I hate when this happens. I hate it when depression suddenly sends you into a nosedive, almost into despair. I hate the sadness that consumes me at this point in time and the way that everything suddenly flips and turns so black. I loathe the time between one minute and the next. I hate how being asleep is so much less painful than being awake, even though my sleep is over-run with nightmares.
I have some of the nicest people i have ever had the pleasure of meeting, in my life. I have some of the best and most exciting things going on. However, i just cant help but feel like everything is so terribly hopeless. Everything hurts so much. But then, in the next breath, it hurts just because I hurt. I feel bad that i hurt when there is nothing in particular that has happened to trigger this sudden nosedive. Nothing has happened that should make me start thinking suicidal thoughts. Nothing has happened that should make me feel any of these feelings. Well, nothing recently.
To be honest, i am just fed up of the same monotonous process, day-in, day-out. I feel so shit about myself that i guess that IS going to have some sort of effect on my mood, obviously. I know for a fact that if the way i feel about myself was to change, it would be half of the battle already won. I just wish that i knew where i should start. Everything seems too engrained into routine, i dont know how to break the cycle, how to stop this vicious circle. It really is like after every single day, it starts again.
My life at the moment is comparable to Groundhog day. I am living each day over and over, like it is on a loop. The things i eat may change and the processes i use may change but in the end, everything else is the same. I see the same people, follow the same pattern, feel the same feelings. How do i break out of this shit?
Will i ever?
oh for goodness sake.
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