This, right here, is going to be my 100th post. A milestone. I like milestones. They make me think. I also don't like milestones for that very same reason. I want to smile and i want to be able to think 'one hundred posts ago, i was such a different person. I have moved forward so much in the last one hundred posts'. I just read back a few pages and it depressed me. I don't want to be stuck in this fucking rut of self destruction for another moment longer. Things are up shit creek. I actually, honestly, don't remember a time when i was much worse than this. I mean...i know i am considered to be 'Bulimic' and i haven't actually gone through that before now. Back in the days when i was 'the a word', things were bad. Really bad at times. But this seems like an absolute polar opposite. Not like light and dark in the metaphorical sense where the light is the better and the dark is the terrible. More to show the contrast between the light of one side and the contrast of scribbling the darkest black chalk along that white piece of paper. You see that no matter what, you are always stuck in this in-between world where everything is fucking backwards. You really do think that things are fucking clear. You think that everything is clear to you and that you are looking through new and different eyes. You think that those new and different eyes are new and are clearer. But they're not, they're just blurred and skewed in a different way. They are just as distorted but not perfect. It isn't the difference like it would be if you went from being short sighted to having 20:20 vision. It is more the difference where you go from being so short sighted that you can't see the bus number, driving up the road to being so long sighted that you cant see the nails on your fingers without the aid of glasses. You're just going from one polar opposite to the other. Am i making sense?
Tonight, i have been watching the Derren Brown thing on Channel 4. I am not going to go into the details of it because i can't stand to talk about him because he is so annoying. Drives me up the wall if i am honest with you. However, he did have a point. And i liked the message at the end that put across the suggestion that we are all capable of moving forward with our lives and of making changes, being the hero. We all need to make some sort of change.
I, sure as hell do need to make a change. This sort of inspired me but then i was slightly depressed. WHAT the hell would i change? What do i want to change? DO i want to change? How do i change? What would the first step be?
I am scared of my aims and of how fucked up my thoughts are. I am literally convinced that there is no way out of this that i am going to be able to manage with the minimal support i have at the minute. Its all very well being happy and smiley and telling me to move forward and take less laxatives but when i fucking step out of that room, i am on my own. I can't do this on my own. I can't do this when i have barely any support at any other time.
I have all of my workers; support workers, CPN, eating disorder woman (idk what she does. i think it might be therapy but fucking don't get me started.) and...i think that's my lot. Fuck sake.
Now i started with the eating disorder woman thing, i will elaborate quickly. The other day, i had an appointment with her. I told her that i have been taking even more laxatives, even more often. She saw a 'substantial weight loss' and yet, she finished the session after just fifteen minutes. She really just discussed whether i had blood in my poo and then that was it. Pissed me off to be honest.
She's calling my CPN to 'inform her of the recent changes', whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean and yeah. I basically have jack shit until the 21st, support wise. I think i have an appointment with the GP but i only go there to score me some more anti-depressants, grab some more sleeping pills (if i am lucky) and then that's it.
I am so glad that i have the trip to see one of my best friends in the mean time. I go to see my darling LK on the 17th and i can't wait for that. I am nervous but i can't wait. I feel so comfortable with her. She is the best thing to happen to me in years. Obviously, i have my darling Lucie and her wee baby and my amazing sister. They will always be massive parts of my life. What i mean is that in the recent times, LK is the most important thing to have happened in my life. I can't imagine life without her. I can't imagine life without any of my friends but we have this DEEP understanding that goes so much deeper than the bond that 'friends' have. She is a sister. Another sister. That's what best friends are. They are an extension of a sister. I believe that without her, my blood sister and my other best friend, i would not have much of a reason to keep going. This is probably quite sad. To be so reliant on relationships with people to keep you alive but it is true. It is the way it is. And i like it that way.
Now, I am just watching Seven Pounds and then, i will be going to sleepies.
I love this film so much. It warms my heart so completely. It is like how Pay It Forward affects me. I love films like this so much. Awh...
Thanks for reading if you have read this random drugged up post.
It's not sad to be reliant on relationships. At the end of the day it's these people we all go to if we're having a bad day or even a good day. Most of out support comes from our closest so really it's a good thing :)
ReplyDeleteI love how close you are to LK, it's honestly one of the most beautiful friendships I've witnessed and it's lovely :)
I'm watching Deadliest Catch right now(bare with me on this!) my favourite captains(Phil) son(Jake) has just revealed to his dad that he's an addict. He's been stealing Phils prescription painkillers and other meds when he knows that if Phil doesn't get these his condition will get crazy crazy bad(which it does but that's neither here nor there seeing as you probably don't have a clue what I'm on about anyway!). So yeah, the addictions really bad. Anyhoooo Phil just said 'He's at the point now where he has a choice. throw this to the side and forget or do something about it and not let it ruin him, everyone has the ability to beat their demons, they just need to find the way to do it'
So yeah I don't really have a clue where I'm going with that after typing that little essay so make of it what you will :) If it doesn't make sense just ignore me, it's early and I'm sleepy and still traumatised from this episode(see, deadliest catch isn't just about fisherman. It's a full blown reality soapy thing too haha) hahaha
Yeah I'm gonna leave you now. I've written enough of an essay as it is without actually getting to a point haha :)
love youuuu
xxx