And in a puff of smoke, she was gone.

I should be sleeping as it is nearly half past four in the morning. Instead, i am sat in bed, wishing away my minutes, hours, life. I have turned into some sort of seventeen year old, teenage, emo, drama queen as of late - only i don't wear the clothes and i don't tend to have such a close relationship with the art of backcombing. I just tend to have adopted the same cliched mindset of the world not being worth living in when things never change and that there really is no point in my existence on this earth. You'd be right in thinking that this is a sad, pessimistic and pathetic way for me to be looking on life but i can't help it.
It seems that depression can surprise you. You think that you can know yourself and you trick yourself into comparing it to the time you were in hospital or the time you took an overdose. 'I don't feel as bad as then'. But then you have to come to the realisation that when this stupid illness is holding on tight enough, it will not let you realistically compare past symptoms with the symptoms that manifest themselves in the here and now. No. Instead you are left feeling that you have never felt, and nobody could ever feel, this bad. You recognise that you have been on the brink before and that you have jumped but you realise that although you are not physically throwing yourself over the cliff and even though you are not pouring the pills down your neck, you are still thinking about it. Sometimes, the thinking and the planning is worse than than the actual action. When you are acting on something, you can be bothered to change your current situation, even if it is to put a stop to your life. However, sometimes, you can go past suicidal and end up in 'i really don't care' land.

This is a lonely place to be. Black can't describe it because black is not dark enough. It can't even be described as some muythical, invisible place because it is too large and much too vast to ever be considered visible. It is nothing. And it is everything. It consumes your very soul and eats you alive, from the inside out and from the outside in. It hurts and yet it is numb.

This is not a feeling i am too familiar with because in the past, things have felt hopeless and i have hurt myself. Although i have had a few instances of self harm in the past couple of months, it feels inferior to the harm i am inflicting in other ways.

My ED (i don't even know what to call it anymore) is well and truly back in business. It is the only part of me that is making any sort of effort. I can tell you what you want to hear but i wont hear what it is that you are telling me. I don't see what you see and i don't want to. I am not making sense because i am literally battling every demon i have ever come across.

I am scared. And yet, i feel peaceful. It is like the sort of peace you get before you have had any sort of experience with bingeing. You have not experienced that out of control, completely mental state of shovelling food down your mouth quicker than you can get it in your hands and so the thought doesn't scare you as much. however, when you have seen and felt it, you know it is there. Always hiding and ready to jump out when you feel your least vulnerable. That is where i am right now. I am scared of what COULD happen but i am at peace with what is. The future is scaring the shit out of me. I cannot think further than a few days in front and i can't even entertain the thought of the trees losing their leaves and of Santa visiting because i can't see myself in those pictures. Not because i don't plan on being there but because i just don't even know who or what i am anymore.
It is like i don't actually exist. I am some sort of monster that is hiding in its hole. I pop out every now and then and people will see me and they will be shocked and then, as quick as i arrived, i will leave. I will skulk away, back to the hole in which i emerged and i will wait. I will wait until it feels like it is a little calmer and i will show myself, i will judge myself and you will judge me. You will assume that things are either better or worse, depending on my current situation, weightwise. Then, you will think that that shows you everything about me. You will believe that because i am bigger, i am better.

I'll let you into a little secret...just because things are changing physically, it doesn't mean that they haven't been doing so mentally for a very long time. It just makes you listen to me more intently. It makes you pay more attention which, ill be the first to admit, i used to love but now i want you to leave me alone. I warned that this was getting worse and it was obvious that something was going to end up happening.

Just watch me disappear.