Realising your dreams

I can't help but feel sad when i try to think of my future and to think of my past. I feel like i am teetering on a knife edge right now. I could make changes and probably become something or i could decide not to change anything and to stick with where i am right now and amount to nothing in my life.

If there is one thing i have realised, it is that i do not feel my age. Don't get me wrong, i know i am not 29 years old and about to hit the big 3-0 but i feel it. I feel like i have been on this earth too long and that i should and NEED to know where i want to be.

I still think in 'when i grow up' sentences and wonder what it's like to be a grown-up. However, i need to realise that i AM grown-up. I am solely in charge of everything in my life, including my finances, my home, my life. I even have a cat and a tv license and an account with the electricity company. I have a fixed address and my own bank machine. I have the rights to do whatever it is that i want to do at night time. I don't have to ask permission. I can choose which way my path goes now. Do i want to continue down this darkened road of self hatred and destruction or do i want to start making some changes to get back on to the 'right' path.

The truth is, i have never stopped dreaming. All that changed is that my dreams just seem to have a different sort of process. I don't imagine myself in these positions, i can't see myself out of this disorder and away from this sadness.

I would be able to give you the longest list of things i would love to be able to do.

• a social worker
• a counsellor
• a beautician
• a dancer
• a care home worker
• a nurse
• a doctor

There are millions of things i would like to do.  And there are a million things i want to do.

I just can't see past the end of my nose. I can't see anything as being more important than losing weight and finding money for more laxatives. One day merges in to the next and before i know it, i am years on, still staring at the same pill packet and still looking down at the same pair of scales, the boundaries being stretched that bit further.

I want to learn things. I want to be at university, doing stuff. I want to have a life. I want to wake up in the morning and drink knowledge for breakfast, to have structure, friends, an education. I miss learning. I miss feeling like i was doing something, furthering myself somehow.

But to be able to go to university, i have to know what i want to do. I don't know what i want to do because i want to do everything. I want to be able to bounce from one thing to another, spreading myself across different roles, signing my name on different contracts.

I want to be able to move onwards and upwards.

Instead, i am spiralling downwards and this is just not working.

I already know that i am taking this year out because i literally am finding it hard to function on a daily basis. I am finding things too much of a struggle to manage to get myself out of bed in the morning, for anything, let alone to leave the house. All i do is eat, poo, starve, poo, poo and eat again. I feel so fucking stuck and i feel like i am doing the part that i can do right now but i need guidance. I need further guidance to push me on forward and to help me.

Before i even realise my dreams and make any plans, i need to be well.

And i need help to get well.

i can't do this alone. Just help me.