Deeply dippy.

I will be the first to admit that i think i have found the right balance of SSRI and emotional understanding that has enabled me to steady out my mood and bring it to a more even keel. However, this past two days has been just horrible. I have been in bed and just been...well, depressed to be honest.

I have been eating like a HORSE but that's not even the problem. Its the sadness. Now, i am quite good at being able to notice the difference between the thoughts that are disordered because of my mood and the ones that are fucked up because of my eating disorder. These thoughts are the mood ones and i am not as used to understanding them and sitting with them as i am with the self hating, eating disordered thoughts.

In my head, i think there is a very noticeable difference between both areas of my life and of my mental health.

I guess that my ED has been doing a fantastic job at hiding the mood problems recently because all i think about is how my legs are bigger or how ive eaten too much...

I don't even know what has been so different about this last couple of days. I mean, i have eaten more but i wouldn't call it a binge by my old standards. By the more recent standards, it does feel binge-ish and it is like i am try to satisfy an unquenchable, untouchable hunger. I am trying to feed something but i don't know what. There is nothing that has been bothering me more recently that i can even think of. Like, sometimes my disorder can be triggered more because i am anxious or because i am trying to please someone, feeling pressures or whatever...But in truth, i am actually relatively stead and (god forbid) kinda content at the minute. My family are being wonderful. I have the most amazing friends i could ever wish for. I have a sister that people would kill for. I have a roof over my head. I am paying my bills. I am...well, i am okay. I am. Honestly, i really am. This last two days has kind of knocked me for six though. Like, i want to just stand up and go 'you know what? fuck off. its only two days' but it is funny how two small days of FML can cloud a month of 'okay'.

Hmm...I hope that this little dip is just that; a little dip. I don't want to have a backward surge into the depression stuff. I am struggling to keep the eating disorder in check and to not hurt myself because of that but if the depression decides to nose dive then i, quite honestly, would be a bit scared...

- - 

This week has been a quiet one, like usual

Tomorrow is going to involve a disgustingly early morning. My alarm is set for half five. I plan on getting up, getting ready and going to meet my Chant, Lucie and Annabella. We are going to buy Kissmass presents (one of which shall be LKs :)) and then do some nice shopping in Medz and then...I AM LOOKING AFTER ANNABELLA. OMG. I am SO looking forward to it, i can't even tell you. I haven't looked after her for a couple of months now so that'll be wonderful. She loves me and i aint afraid to admit that to you. She fucking loves me and i love her more than she can ever know. I plan on taking her to Tiger Play which is a big jungle gym thing and burning off some energy (for me, not her...she never stops.) and just having fun and giggles.

I am really excited.

That has to lift my mood. If that doesn't then nothing will...