Its not about weight, eh?

Therapists are always wanting you to think about the underlying issues surrounding food and surrounding your eating disorder instead of looking at weight all the time. I had an appointment with my shrink today. Dr. Contradiction shall be her name in my eyes, from now on. I don't understand how these people's minds work, they say one thing in one breath and then it changes in the next. I don't understand how they want me to take their words and how they can possible be unaware of the effect that their words are having on the patient. I just don't get it.

For example, today i was in my appointment and we were discussing my body image. She was basically trying to pick holes on what it was that i was saying and trying to make me think it as wrong. Erm. HELLO? I don't think you quite understand it, love. I don't see things differently, i see it how it is and i am not happy with it. The way that i am trying to manage my weight and stuff might not be conventional but, right now, it's one of the only things that is keeping me insanely sane. I get scared, of course i do. I get scared sometimes when i realise that i need to take another twenty laxatives or my head might explode with anxiety. I get scared of the levels of hatred that i feel and it scares me that it doesn't seem possible for these levels to inflate. I get scared when i realise that even though these levels are inflated to such extremes, i am deflated. I am nothing, in my mind. I am everything. What am i? Who am i?

Am i my eating disorder? In theory, no. I don't want to be known as a 'Bulimic'. I dont want to be known as 'disordered'. Who are you to say what is ordered? Who are you to decide my rank in your screwed up standards and who are you to define me with a few words. I am more than my height and weight. I am much more than my diagnoses. I am so much more and, more than anything, i am scared. I am really scared.

There is a quote that i remember reading many times, and each time i read it, it has the same effect on me:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

How powerful is that? It is true as well. I just wish that i could let my light begin to shine so that i COULD let others do the same. I wish i knew where the hell my light was. I mean, i am not under the impression that i am completely invisible and that i don't have some sort of influence on people's lives and i know that people are etched on my heart and I on theirs. However, i find myself wishing sometimes, that i could just disappear [POOF!] into a cloud of smoke and that people would be none the wiser. I get scared that one day i am going to lose all grasp of myself and i will truly push the people in my life that mean the most to me, away.

I have not planned this blog. I don't ever plan them really, to be honest. I just like to write whatever is in my mind and then just post it. I try not to edit my thoughts because this is a place for me to be myself. A blank canvas for me to splodge my thoughts over.

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Tomorrow, i have a two-hour driving lesson. I am really excited because i haven't had a two-hour one before. I always feel that after an hour, i am only just getting into the swing of things. I need to have an extra hour so that i can really feel that i am getting more done and so that i CAN get more done. :) Tomorrow, i am guessing that we will be doing some reversing (i can't do it) and more roundabouts. I rock the roundabouts. I am the absolute Dog of all things roundabouts, i kick their ass!

I am excited but i am pretty broke, to be fair. I need to get me a lottery ticket this week!

Ah, life!