Its 4:30 in the afternoon and i just realised i hadn't had anything since my frozen muller light this morning. Obviously i jumped right on board and shoved a sweet potato in the microwave along with some vegetarian chilli. Burnt my poor fingers in the process but thats partly to do with me being a bit high on lorazepam right now. I even added Lurpak lighter to my potato. Theres literally hardly any food in the house so god knows what I'm doing for dinner but the fact is that i am having something.
i keep repeating to myself, 'i do not want to go in to an inpatient unit.' That sounds dramatic but its a very real threat right now. The only reason I'm not locked up is because they're waiting for a gap to become available for an assessment. Its a good job i don't NEED it right now because I've been off the medical ward for two months or something like that. If it wasn't for me pulling my finger out of my arse and deciding to hatch this master plan and actually get better then id be up shit creek without a paddle.
Ive had a wobble this past couple of weeks and its made me have to reassess what i want and use every bit of willpower to get back up on that chuffin' horse and get on with it.
Ive decided to sack of going to be weighed. Its utterly counterproductive. I can't cope with seeing the numbers go up or go down. I want them to stop moving at all now.
I had such a good chat with my sister last night and told her how much I've been struggling and her advice was to wait until Friday and speak it through with the dietician and say i don't want to be weighed anymore. See what she has to say about it.
In short, I'm back on the horse and only prepared to go in one direction and thats to eat my way as far away from York as possible. I AM NOT GOING INPATIENT EVER AGAIN
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