a constant rate. Now, i may not be living in that way and going through those motions but i am still in a similar place mentally. Still quite a low ebb.

Mood-wise, i am so much better. Lets just ignore this past week because i plan on doing so. I was taking my medication constantly up until a few weeks ago when i had one of those 'what if its THIS that's making me so fat?' thoughts and cut the meds off completely. A fat load of good that bloody did.

However, up until then, i was doing well. We have had just one major incident of self harm this year which, as sad as this is for me to admit, a bloody amazing thing.

I find that when i am listening to Mumford & Sons, i am at my most mellow. I can just lay and listen or get up and shake my bloody arse off. I love them. They speak such flipping volumes. And they have a beautiful way of expressing a million different feelings in to one song. Like, you can interpret many of their songs on a personal level and those are the sorts of artists i love.

Don't get me wrong, i love a bit of Rihanna asking her nana what her name is and i could bum NDubz all day long, singing about contraception, but Mumford just blow me away every single time i listen to them.

Spare me your judgements and spare me your dreams

Cause recently mine have been tearing my seams

I sit alone in this winter clarity which clouds my mind

Alone in the wind and the rain you left me

It's getting dark darling, too dark to see

And I'm on my knees, and your faith in shreds, it seems

Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown

I know you have felt much more love than you've shown

And I'm on my knees and the water creeps to my chest

But plant your hope with good seeds

Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds

Rain down, rain down on me

Look over your hills and be still

The sky above us shoots to kill

Rain down, rain down on me

But I will hold on

I will hold on hope

I begged you to hear me, there's more than flesh and bones

Let the dead bury the dead, they will come out in droves

But take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes you've made

But plant your hope with good seeds

Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds

Rain down, rain down on me

I am going to try so hard to stop covering myself with thistles and weeds this year. All i ever do is think 'yes but...' and i let all the ifs and buts block me from achieving anything, from achieving success in all areas of my life but, at the minute, i use all of my own thistle and weeds to stop me from achieving the ideal of 'health'. 

I think the timing of this CBT (its starting in the new year because i cancelled two appointments) is spot on. I don't do New Years Resolutions because if you are resolute, you are going to be that way whether its the first of January or the middle of September. Everyday can be a new start and everything is an excuse to better ourselves and to make things change; to make our lives turn a corner...

I just think that, if i use this CBT properly and it is properly suited to me, then i could make this work. I am not ready for a three meals a day, no laxative, normo sort of thing but i am ready to start looking at making some small changes that will lead up to bigger ones.

I am ready

Come at me, motherfuckers!