New Year is often used as an excuse to make mad, out-there resolutions that we all know we aren't going to keep. Its normally a time for us to be all 'im changing. blahblahblah' but this year this couldn't be further from the truth. Don't get me wrong, im normally the one that rolls their eyes, tells you to grow up and moves on to my own mundane life but this time it feels different.
I am not wanting ot change because the new year is here. I am wanting to change because the past years have caught up on me and im just realising how far i haven't come and how much further i have fallen.
Fuck me i have a right old climb ahead of me but i feel ready. I can not say i have ever felt this ready before, even when i 'got better' before. That didn't feel as far down a start point as this one does. I have gone past scraping the barrel; gone much lower than that and i dont want to go any lower, thankyouverymuch.
So where do i start?
Well, ive decided to make myself some 'small' goals because then ill have a whole load of those under my belt. Beforehand, i was making such unrealistic goals. Like, for example, 'get a job'. Thats pretty unrealistic (for now) and working towards that is going to knock my confidence lower rather than build it up.
So ive been thinking of some small goals. This week, we have three.
- Go to daycare every day i am required to go this week
- Express my discomfort around my keyworker and the way i am being forced to tell the deets of my eating disorder
- Have one Starbucks 'real' drink with a friend.
The last proper starbucks i had was on the 28th of January 3 years ago. Why do i remember? Because i had cut it out for about a month and had one because it was my friend's birthday and i wanted to make her happy. One of the girls from daycare wants to go for coffee one day this week (i think it could be tomorrow) and i want to try to get a Soy Latte. I know its not exactly a 'ten sugars, full fat milk, side of cream' order, but its a start. And you know what? That is going to be one seriously big step for my head. I know it is just a drink to most people and i am fat so shouldnt have these worries but its a genuine worry and is going to be a genuine step forward. I've already gone through the whole situation in my head and am not piling the pressure on. I'm not about to say i HAVE to do it and im not going to act like the world ends if i dont manage it. If i can't manage it with a friend, im going to get one on my way home. Just a small one. Just a small step.
I am back at daycare tomorrow. Weigh day. Oh the joy!
Its ever so exciting stuff. Gorra love the start to my week being finding out just how much im worth, eh? I kid, i kid.
Anyway, yeah. After daycare, i think im going for the coffee and then off to Argos to pick up some earphone earmuff things as a little treat. And a shower curtain (lets pretend im not grown up for admitting that)!
Ive done a shopping order online. My first 'proper' recovery shop of the year. Of pretty much ever. I have no binge food in there; just food for my meal plan. Tomorrow's lunch is always a tough one because they seem to think that the perfect meal on a Tuesday, after being weighed, is made entirely by staff. Bloody good plan!
But i will not let it fuck up the rest of my day if i don't manage it. Simples man, simples.
Happy New Year to you all xxx
Aw Lilby this is full of so much promise and hope :) and the decision for several small steps, I think, will make all the difference.
ReplyDeleteI am a full on believer of baby steps and it's seem to of become my moto over the last few months.
It doesn't matter if your coffee is small, or what is even in it, but the fact that you are taking that step is what makes it so worthwhile.
Better to take several steady baby steps then one massive leap that leads to a retreat. Like the pic on twitter says, 'It doesn't matter how slowly you go, as long as you don't stop' :)
I have so much belief in you xxx
You can do this :) And I am right behind you with your soy latte x
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you. I know we're not as close as we used to be, but that doesn't take away from the fact that this is so wonderful to read after what you've been going through in the whole time that I've known you.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this, and you WILL do this.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
You know that unspoken thing I'm never allowed to say? Just said it and I've got a few tears in my eyes and stuff.
ReplyDeleteI love you.
You're brilliant and I love you xxxxxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteI.love.your.face.
ReplyDeletexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx