One of the main struggles i am having right now is accepting that i am 'ill enough'. This is a pretty common thing when you're suffering from an eating disorder but NEWSFLASH(!)- I'm never going to be 'thin enough' or 'poorly enough' or 'bad enough'. I just am really struggling with accepting this.
I got news at the end of last week that i am going to be going in to inpatient eating disorder treatment, something i have been wanting for such a long time and so many feelings have come up that i don't know my arse from my elbow.
Thinking about it, i think it has a lot to do with being somewhat rejected when i have asked for more intensive treatment in the past. I have been convinced for months that things couldn't get any worse whilst, at the same time, steadily going downhill.
My brain is a giant contradiction at the minute and i can recognise that but at the same time, i don't know how to actually fight it. I KNOW that things are bad...i really do, worse than they have ever been, in fact. But then, at the same time, seem to kind of fantasise about how much worse i could make it. Its this fantasy thats causing so much of the to-ing and fro-ing in my head.
I know how utterly hopeless my eating disorder is making me feel but then, at the same time, the self doubt is something that is really getting to me.
One thought merges in to the next and its making it so difficult to actually separate one worry from another. Ive written so many blogs recently and had to just delete them because i know that nothing will make sense but I've decided to just post whatever it is that i write. After all, i really am posting on here for myself and i need to just remember that it is only me that wants to look back on this in a year's time and see a change. My god i hope there is a bloody change!
So, IP is more or less definitely going to happen. Its all about the formalities now. Im waiting for a referral meeting to take place tomorrow where my case will be discussed and a decision will be made. Then, i have to wait for the MDT in Sheffield before getting a phone call which i am hoping will give me an admission date. It could be as soon as next week which is SHIT SCARY but also a blessing because waiting is driving me mad. I have to admit though that this couldn't be moving much quicker. Its been two weeks since my ED worker decided to look further in to an IP admission and I'm already at the stage where i am waiting for an admission date. Thats bloody good going and i feel incredibly lucky for that.
This week so far has been spent just grabbing bits and bobs. You know- pyjamas, toiletries, comfy clothes and the like. Every single bit of shopping this week has been bloody boring as hell. I WANT TO BUY MAKEUP AND DVDs dammit!
One of the main decisions i need to make is to chuck in this weight loss lark. That's the biggest obstacle and comes back down to not being 'ill (thin) enough'. I will get there though. I have to. Its just hard to accept help because my eating disorder still has such a grip on me.
I feel like it is coming across to people that i am sick and tired of my ED and want to let go of it completely (which is 80% true) but it isn't as easy as that. What people need to understand is that i am doubting myself to a whole new level because of this whole weight thing. I want to lose weight AND get better and thats what i need to come to terms with. I CAN NOT GET BETTER AND LOSE WEIGHT AT THE SAME TIME.
I know that this blog makes no sense and is seriously disjointed but i just needed to get some shit out.
Boom.
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