Today, all i have been thinking about is how much further i 'need' to go with my eating disorder. How much further is this going to go? When will i decide that enough is enough?
Granted, i want help. My God, i have never wanted anything more than i want help. Things are absolutely out of control- so much so that i am not sure they could get much worse. But then the Eating Disorder kicks in (ahh, lovely)...'You could be much, much smaller...', 'You can't stop yet...'
If you have a similar problem then you will know how hard getting help actually is. Its easy for people to just say, 'well, eat a sandwich' or 'you're not happy now' but the fear is unreal. I have this insane fear that my eating disorder is fullfilling some sort of purpose, which is what the professionals like to tell me. However, i have no idea what this purpose is. It could be control, a way i deal with external pressures, a reflection of the past i have had and the only way i have been able to manage day-to-day life. It could be anything really.
There are days when i really do believe that i know why i have this godforesaken thing in my head. I can place exactly where it stems from and i can recognise the role it plays in my life. But those things change. Day to day, i know that it helps me to deal with whatever is going on around me. I know that if i experience rejection from someone, i will either binge or restrict. I know that for a fact. But i am not rejected daily by anyone other than myself. I'll be the first to admit that i have one seriously messed up relationship with my parents, but that is not something that i think about daily. However, this eating disorder is a part of daily life. I feed on it. (ironic haha)
I had a call from the EDU today finally making an appointment to see me. It's sent me in to a blind panic because, even though i really do want out of this, i also can't imagine not being able to deal with shit by taking stuff, eating stuff or purging stuff.
This makes no sense. This blog is crap. I just thought it would help to get something out...
It so hasn't
My brain is mush lol
I've just come across your blog, and think you write really well. I've only read the last few posts, but you definitely meet the criteria for inpatient treatment because of your behaviours. It is more likely a Sheffield funding issue than anything so don't let that make your head minimise the seriousness of your behaviours. Sounds like you have an awesome cpn. Keep fighting and hang in there.
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