This week has been weird. My head is in a funny, funny place and i don't really know how to put my feelings in to words so ill just stick to the facts. Leave the feelings for the shrinks and therapists - we all know how they love that shiz.
I went out on Saturday night for my boyfriend's birthday. It was actually loads of fun. I got drunk which is standard Charlene-style behaviour. Ever the binge drinking statistic! (The wine i was drinking was 99 pence per glass. That's just asking for trouble! Chantelle and I were walking around telling anybody and everybody just how amazing our 99p wine actually was. We aint half a pair of classy, classy bitches!)
Chantelle came for most of the night but then went home to her Mr. Loverman! Bless their cottons!
After she left, we ended up mooching on down to Leadmill. I can semi-remember walking there but not much else lol. There are blank spots but that's a story of my life when it comes to nights out. Nowt to be proud of, you say? Whutevs. I had a good time and i kept myself safe! Back to the story- It was a wonderful night and the first proper night out i have had in a really, really long time. It was another step on my journey to a new life of normality and fun. And it was planned. It was something that i could have let my eating disorder talk me out of but i didn't.
When we got to the Leadmill, i did have a panic attack but i just reacted by going outside, having a cigarette and taking some time to calm my ass down. It was okay and after ten minutes or so, the panic subsided. I seem to remember talking to someone on the phone while i was stood out there but that might be a lie. I can't remember properly. I came back in and John had been to the bar and was stood waiting for me with a good old bottle of Strawberry & Lime Kopparberg. I was past the point of caring what i was drinking so i just rolled with it, even though it tasted like actual crappp! I hate strawberry flavour anything and have bad memories of a particularly drunk night on the Kopparberg. It is one sick, sick drink. And i am not using 'sick' as a synonym for good. I can't joke about that shit.
We ended up staying in the rock room and i wont lie, most of the time i had no clue what the hell the song was that was playing but i moshed along and let my hair down. It helped that i was wearing my beloved Dr Martens so i was comfy as a pig in a blanket (probs not a good simile there, considering if a pig is in a blanket, its probably dead and about to be eaten but you know what i mean).
I stayed at Johns on Saturday night and we went for something to eat in a little cafe on Sunday. Im working hard at this exposure lark and was pretty proud of myself. He didn't make it a big deal and it was just nice. We then went back to his again and died on the bed for an hour (major hangover) before i headed off home.
Today, i had an appointment with my CPN and then an appointment with my physio about my stupid wrists (which are driving me absolutely insane, btw). After that, i went to my friends on an emergency hair rescue mission. I am not being mean when i say this but she had fucked it up good and proper and she would be the first to admit to that! She couldn't leave the house because her hair had turned more shades of white, brown, orange and blonde you have ever seen in your life. CHARLEEEEEEENE, TO THE RESCUEEEE! I went up and sorted that shit out and, pardon me for blowing my own trumpet, i did a bloody good job!
I basically spent about 2 hours playing on Just Dance 3 with her youngest daughter. I now can't get Mika's Lollipop song out of my head but its okay because i had an absolute BLAST!
Tomorrow, i am back to daycare and its my beloved weigh day. I flipping hate Tuesdays with an absolute passion. They are always so difficult and the groups are pretty full on. We have weigh in, nutrition group, meal planning, snack, CBT group, lunch and relaxation. I think there might be another one in there between lunch and relaxation but i might be lying! (im a fab liar as you can tell!)
On a side note; in the time it has taken me to write this post, i have added the words 'shiz', 'whutevs', 'sickkk' and mosh to my laptop dictionary. More and more gangsta by the day. *adds 'gangsta' to dictionary*
Well, its now 2am and im thinking it will probably be a good idea to go to bed. I have to be up in 4 and a half hours. Lovely.
You really are amazing, I hope you know that. I have so much faith in you, so much hope and so much admiration towards you. Keep on going Simbs, like I said this morn, Every hard day is a day closer to easier ones :) x
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