You have to hit rock bottom before you can even begin thinking about going up, right? I'm wondering when I am going to hit the bottom and I am scared of how hard I am going to crash. It has been about a year, probably a bit longer than that, since I felt this low.
I am stuck in a cycle of neverending negative thoughts, laxatives, self hatred and just pure sadness. I hate feeling like this and I hate others seeing me like this. It is making me feel so sad :(
I have spent the weekend looking for a job but that is another thing that scares me. The main reason I am looking for one is because I need to feel that there is an actual reason to wake up in the morning and that I have some sort of place. This could be the best thing I have ever done but with my current state, I think it has the possibility of going completely tits up. With my current mindset, I am quite scared that things are going to go hurtling downwards. Ugh
idk how much further there is for me to go down though
and I don't care that this is so FML and that I sound like such a testicle
Taking you on a journey through my life and documenting the triumphs and trials that come hand in hand with having an eating disorder. Hopefully, one day i will be able to look back on this and see just how far i have come.
Sparkles listen to me, you aint no testicle and it's a complete myth that you have to hit rock bottom before going back up again. Why go as low as you can? it'll make it so much fucking harder. Start now, looking for a job is a good step and don't think that just because you can't find one now means you can throw the rag in.
ReplyDeleteTo be fair I'm not really in the best of positions to tell someone 'everything will be ok', and I'm not comparing my sad times to you're sad times and as much as this might help or not, Sparkles you aint alone. Being stuck in the cycle is probably worst thing about it, there appears to be no way out, but there is evidence that this is. People do it, people recover, and you can do it too. You is way more fitter than anyones I know ;) AND you get to see me in 24 days. Love you Sparkles xxxx