There are things on my mind

There are things racing around and around in my mind and yet there is complete, uncomfortable, unbearable silence. I have a killer headache and i am agitated as shit. However, i don't know what the hell the problem is because i can't separate one thought and feeling from the next. Everything has merged together and it is annoying me.

I'll lay my cards out on the table for you.
I am really worried about tomorrow because i have an appointment with my psychiatrist, who i have not seen for absolute months and months so tomorrow is going to be horrible, nerves-wise. I am terrified because i honestly can't cope with a single comment to do with me looking 'normal' or 'okay' or 'healthy,'. In fact, i can't actually be arsed with hearing a single one of her observations and if she decides to express any of them, i am hoping that i am in this very same mood tomorrow because i am going to tell her exactly what i think. I will shoot down her fucking judgements on my weight and how this, in some pathetic way, gives anything about my current state of mind away. I hate people that are like that, it annoys me so much, FUCK OFF. i have been telling them for months that things are getting worse and they haven't been listening because my weight hasn't been going down. DUHHH. Fucking idiots.
I hate feeling like i have to cover myself up so that she can't compare shit.

eurgh. They're doctors and are meant to know things better than we are. They're meant to be able to know that what you see is not necessarily what is actually going on. Seeing weight gain does not mean the mood is better, seeing weight loss does not mean that the issues are any worse. It just means that you can now see the physical manifestations of a mental health problem.

I am so scared about tomorrow. Mainly because i am worried about what Ellie (my CPN) has written in my notes and that the doctor is going to be thinking i will look different or that i am somehow going to be dramatically thinner or something. Ellie is full of shit. I am still massive and i am just scared that she might think out loud or that her eyes will give it away when she sees me and i am just...



scared.