Dieting

It seems like the world and it's brother is on a diet at the minute. I can't go five minutes without seeing some sort of new diet pill, fitness video or some sort of sale on exercise equipment. I wont lie to you, its triggering the shit out of me. I am trying to be level-headed and not let it push things further down but its really hard.

This got me thinking.

How do people 'in recovery' from eating disorders stave off the temptation that comes with this time of the year. If you're lucky enough to have managed to keep yourself relatively 'together' over Christmas, you have to be super super strong to fight off those thoughts over new year, don't you? How do you do it?

It's really scary to think that the world normalises dieting so fucking much. I mean, why do they have to assume that everyone needs to lose weight. I understand that there are shit loads of people that are classified as being 'obese'. For example, In 2008, almost a quarter of adults (24% of men and 25% of women aged 16 or over) in England were classified as obese (BMI 30kg/m2 or over), according to some recent NHS statistics. That's not a majority so why are we treat like it is?

I agree with improving self awareness and encouraging healthy eating but, in a society that normalises dieting to such a disgusting level, it makes me feel sick that so many boys and girls are being diagnosed with eating disorders. I am, in no way, saying that the media is wholly responsible for the rising numbers of eating disorders but they do play a large part. You ask any woman you know (and yes, i know boys have problems too...) and she will have been on a diet. The statistics i have seen in relation to teenagers that have tried laxatives, made themselves vomit or been on a diet are scary.

My friend has a little girl and it terrifies me that she is growing up in a society that normalises this so much.

A friend of mine pointed out the other day that dieting et al have damaged her and caused her so many more problems than alcohol and cigarettes and raised a good question as to why adverts for cigarettes are banned...

Adverts for alcohol are regulated and have to come along with a 'drink aware' logo in the corner. Same with gambling. There should at least be some sort of regulatory board...

Hmm...just something that has really got my goat this past couple of weeks. I keep wanting to cry because wherever i look, i can't get away from it and it scares me. This, coupled with my 'not wanting to be seen by anybody' syndrome i have at the minute is proving to be very distressing.

I am getting better with going out though. However, i just seem to walk around with my head down all the time. I panic and constantly think that people are talking about me, saying horrible things, being horrid in general. I seem to think that everyone hates me. I know they don't when i feel more levelled (normally at times when i am at home) but when i am out, i just can't shake the feeling.

I have started having panic attacks too. Fun times.

I need to go and get an ECG done this week but i am too scared. I went on Thursday morning, thinking it would be just like any normal hospital waiting room. i knew it would be busy and i knew it would be a while but i never expected just how busy it was going to be. I walked in through the doors and stood in the queue. I managed about a minute and i went dizzy and thought i was going to pass out. I was shaking and close to tears. My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest and i was really scared. All i can remember is the smell and the stares. It felt like everybody was thinking horrible things about me. It felt like...just horrible. And the smell was just as bad. I noticed it the minute i walked through the door. I felt like i could taste what people had had for their breakfast. It was probably a crappy smell of BO or something or just the smell that comes along when you have a room of people, breathing their disgusting hot air from their mouths and perspiring and just...eurgh. However, because i couldn't get the breakfast thought out of my head, no amount of deep breathing or sitting down was going to shake off this feeling.

I have this thing about smells at the minute. I used to have it back in the olden days when i was 'A' but these days it's even worse. I am scared that if i smell something, then i have eaten the calories. Written down its bloody stupid but when you have a thought like that in your head and you are so scared, you can't help but gayly manage to rationalise it. its stupid, i know.

So anyways, once the tunnel vision set in (thats the worst part of the panic attack for me because my eyes start darting and i get even more panicked), i decided i had to leave.

I need to get the ECG though and so...yeah...i don't know what to do. All i know is that i can't go there alone and sit in that breakfast stinking room with those sweaty ill people. I know i am 'ill' as well but my illness is not going to infect you. I am not going to fill you up with my germy badness. I just, eurgh.

I thought that by writing for a bit i would be able to forget all the anxieties and kinda sort my head out a bit but it has not worked.

I have an appointment with my nurse on Thursday and i think i am just going to tell her that i can't go. They're going to have to find a way to get me an appointment or something because i can't do it. it wouldn't be as bad if they had bloody windows or something but they have NOTHING.

Bollocks to it. I was meant to be asking Kim to take me tomorrow but i don't think i dare.

Ah well.

So the plan for this week:

Monday: Appointment with Kim (support worker)

Tuesday: Home

Wednesday: Home

Thursday: Appointment with Andrea (ED nurse)

Friday: Home in the day and then going to Stef's for the weekend. We are going to be pretty smashed all weekend so its going to be bloody amazing, not that i will remember any of it :)

I am bored out of my mind tonight. Need to get me a hobby. I am considering taking up running again but i am lazy as fuck. I wish i could do exercise just by thinking lol.

with Liv last night. Dammit i missed her!