I didn't realise how weird this past week has been. I have not been one for 'proper' bingeing in the past few months but this past week has been weird. I woke up yesterday morning with the biggest 'b' hangover ever. I could barely remember the night before and my brain was awash with calories and just regret...
I keep getting to this horrible part. Sometimes it comes just as a binge is about to start, sometimes half-way through. It's like i get to this edge and i have to decide whether or not to jump. It scares the shit out of me and involves so many different behaviours and 'should i? shouldn't i?' thoughts. I have started crying at this point and i have to decide whether to use the food to get rid of the feeling or whether to use other behaviours (not healthy ones).
I didn't realise just how gay i was being until i was doing my therapy homework last night and did a few diary entries.
hmm...
I am not being all 'fml fml shoot me in the face' but am kinda...i am agog. I like the word agog. I am not agog in the slightest but its a good word, no?
I am only writing this blog to give me an excuse not to get dressed yet. Getting dressed is so traumatic at the minute and has been since ...well, ages. It just seems a bit worse this week and last week.
I keep wearing maxi skirts with this GIANT brown jumper i have and i know i look like shit (and feel like shit because its just like i am a sack and makes me look bigger) but looking bigger is kind of better than looking this size.
Oh i don't know what to wear.!!! fhidsgfjsgfj
I have CBT this morning at 11 and then am going to meet my homies in town and we will go trotting off to Meadowhall. Annabella is getting more and more fun to be around (like that was even possible, right?!) so that will be lush :)
I will not buy makeup. I will not buy makeup. I will not buy makeup.
I swear whenever i have been FML recently, i have been splurging on makeup like a mo'fo'. Ah well. Could be worse.
Yeah agog is a brilliant word, and you don't hear it often enough anymore :(
ReplyDeleteJust have a good cry, you don't need anything else, 'cept maybe a hug from a small child. They're the best :)
Hope your day is fun with Annabella
xxx