I wanna see your peacock.

I don't have an interesting title so i decided to just post a lyric to the song i am listening to at the moment (Katy Perry - Peacock).

Today has been bitter-sweet. It started off with me having zero sleep and having the worst body day i have had in a while. I mean, every day is pretty bad but today really outdid itself. I could swear to you that my thighs are double the size today compared to what they were yesterday. Bombard me with your psychological and physiological facts if you wish, i know them all but i can't seem to translate them into a language that i can listen to. Everything is so flipping black and white in this ED world and i had forgotten what it felt like to see, actually SEE, a huge difference in your body in a matter of hours. Your weight doesn't reflect the changes you 'see' but you cannot be convinced otherwise. Your clothes feel tighter and you can't entertain the thought that it could all just be some skewed thing going on in your head. You can't imagine that what you are seeing is not real. You will have read all about the different things eating disorders fuck with and you will know the theory but there is no way that this can apply to you. Everyone else, yes, but not you.

Thankfully, the only reason i was leaving the house today was to meet my best friend and her little girl. I set off a bit earlier because i wanted to pop in to Mothercare to buy Annabella something i saw on Friday. I simply needed to get it for her :)

She loved it. Whenever we pass the display in the shop, she goes crazy and starts making 'ZZZZZZZ' sounds for the Zingzillas. So, i went in and grabbed Panzee (that's her name :)) and then went down to meet them. I was early so i walked down and met them off of their bus after grabbing a couple of things for LK's birthday.

We then went to this new shop that has opened in town and spent about half an hour looking around. I got my first Kissmass presents. I know, i know. It is sick that i have started and i am normally the first to feel sick at the thought but i am excited. I guess it is that thing of having a baby to buy for. This will be the first Kissmass where she will be able to get cool toys and i have always said that i will be the first person to buy her her first drum-kit. I bought her her first drum, musical bell bracelet, tambourine and cymbal thing and so it was only right that i bought her this!

It is in this massive box thing and is so cool. It was banging around all the way home. I was just walking around all, 'yeah. I'm so cool' :)

I want to get her this Peppa Pig kitchen thing and then i think that will be me done with her for now.

I got two of my sister's presents but i can't say what they are because she stalks me and i have to try and make sure that she doesn't know what she has got.

I am the crappest surprise keeper though. I can keep secrets for others but when it is me that has bought the present, i am just DIEING to see people's faces. Its ridiculous.

After town, we all went along to Meadowhall, walked around there and then my horrible feeling of body and weight and all that crap came back tenfold and i decided to fuck my life up the arse. T'was fun.

I am now home, bored and bored and bored aaargh

I went to Mozzas before i came home and bought some cabbage, cauliflower and brocolli. Yes. This is what my life has become lol

I have to somehow manage to find some pennies for this weekend, to get my sister some food in AND to  just live in general. Difficult.

Erm...

This is a very pointless blog. SHOCK HORROR