Carry On Regardless.

This week has been a shakey old week to say the least.

I felt like my mojo was gone and i didn't know how the heck to get it back and to climb back up on that wagon. I've been purging more and restricting and its all quite pissing me off (understatement, or what?!). I know that recovery is a long process but i kind of just want to snap out of it.

I had some annoying thoughts earlier in the week which made me feel like doing summat daft but not for as Captain Depresso a reason as they used to be. I was just imagining my life with an eating disorder and thinking about how fackin' much i want to recover and then, toyed with the idea of staying this way. I am in a place right now where that is the worst possible scenario; i literally can't think of anything i would want to do less! I like that i'm in that place though because, i'll be honest with you, it shows me just how pissed off i am with all of this cack.

My eating disorder is holding on for dear life and fighting back like you wouldn't believe. It's trying to work against me by convincing me that EVERYTHING WILL BE SUNNIER AS LONG AS IM THIN. Bullshit, i know, but then...i don't at the same time. My head is full of mushy peas. The thoughts have no truth in them and i know that it is just my disorder but then...it's kind of easier to surrender to the beast than it is to beat it off with a big stick. And that's something i am REALLY struggling with. For the sake of an easier life, my eating disorder would cover it perfectly. But then, an easier life is a fucking joke anyway when youre bent over the toilet, or taking 50 times the 'recommended dose' of laxatives every day. Easier is not good. But then my ED-head likes to think that it is. Oh i dont know...

See! Mushy pea brainz.

Another thing im struggling with is my own hatred for my body. Its annoying because im not 'underweight' and i still so badly want to be. I want to get better- of course i bloody do but i want to do that and lose weight and accepting that that is not going to be a possibility for me is really difficult to come to terms with.

I just wish i was thin and hated being so thin so that i could actually want to GAIN weight. But thats not the case. I am fat and recovery could very well make me bigger and...

snails