Wishes

I wish that there was a defining moment; a moment i could pinpoint in time where i can remember a switch being well, switched. I wish i could realise what made things change and go back and put some sort of forcefield in front of myself. I wish i could bounce back whatever it was that made things fuck up.

I wish i could know what the hell i could do to make a difference and where the hell i should start.

The early hours of this morning were spent puking again. I seem to be getting this more and more often because i am taking way too many laxatives. Today, i was up to 100 but i am averaging out at about 80 a day, about 6 days a week, minimum.

Things are starting to scare me.

But i need them to get so much worse, weightwise, before i can even consider trying to make them any better.

That scares me even more.