Doctors truly baffle me.

Today was the day of the big appointment with my CPN, Psychiatrist, ED nurse, the CBT therapist and...well, that was it. The dietician was meant to be going too but (gutted) she couldn't make it.

The appointment was okay. It wasn't horrible but it wasn't what i would call 'great'.

One part of it has annoyed me properly though.

We were talking about my isolation and stuffs and Dr Saunders asked about my friendships and who i see. Basically, the only regular contact i have is with Lucie and little Annabella. They want me to have more friendships but just friendships where i share a common interest with people but don't get too close to them. I started getting really pissed off because she wasn't half going on about it. I wasn't pissed off about making new friends but i was getting peeved because I felt like she was saying that the fact that i don't have many acquaintances wasn't normal or something. I let her say what she thought and then i replied.

'I actually don't understand what you mean. I feel that i made the conscious decision to only have true friends in my life because i don't actually like to have people i don't feel completely comfortable with in my life. I am open about everything from my eating disorder to my depression and, to be honest, i don't really want to hide anything and go around pretending things are okay when they aren't. I am not about to start going out for a cup of tea and giggling along with people when i have no interest in those sorts of relationships.'

Apparently, having these sorts of friends 'is human'. So, i am an alien lol. No. I know she didn't mean that but i don't think they are understanding that when your eating disorder is all that you are doing in your life, you can't just turn it off so you can go and do a fucking pottery class. Whilst in the class, i'd be thinking about the space i was taking up, the time i was wasting and so on...

I just don't understand why anybody would want that sort of relationship unless they were unhappy and trying to avoid something. I might be unhappy a lot of the time but i am very aware of the things that are going on in my head and it has been a fair while since i last lied to someone to put them off the scent that things are wrong. Know what i mean? Like, if somebody asks me why i don't work then they will get a blunt answer because i don't honestly feel any sort of shame about the reason i don't work. I don't feel any shame when it comes to those sorts of things.

If somebody wants to ask me why my earlier years are etched into my skin or why i have never had a sandwich in front of them, they will be told. I just don't seem to be able to hold off things like that. It is a part of everyday conversation because normalising a problem so abnormal is the only way i have been able to continue living a semi-normal life for this long.

I mean, the first time around, i probably did have acquaintances but i think that whenever someone is growing up, it is a natural thing to have people like that in your life because you are still getting to know people; whether it be school friends, colleagues or even some family members. Once i had got close enough to people, there would be no hiding the fact that i was losing weight and not eating anything. There was no hiding that i was self harming when i was turning up in bandages and when i was being called out of classes to see counsellors and stuff. I used to go out of my way to hide things from people around me but i don't have any intention of doing that anymore.

What is the point anyways? If i don't feel ashamed of things, why should i be friends with people but not too close?

It just seems like a foreign sort of concept.

Another thing that Dr. Saunders said was that i should not have a relationship with a therapist that feels like a friendship and that we should be careful of this happening. She doesn't even fucking know me! She has met me one other time and that was only a few weeks ago. She was simply listening to what Ellie (my CPN) was saying about my therapy ending with Fiona in February. Ellie said, 'I hope you don't mind me saying this, Charlene but it seems like since your therapy ended, you have lost some sort of hope. You don't seem to be as positive about the future and you seemed quite angry that you hadn't made more changes in the time you were there. Ever since it ended, you have lost a lot of weight and the laxative use has gone up drastically.'

This is a fair point, to Ellie's defence. I mean, things have been much worse since therapy finished with Fiona.

Dr Saunders was asking whether my laxative use used to be affected by the appointments. Like, if i had a good appointment, did i feel the need to take laxatives was diminished? I didn't but that was when there were days when i wouldn't take them at all. Now, i have realised that there are no days like that.

Today, i haven't taken any since 4am and i am seriously struggling. I am out for the day with Lucie tomorrow and i am not wanting to be seen in public. I had a binge tonight. It wasn't particularly binge-y as such but you know when you just consume an abnormal amount of calories for what you're used to? Like, it isn't like ive had six packs of biscuits and a few loaves of bread but i had the highest intake in a short amount of time that i have had in a couple of months so i am really struggling with all of that being in me when i don't have any way to get rid of it. Well, i do but i am trying not to. Whoa. Tangent.

Right, Chantelle has just come over for drinks and i am boring myself with this blog anyways. Plus...

SNAILS.