Comparisons.

One of my worst habits has to be the way in which i compare things - not just eating disorder related things - but everything. I compare this year to last year; this hair to my old hair; this feeling to that feeling; the sadness now, to the sadness then; my mental state at this point, how much that bread cost a year ago; how long i can go without food now compared to two years ago; how much i weigh now... how fucked i am now compared to how fucked i was then...

I compare everything.

It drives me insane because, in doing this, i kind of belittle the feelings of now or the feeling of before.

For example, i have a date on Monday (yay) and i was just thinking about things. The old thoughts of 'i am not good enough, who would like me?' came back and they triggered one of my (legendary) sessions of reflection. It's ridiculous how i think sometimes and it always ends up in my tying myself in a big knot.

Let me try to make some sense...

Go back to about four years ago.

I am 18 years old and have just moved out of my family home. I am living in supported accommodation for people that are not yet able to live alone and will require some level of support, especially around their mental health. It was a specialised service. Not one for ex-cons or anything like that! I was completely in charge of my own finances but was still supported - even though it was not a 24 hour support thing, staff did not stay on site and yeah...you get the picture.

I got to a point where i was drinking almost every night, taking overdoses, severely self harming and i just really hated myself. I was in a blur of sadness. I don't know how else to describe it. I was getting myself in to scary situations, making myself even more vulnerable and i really just did not place any value on my existence. My place on Earth was a wasted one. I was wasting the air around me, the help around me...everything. This has got to be one of the most out-of-control times in my life and i do not wish to EVER go back there.

And yet, earlier on tonight, my thoughts took me back there. I was not thinking that those thoughts applied to now in any which way and this confused me.

I really don't like my body and i feel like less of a person because of this body but, at the very same time, i have SOME self worth because i do believe that i am worth something. I still have the fucking annoying voice in my head where i feel that saying that is something i should be ashamed of but fuck you, asshole! I am not ashamed of admitting that, although i am not in work, too big to be allowed to do some things,  and am still rather unwell, i deserve my place on this planet. I do contribute some things.

I am a good friend and i do my best to make people happy or to make people feel better. I have a great sense of humour (i am a funny fuck!) and there are some other people that agree. I am kind and caring and i really am a good person. I believe that. I truly do.

I am not trying to be up myself or anything, i am just trying to untangle my mind tonight.

So, earlier, when i was thinking about this date i have planned and the 'normal' thoughts came up. 'He'll see you and want to run', 'who would ever want to be with someone like you' etc, i was able to kind of try to fight them a little bit.

I didn't whack them off completely but i have kind of managed to beat them down a little bit.

I remembered some things i worked through with my old therapist, Fiona. She taught me this self worth and she made me realise that i am worth something and that i am not the bad person i once believed i was. I owe this to her.

So, to try to snap myself out of it, i painted my nails (twice lol), had a really bubbly bubble bath, listened to some music and kept myself busy with texting and just doing things that i like to do. Not for any other reason other than because they make me feel a bit nicer. They show me that i have come far because there was once i time where i didn't even think i deserved to fucking brush my hair. I didn't deserve anything. I couldn't do anything because, by me washing my face, i was somehow saying i was worth shit and i truly truly didn't feel like i was.

I don't think too highly of myself right now and i do judge my self worth on my body and my eating and blahblahblah, but then i can see how far i have come.

I just kind of keep getting confused because things right now are really bad. They really are.

But in comparing them to the past, i am giving myself this message that they are not as bad as they were then, so do they really warrant support?

But then, the things now are different. They are completely separate really. These are all new behaviours and a completely different kind of problem. Obviously, i had an eating disorder then, but it was kind of like an alien kind compared to whatever this is now. Anorexia is a weird thing and now, well...its blatantly obvious i don't have it now. I just get confused by things...

See. my head is muddled and my temples hurt lol

Ouch. 1:46.

I better sign off. I am meeting Annabella and Lucie tomorrow. I might try to chat with Lucie. I just kind of need to make some sense of this

You know what? I am going to blame CBT for this because its bringing up some really difficult thoughts to the surface and to my conscious mind.

Just FYI. I really don't think i like CBT.

THE. END.