At the moment, i am stuck. That is the only way i can find of explaining this current situation with you. I am stuck, in it way over my head and i don't know what to do. i don't know where to start and i guess...i just don't feel too hopeful about things right now.
So anyways, i was talking to Liv about this the other night. I had an appointment yesterday and decided i was going to try and be truthful. I didn't know what the hell i was going to say but i knew i was going to tell them that i feel too far in to be able to get a way out.
So, i was sat there, waiting to go in and i was terrified but i was more worried about the fact that i could see my monstrous thighs, i covered those and then played over the possibilities of what i could say. Over and over again.
Anyways, my CPN came through and she called me in to the room. I went in and the appointment started with the normal shit:
Her: How have you been? (she got her 'sad eyes' and they always make me feel really confused)
Me: The same as i always am to be honest.
Her: You look like you have lost some more weight.
Me: Oh. Cool. Erm. Cool.
I fucking hate going to the appointments in those places when they are there for your head but they seem to look at your appearance first. I mean, i know it can say a lot about someone but it is still annoying. And how is commenting on it helpful? To be honest, i find it quite triggering because i get such conflicting thoughts. I get the stupid smile inside, thinking stupid crap. Then, i get angry because she is lieing and it just leaves me feeling so confused. So yeah. I have decided that from now on, i am going to answer with 'oh. thanks. erm. cool.'
Fuck sake.
Anywho, the session then continued. I did tell her that i am in over my head and that i don't know if i am going to be able to change things on my own. I decided to just be honest when i went in and that is what i was. In fact, i have never been so blunt with her. I told her that although i know i am recieving extra help that, in one breath 'i dont deserve it because im not thin enough' and then i explained that i also sort of...feel scared because i have one appointment every few weeks and it just feels like it isn't enough to make changes. I hate when my ED comes into conversations like that but it does and it happens more and more regularly now because it is so prominent in my life. I can recognise the destructive, degrading thoughts but i can't stop them or argue with them because they are true.
However, i do recognise that things don't seem to be able to get much worse than they are right now.
The main focus of the session turned on to values. I had to say what i valued and how i would like it to change, if at all. We spoke about me valuing my family and my friends. We spoke about how i would like it to change and, of course, it was mainly in ED ways. In fact, thinking about it, i think they were all eating disorder related. Hmm...
The third thing we spoke about began like this
'Shall we try and think of one more thing you value for today and talk about that?'
'Yes. Okay. That sounds fine. I don't know what to say.'
'Lets just think about parts of your life you would like to change, to value more.'
[long pause]
'I just want to value myself.'
Oooh. Then it got juicy and we managed to conclude that once i value myself, the other things i value in life will improve. We spoke about how bad things were and what would show i valued myself. Like opening the curtains, having a proper wash on 'home days', not taking laxatives, being able to sit with my self and my body, like myself, be able to have proper mirrors in the house, so many things
'I knew things were bad but i didn't realise to what extent and just how bad things are'
BOOYACKASHA MOTHER FUCKER.
Stick that in your pipe and take a big puff!
I feel like i finally got across how horrid things are.
fukmalyf LOLZZZ
I love you and I is proud of you chicka :D
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